Biggest cutie patootie of England, Jake Quickenden, was eliminated from this week’s X Factor UK, after a sing off with Only the Young. But don’t worry, three fans who read these recaps, I have included tons of screenshots of shirtless Jake to ease the pain.
I want to call attention to what Cheryl was wearing Sunday to results night:
Even Simon Cowell did not approve of “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” However, Ben Haenow DID win most improved when he took out that labret piercing. It’s very 90s to me unless you’re legitimately punk, which Ben is so obviously not.
A bunch of pictures of shirtless dudes
Even Jack Walton got in on the action! More Jack here.
Screencaps of Stevi Ritchie’s performance of “Footloose” presented without comment
Why Only the Young were in the bottom two
This is how Parisa Tarjomani normally wears her hair:
And this is how it was styled on Saturday night:
The UK just can’t handle that huge change. It obviously had nothing to do with the fact that they went second (after “death slot” Jake) or were kind of terrible.
Why didn’t they do this sooner?
I will probably refer to this post for the next six to eight weeks until I remember the names of the members of Stereo Kicks that aren’t James Graham (I also found gifs with names here!). It was really smart of the producers to break them up and get the audience to know them in small groups. Eight is SO overwhelming.
I DID find this naked picture of Jake Sims on tumblr. Apparently he posted it via his Twitter (before he was famous?), if it is even real. it is EXTREMELY NSFW.
Get a real job
Doesn’t Louis Tomlinson have something better to do?
Whoever is dressing Lauren Platt is doing a great job. However, she sang her second wildly-popular-song-from-a-cartoon of the season. Diversify, girl!
Product placement of the week
Lola’s makeover, sponsored by Tresemme!
You’d think I was going to say Cheryl, didn’t you?
But Marvin (JLS) and Rochelle (The Saturdays) showed up! Marvin supports his former mentor Louis’ acts, while Rochelle prefers Lola.
I still think Andrea Faustini is a classic white boy soul oversinger, but he does seem like a sweet dude. And how cute is that sweater he’s wearing in the gif above? WANT.
GET A ROOM
Cheryl and Simon fought about Jay James, who did “Skyfall” and was utterly forgettable.
Then she switched seats with Louis, who was happy to still be by Mel B.
It’s not Fleur East this week, surprise! I really thought Stereo Kicks was clever with their staging of the two Beatles songs. The monochromatic outfits were a good idea too. James Graham was, of course, fantastic.
All screencaps by me. Other gifs and photos are credited below.
Each week I review movie trailers that came out the previous week or for movies that are about to premiere. Some of these movies I am excited about, some I am mildly curious about, and the rest I make fun of!
Notable movies coming out this weekend
This is a definite NO for me BUT Jake Gyllenhaal is getting praise for his gonzo performance (I personally think he looks like a cartoon character). [I will also not be seeing this but I am so pleased to see the return of Rene Russo, whose character name I learned from imdb is Nina Romina. Ummm, ok. -M]
Stonehearst Asylum, is out onDemand and for Rent
Dear Kate Beckinsale, remember when you were young and you made good movies like Cold Comfort Farm and The Last Days of Disco and then you made Van Helsing and Underworld and now you make crappy film after crappy film. Kudos for looking hot at 40. [Just in time for Halloween, OF COURSE. Wow, they tricked a lot of good actors to be in this movie! Except Jim Sturgess, I find him so blah. -M]
Movies I can’t wait to see in an ACTUAL theater
Avengers: Age of Ultron, May 1, 2015
I got ridiculously happy when I heard James Spader as Ultron. This movie is SO going to rule! [The music for this trailer is HORRIFYING. Please, Joss, make another trailer that is funny so I will go see your movie. I also strangely dislike Elizabeth Olsen and Aaron Taylor-Johnson, they were not my favorite hires for this franchise. Finally, seeing Jeremy Renner made me screech with delight; he is such a great actor and makes everything he is in better. -M]
I won’t go to an ACTUAL theater but will pay for it on Amazon
The Homesman, November 14, 2014
I’m not a fan of Hilary Swank but everyone else in this movie is AWESOME. The trailer leaves me with many questions like why would a person with mental illness want to go to Iowa, why does Hilary Swank care so much for these women, IS SHE TAKING THEM TO MERYL STREEP who I imagine would be an excellent mental health professional. [Why are there so many Hilary Swank movies being released all of a sudden? Her fur cap is really awesome, though. Otherwise, this looks intriguing and the cast includes Landry, SPADER & Miranda Otto. It looks like a great holiday break movie, maybe Thanksgiving week? -M]
The Gambler, December 19, 2014
This trailer is great, the acting looks great (even Mark Wahlberg) I just don’t think I want to actually watch a movie about a gambler who doesn’t have any money. [Dude, Michael K. Williams!!!! He alone would be enough to make me see this, but there's also Brie Larson, Mark Wahlberg with long hair, lots of cussing, Jessica Lange, a cool stylized look, and John Goodman! -M]
You would have to PAY me to see it in an ACTUAL theater
Wolves, November 14, 2014
I don’t even know where to begin with this movie except to say that Jason Momoa deserves better and that I hope he had fun making it. Also Jason Momoa is ridiculously hot. [I feel like Katie has the most fun picking the trailer for this category every week. I don't know, I think this is right where Jason Momoa's career should be, as he really didn't show any extraordinary acting skills in Game of Thrones. -M]
Previously on Outlander, Claire HAD to marry Jamie because he’s hot because she pissed off sadistic Captain Randall AKA Bad Frank –OR RATHER WHAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLING HIM ALL ALONG (it’s a testament to the acting abilities of Tobias Menzies that I don’t think of them as the same character).
This episode shakes up the focus by being in both the present, with a frantic Frank searching for Claire and the past, with Claire in the afterglow of marriage to Jamie. Since this episode is not exactly linear and so I don’t have to keep typing flashback/flashforward/Craigh na Dun I have separated it in to the below three sections.
Present, in which Frank drives the Inverness police force crazy
It has been six weeks since Claire went missing and Frank is still in Inverness searching for her. The police theory is that Claire ran off with the Highlander Frank spotted watching Claire the night before she disappeared. After the police tell Frank they are done searching for Claire he goes home to the Reverend Wakefield’s house. The Reverend asks Frank if he told the police about their river theory in which Claire drowned and was swept down the river hence why no body was found. Frank tells the Reverend he is done.
Sad Frank goes to a local pub. There is gets soused and meets a woman who says she has information about the Highlander. The woman takes Frank to a sketchy alley in which he is attacked and nearly mugged but little do the grifters know, Frank was once a super spy AND he has sadistic genes. Indeed, Frank tries to beat one of the grifters to death.
The Reverend gives Frank a pep talk by way of telling him to move on with his life. Frank asks him if he to thinks that Claire ran off with another man. The Reverend, sadly, tells him that makes the most sense. As Frank is about to leave to go back to life as a history professor, Mrs. Graham the Reverend’s housekeeper and local witch tells Frank the tales she has heard about Craigh na Dun. Frank does not believe that Claire has traveled in time.
Past, in which Claire gets to have hot sex with a Scottish ginger
Jamie and Claire are having a picnic in another beautiful Scottish vista –I WANT TO GO TO THERE. Jamie asks Claire if their relationship in bed is normal and she basically tells him its above average –GO JAMIE. They are interrupted by an arrow. The arrow belongs to Jamie’s friend Hugh Monro whose tongue was cut out by the Turks. Hugh brings Jamie news of a man called Horrocks an English deserter who may be able to clear Jamie’s name. Jamie is very excited but also nervous because they may not be able to trust him.
At camp Rupert is telling the group tall tales while our newlyweds make eyes at each other and Dougal sneers into the distance –oh Dougal get a fucking grip. Jamie and Murtaugh’s use the Highlander super sense and realize that they are going to be attacked by BANDITS –I’m so excited because bag pipes are coming I can feel it. Sadly the fight is scored to a fiddle and NOT bagpipes. Of course our group of Highlanders WIN only losing a horse and three bags of grain. Because of the fight Ned suggests Claire learn how to fight with a small dagger. They all decide that Angus is the best to teach her because he is small and mean.
Claire and Jamie sneak off to get it on in the woods but they are attacked by two English deserters. The two make a lot of lewd comments and our couple quickly realize that Claire is in deep deep danger of assault and these two bastards are about to make Jamie watch. Thankfully, Claire paid good attention to Angus, and she is able to kill the one who is on top of her. After the attack Claire is in shock and Jamie apologizes for not doing a better job of protecting her. Dougal warns Jamie that meeting Horrocks alone may end the same way this time with Jamie dead.
The group rides back toward Castle Leoch but make a stop so that the men can go meet Horrocks. Jamie leaves Claire with Willy. Claire is angry and doesn’t know why. Jamie makes Claire promise that she will stay put. She realizes that she is angry at her self for not trying to return to Frank.
Craigh na Dun, in which present and past may meet again
On his way out of Inverness back to life as a professor, Frank drives by Craigh na Dun and out of curiosity decides to turn and see the stones one last time. Claire, alone and angry, notices that Jamie has left her about 1000 yards from Craigh na Dun. Claire and Frank both go running for the rocks. Frank who is closer makes it to the rocks first. He walks around them wanting Claire to magically appear. Frank begins to weep at the large stone and I feel so bad for Fun Fact Frank. He shouts for her and Claire, who is almost to the stones, hears him and shouts back for him to wait for her. Just as she is about to touch the stones she is pulled away by two red coats. Frank leaves Craigh na Dun sad and alone. Claire leaves tied to the back of a wagon on her way to Fort William where Black Jack is in charge.
Black Jack is his usual lovely self –that is if you enjoy sadistic motherfuckers. Claire tries to shake his confidence using information she has from Fun Fact Frank about Randall’s patronage (every mother fucker has to have a dude with wealth and money to protect him from persecution). She tries to con Black Jack into thinking she too is a spy for the Duke of Sandringham unfortunately Black Jack is too fucking smart for Claire and out smarts her. Black Jack ties Claire up and for the second time in two days Claire is nearly raped, this time she is saved by Jamie.
In the book Jamie specifically tells Claire if she wanders off he will tan her hide which is then what he does. I am very curious how they handle the whole Jamie beating Claire. It didn’t bother me when I read it because up until that point, Jamie was almost too perfect and too 20th century. The beating establishes him firmly as an 18th century man who would feel like it was his job to discipline his wife. Later Jamie tells Claire about all the times his father beat him. After his tale Claire pulls a knife on him and tells him that if he ever does that again she will kill him. Jamie realizing she is serious promises to never put a hand on her.
Before Jamie comes in to save Claire from Randall, Claire has already realized Randall can’t rape her because he is impotent. Claire later uses this knowledge against Randall I guess the writers have something else planned.
Speaking of violence against women, for the next half of the season it’s mainly violence against Jamie –poor Jamie.
Claire and Frank at Craigh na Dun was not in the book, but it was really well done. I wonder what they are going to do when Jamie brings her back to the rocks and she has to decide Frank or Jamie.