Smart ladies love to ask, WTF Aaron Carter

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Aaron, Oh Aaron,

What are we going to do with you?

Always a makin’ a bigger mistake

Always a-makin’ a fool

-Oh, Aaron by Aaron Carter ft. Nick Carter

In case you haven’t been on the Internet this week, Aaron Carter has slipped himself back into TMZ headlines. Aaron has had quite a few strange headlines in the last few years, but this week’s might be my favorite the most fantastic bizarre: “Aaron Carter: I Got Jumped Over ‘NKOTB’ Turf War”.  I read the entire Internet and gathered all of the details for so you can properly discuss this disaster at the water cooler this afternoon.

(Side note: I hope none of you ever have to wade through Aaron Carter’s 3,000 tweets a day. It’s a barrage of retweets about how hot he is or how well he treats his “ACbabes” and tweets that are borderline Amanda Bynes.)

Aaron tweeted this mess on Sunday while he was in Boston for a performance. (Yes, Aaron Carter still “tours”.  No, he doesn’t have any new music so he spices up his 2000 hit Aaron’s Party by performing it shirtless with two male backup dancers. No, I don’t know why I know this.)

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Caption: Eh @jordanKnight this one of your homies? He got his ass handed to him last night but his boys got me..#Soldier

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Like any good celebrity needing an instant status boost, he sold all of the details of his story to TMZ. Here are the highlights:

  • A burly New Kids on the Block fan approached him in a restaurant parking lot and said “”I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.”

Just in case you don’t remember from 1989, all of NKOTB are diehard Bostonians. I think this also proves that boybands obviously have a universal appeal if grown men are willing to defend the manband turf.

  • Three other men jumped out of a gold Chevy Malibu and joined the burly NKOTB fan in attacking Aaron, including a nice shot to his eye apparently.

All I can picture is four giant, bearded, middle-aged balding men proudly sporting their giant Jordan buttons on their fluorescent tanktops with loads of chest hair crawling out of the top jumping out of their metallic family sedan.

  • Aaron thinks his knuckles might be broken, but he’s no pretty white boy so he thinks he won.

Let me just show you this clip from House of Carters in 2006 in which Aaron’s brother Nick shows him what a real boyband beat down looks like. (I guarantee you Aaron Carter is even more cringeworthy now than he was in that clip.)

  • He’s not going to file a police report because that would be too “girly”.

Because selling your story to the tabloids and looking for sympathy from 15 year olds on Twitter is about as macho as grown men violently defending the hometown boyband.

What Aaron conveniently forgot to send TMZ was the picture he posted after the story went out. The one where he miraculously has what appears to be a barely bruised eye that is no longer swollen. He also tweeted that the earlier Jordan Knight reference was just a joke, seeing as Jordan is actually his only friend in Boston.  Mmhm.

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Caption: All good…

Here’s what the rest of the Internet had to say about Aaron’s run-in.

Blockheads

Yes, that term has reemerged from the era of scrunchies as the name of the NKOTB fanbase.

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AaronCarter_JazzHands

AaronCarter_BscHoodiesandGlitter

Never underestimate the sassiness of a manband lover.

New Kids

What I assume to be the official NKOTB response

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Nick Carter (Showing his second-hand embarrassment)

Right after Aaron told tweeted about being a black belt and a hardass, Nick tweeted:

AaronCarter_NickCarterTweets

While Nick and his bandmate Howie D were passing through Boston promoting their new Backstreet Boys single on Tuesday, Nick was asked about Aaron’s antics.  All I read from Nick’s response is “My brother is a tool and please don’t associate me or my group with him. I’m also going to defend all of my NKOTBSB bros over that prick.”

“He is not a black belt in anything. Dancing, maybe. Dance fighting.”

I think the sentiment of this dlisted article has captured my feelings best.

I LOVE THIS STORY….Who cares if Aaron made this entire story up and he probably got those bruises in a meth deal gone wrong. Who cares if that black eye probably came from a meth dealer who didn’t appreciate Aaron asking, “Uh, can I suck yo dick for a gram?” Who cares! Aaron Carter makes up the best stories.

“This is the town of New Kids” is the most badass line I’ve ever heard.

This captures my thoughts exactly about Aaron! I’m not really sure how this kid comes up with a story like this, but it is pure gold (just like a Chevy Malibu).

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