September 3, 2014
by katie
0 comments

Smart ladies love TV, Outlander recap, The Gathering

Previously on Outlander, Claire saved a boy from death, Jamie continued to flirt shamelessly while Claire simultaneously missed Frank and wanted Jamie (because we all want Jamie), and she both lost and regained hope for a return to the stones of Craigh Na Dun.

RAWR!!!

RAWR!!!

Claire has been covertly playing a game of hide and seek with the castle children as a way to learn the perimeter of the Castle and how it is guarded and stealthily marking her path with hair ribbons. She goes to the stables to get a horse for the “hunt” and also briefly asks after Mr. MacTavish AKA Jamie because if one goes to the stables one should ask about the hottie in the kilt who is always flirting with you.

Outlander_EP04_Geillie

When she gets back to her dungeon/medical office she finds Geillie  lurking about and being her normal nosy assholish self –man everything out of Geillie’s mouth has a double meaning. Geillie asks Claire if she is with child because Claire has stored a suspicious amount of food in the clinic (Claire keeps calling it a dungeon but it’s so pretty). Claire tells Geillie she has never been unfaithful and kind of stumbles over whether or not Frank is dead making Geillie all the more suspicious. Geillie also tells Claire that she too came to the village with only her wits and a small knowledge of plants and NOW she is comfortable and most importantly FREE.

Claire goes to the kitchen to steal a knife but is intercepted by Mrs. Fitz who gets Claire ready for the gathering –Mrs. Fitz does NOT want anyone to miss out on a party even if they are an Englishman. Claire watches the oath taking with Jamie’s BFF Murtaugh who nicely translates everything for Claire. She is able to slip away from both Murtaugh and Fitz and is on her way back to the clinic when she is confronted by Angus who is miffed that he will have to leave the party to follow her back to the clinic. But because Claire is always two steps ahead, she had secured a bottle of port from Geillie AND instructions on how to properly drug it (thankfully Geillie hates having intercourse with her flatulent husband) so poor Angus is sent back to the party with fancy drugged booze. BONUS nerd moment was that both showrunner Ronald D. Moore and book author Diana Gabaldon are in attendance at the gathering and I got so excited I had to tell M in a text message (I was also drinking wine so it isn’t THAT nerdy).

Outlander_ep04_druggedport

Once Claire is free from Angus she is able to grab her basket of escape provisions and begins her escape BUT she is almost immediately accosted by a group of drunk dudes who try to overpower her but she is saved by Dougal. Unfortunately Dougal is drunk TOO and has the same ideas as the dudes to sexually assault Claire, but since he is only one drunk dude she is able to push him off and then knock him out by hitting him in the head with a stool.

I find it interesting that I don’t find the threat of sexual assault used as a trope on Outlander nor in the books because I think that it is probably a terribly accurate portrayal of how dangerous it was to be an unmarried in that time period AND think that is something that we should all learn and learn from. I DO find it terribly disheartening that I would find it extremely scary to walk down a hall toward three drunk dudes today in the 21st century. I think Outlander is trying to make a point that it’s sometimes dangerous just being a woman in rape culture, as opposed to using sexual assault as an exploitative  trope that is overused on TV.

Outlander_ep04_Clairesescape

After fending off drunken attackers Claire makes it to the stable only to bump into Mr. ManCandy Jamie who is trying to get some sleep while the party is in full swing up at the castle. He quickly realizes Claire is trying to escape and then very logically points out all the ways she was bound to fail. Claire informs him that shit might be weird for her at the castle because she just knocked out good old uncle Dougal for getting handsy. Jamie tells Claire that Dougal is likely not to remember she hit him and if he does he isn’t likely to bring it up since he was laid flat by a lass. He does offer to take her back to the castle so that she won’t be bothered by anymore drunk dudes. Unfortunately on their way in the duo is attacked by Rupert and a couple of other guys who were looking for Jamie at the gathering.

It seems that the reason Jamie was hiding out in the stable is so that he doesn’t have to take the oath to clan MacKenzie. Murtaugh informs Claire that since Jamie’s mother is a MacKenzie, Colum is in poor health, and Hamish Colum’s son is a mere lad Jamie could challenge Dougal for the Lairdship. Basically because of Claire’s escape she has put poor Jamie in a political pickle. If he doesn’t take the oath then Colum will have to kill him for not being faithful to him but if he does take the oath Dougal will kill him because he could potentially ruin Dougal’s future job prospects. Thankfully Jamie is a born politician and basically declines the oath as a member of another clan but promises his life to Colum as his nephew. All is well and poor Claire won’t have to stitch Jamie up this week.

 

Before taking his oath they make Jamie put on nice clothes. THANKS RUPERT and company!

Before taking his oath they make Jamie put on nice clothes. THANKS RUPERT and company!

Since she didn’t escape the night before Claire has to go on the boar hunt just in case anyone gets hurt. Claire bitches to anyone who will listen how stupid boar-hunting is, even while she and Rupert tend to a wounded man. Just as she is finished bitching and sending the man with Rupert back to the castle, she hears a deathly scream. Claire goes off running toward the screams, but comes face to face with the very frightening wild boar (Claire get’s some of her smart points deducted for running off into the woods when she knows a dangerous animal is running around scared for its life). Thankfully for Claire but not the boar Dougal shoots it before it charges on her. Dougal takes her to the last boar victim. The man has a bad injury but an even more serious abdomen wound. She and Dougal work together to ease the man’s suffering as he dies.

Outlander_ep04_boarhunt

Claire put the SASS in SASSENACH

After the hunt, the party walks back to the castle and notices a friendly game of field hockey between Jamie and a bunch of other dudes going on. Dougal, I guess angry at his friend’s death AND because of Jamie’s gift at politics, decides he TOO would like to play field hockey. However Dougal’s field hockey looks more like Dougal wants to tackle Jamie and hit him with a stick. Jamie and Dougal have it out though Jamie mostly keeps a smile on his face but also fights back. I have no fucking clue why this was even in the episode as Jamie doesn’t even get naked. It’s basically I guess another scene of Dougal being an asshole.

This episode ends with Dougal telling Claire that he knows she has seen men die of violence and war and that he is taking her with him on his rent collection trip –FUN?

Gifs from outlander-starzmargaeryestyrellmametupa, and lairdjamie.

September 2, 2014
by melissa
0 comments

Smart ladies love dumb TV, Candidly Nicole recap, How to Say Yes

After skipping the previous episode due to, well, seeing Robyn, this recap is posting late because I have a life, dammit, which includes reading this book and watching Recount with my husband.

Candidly Nicole 7 01

At the Mystic Journey Bookstore, Nicole’s friend Jamie (stylist) says, “Isn’t this the best store ever? Like you walk in and you’re like positive vibes.” Nicole responds, “It’s not the best, but yes.”

Candidly Nicole 7 03

Jamie tells Nicole she’s not being very fun and insists she buy her a crystal.

“I will buy you a gift, but not here.”

“At Barney’s?”

“I didn’t say Barney’s.”

Candidly Nicole 7 04

Jamie is having a Mexican-themed birthday party, which sounds kind of racist the way she says it and it will also include “Tostitos chips.” You know you want the blue ones from Trader Joe’s instead. “It’s gonna be crazy. Wanna help me plan it?” Nicole ignores her.

Candidly Nicole 7 05

Nicole’s agent Justin calls her and she rebuffs him from speaking in front of a large group of people. Jamie says that’s part of her job so she should do it.

Candidly Nicole 7 06

Jamie gets Witch Patti, who is probably my fourth favorite person to ever be on this show after Erin, Katherine, and Kelly Oxford, to give her a chakra reading:

Witch Patti, to Jamie: “You have a beautiful light about you.”

Nicole: “She has a fake tan.”

WP: “It looks like you’re getting ready for something really wonderful.”

Candidly Nicole 7 07

Nicole asks Witch Patti a series of insane questions, which is kind of her thing, and then Witch Patti says she’s an expert in ghost sex.

Candidly Nicole 7 03

Both via.

Both via.

“Do I have to open myself up to that?”

Candidly Nicole 7 11

Witch Patti takes down Nicole, which is funny to watch, and calls her “energetically heavy” and tells her she has some work to do. D’oh! Doesn’t Witch Patti know how kind and generous Nicole is?

Candidly Nicole 7 10

Witch Patti suggests to Nicole that she spend one week saying yes instead of no, and all the brilliant colors she sees in her will come out of the box. Okaayyyyyy Witch Patti. I’ll bet the first thing she says yes to will be helping Jamie plan her party!

I WAS RIGHT! Nicole agrees to go shopping with Jamie for her party.

Nicole interviews that she is not negative like Witch Patti said, and she’s ready to say yes to everything.

This did not come out well.

This did not come out well.

The women are at an outdoor market, and Nicole is wearing a child’s nightgown.

Candidly Nicole 7 13

A fan goes up to her and says, Are you Nicole Richie? The fan asks to take a selfie with her, then asks her an involved question about her boyfriend who may or may not be cheating on her. Nicole pretends to be interested but I’m sure she wishes she didn’t agree to Witch Patti’s terms. Nicole fan: your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.

Candidly Nicole 7 14

Nicole tells the woman to cheat on her boyfriend for revenge at an event, then “you come right home to his best friend and you pop that trunk.” The woman seems a bit in shock.

Then there is a GREAT little montage ofNicole is saying yes to a bunch of things, like…

Candidly Nicole 7 15

…buying Jamie all the pinatas at the market!

Candidly Nicole 7 16

…allowing a man to sell her all the oranges in southern California!

Candidly Nicole 7 17

…accepting a long phone call from Lionel Richie where she agrees to visit him!

Candidly Nicole 7 18

…tries on a scary plastic clown mask that I will have nightmares about!

Candidly Nicole 7 20

…donates to a gay rights organization!

Candidly Nicole 7 19

…receives a free hug on the street (did hugs ever cost money? I don’t know why people are so obsessed with calling them free)!

Kelly is more than a SAHM--she's a writer. Why doesn't this show want people to know Nicole's friends are famous?

Kelly is more than a SAHM–she’s a writer. Why doesn’t this show want people to know Nicole’s friends are famous?

Thank goodness someone decided to bring us MORE KELLY OXFORD. They are at Ashely Cummings’ Agni Yoga (aren’t you glad I look this shit up for you?). Nicole is stretching with Kelly and telling her about Witch Patti and her mission to say yes for a week.

Candidly Nicole 7 22

Kelly  says you shouldn’t argue with a wizard, but is also very comfortable with saying no. “Yoga might help a little bit.”

Candidly Nicole 7 24

In a class for two (I need to be rich, think of how fit I would be!), the yogi Tari asks if they have heard of “acro yoga,” which is acrobatics + yoga + Thai massage. I would definitely say no to this one but clearly Nicole can’t.

They grill Tari about the practice of acro yoga and sex, boners and queefs.

Candidly Nicole 7 25

He puts her into various poses while balancing on his legs. I note that 1) this is just as much a workout for Tari and 2) Nicole is tinyyyyyy and really good at yoga. She seems to be laugh-crying and her face is turning red. She says the practice was stressful and sexual. Kelly apologizes for taking her and then asks her if she wants to see Esther (NEW FRIEND???) do stand up later in the week. Nicole has to say yes but she doesn’t mean it. Who doesn’t like comedy??

Candidly Nicole 7 26

At Jamie’s birthday party at Lula, which has a cute website, the room is decorated surprisingly tastefully and there is tons of flowery oilcloth. I approve. At one table where all the young women are in all black, Nicole tells them they are very goth. Giggles. “It’s like your birthday/you’re going to cast a spell on people. It’s very Practical Magic.”

Candidly Nicole 7 27

Nicole, at the table with the three girls when Jamie leaves, is forced to do a toast. She can’t say no, even though she hates talking in front of people! But like, acting, and interviewing on camera is totally okay. At least she is facing her fears.

Have I missed the dark lipstick thing already? I want to get some for fall.

Have I missed the dark lipstick train already? I want to get some for fall.

“I have speaking anxiety.” Grabs a drink and gives a really shitty toast where she pretty much insults her friend, to stifled laughs in the crowd. “I love you and I love your accent. It’s a little like loud, New York Jew. And Jews are great and very rich nowadays AND Feliz Complianos! CHEERS!”

Ha...ha?

Ha…ha?

Don’t let Nicole give speeches that the writers of this show don’t create for her or isn’t from her Twitter.

Candidly Nicole 7 31

Goes to comedy club (West Side Comedy Theater) with Kelly. They’re talking about yoga, which was like DAYS AGO, and how they are sore from it still (ummm no).

I really want Kelly's top.

I really want Kelly’s top.

Kelly says, “What was that guy’s name?” and  Nicole responds,”I feel like his name is really Brian and he just really wanted a yoga name. Like, all right, my name is Nala and I am at peace.”

Candidly Nicole 7 32

So Little Esther is not Nicole’s friend, but Kelly’s. She is cute and funny for the two seconds of her eventual Last Comic Standing audition that we see and then she is asking Nicole to come on stage and do a little stand up.

Shirts that are four sizes too big are never going in my closet.

Shirts that are four sizes too big are never going in my closet.

She can’t say no, so she goes up there reluctantly, wearing a suuuuuuper billowing blouse that she has shametucked.

Candidly Nicole 7 37

“I’m Nicole, yep.” Then she steals Esther’s jokes, then says something racist, then says, “I have lots of anxiety, I might have diarrhea.”

Candidly Nicole 7 35

Kelly can’t stop laughing, in that same way I always laugh really hard when I see my friend Christina play music because I think she is the funniest person ever plus I am kind of an asshole.

Candidly Nicole 7 36

Nicole tells everyone about her “saying yes” week, and she finally gets some laughs when she mentions that “ghosts are having sex with us and we don’t even know it.” She gets kind of on a roll when she talks about ghost sex. “I say yes to everything except strangers and dick.”

Interviews that she never liked stand up comedy but feels that she’s “got something.” Kelly is proud of her for trying. Or something, my notes just stop there.

Via. KATHERINE'S BACK!!!!

Via. KATHERINE’S BACK!!!!

Next episode (finale? I will begin covering X Factor UK in two weeks when this ends): Nicole goes to a camp with our two favorite people, Katherine Power & bitchy Erin! They’re all hanging out together! I can’t wait!

All screencaps by me.

September 1, 2014
by katie
1 Comment

Smart ladies love movies, this week in trailers, September 1, 2014

Movie Trailer Monday

Miles Teller so cute in Footloose.

Miles Teller so cute in Footloose.

Each week I review movie trailers that came out the previous week or for movies that are about to premiere. Some of these movies I am excited about, some I am mildly curious about, and the rest I make fun of!

Notable movies coming out tomorrow

The Identical

This movie looks like a parody of Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story which was a parody of musical bio-pics but it also strangely looks serious so the whole thing is confusing. It does have Joey Pants, Ashley Judd and a dude who looks like Elvis so it MIGHT be interesting.

Life of Crime, is out onDemand and for Rent

You can rent this prequel to Jackie Brown NOW from the comfort of your couch. I think I’m going to wait for it to be cheaper OR for it to come free on either Netflix or pay cable.

Movies I can’t wait to see in an ACTUAL theater

Two Night Stand, September 26, 2014

I believe that my love for Miles Teller has led me to think this movie looks better than it possibly is. I do think that this trailer gives TOO MUCH of the movie away which I fucking HATE.

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, March 6, 2015

It’s official Richard Gere has finally excepted that he is old ALSO after watching the first Exotic Marigold Movie about 1000 times on HBO I am now SUPER excited for its sequel.

I won’t go to an ACTUAL theater but will pay for it on Amazon

Rudderless, October 17, 2014

My good friend William H. Macy, Bill to his friends directed this movie about a grieving father singing his sons songs in bars. The father is played by Billy Crudup who is an excellent actor but I think might be a dick in real life.

Rosewater, November 7, 2014

Jon Stewart’s directorial debut looks good but it also looks like the type of movie I would like to watch at home NOT in a theater. I would just like to say that I am happy this looks good and even though he is directing I for one liked Stewart as an ACTOR and would like him and Gillian Anderson to make a sequel to Playing By Heart.

You would have to PAY me to see it in an ACTUAL theater

Before I Go to Sleep, October 31, 2014

Dear Nicole Kidman, I know your husband Colin Firth looks totes sketch but you should NEVER EVER trust Mark Stong in a thriller just as one should always assume Sean Bean will die.

Gif from theinsatiablevoid.