September 2, 2014
by melissa
0 comments

Smart ladies love dumb TV, Candidly Nicole recap, How to Say Yes

After skipping the previous episode due to, well, seeing Robyn, this recap is posting late because I have a life, dammit, which includes reading this book and watching Recount with my husband.

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At the Mystic Journey Bookstore, Nicole’s friend Jamie (stylist) says, “Isn’t this the best store ever? Like you walk in and you’re like positive vibes.” Nicole responds, “It’s not the best, but yes.”

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Jamie tells Nicole she’s not being very fun and insists she buy her a crystal.

“I will buy you a gift, but not here.”

“At Barney’s?”

“I didn’t say Barney’s.”

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Jamie is having a Mexican-themed birthday party, which sounds kind of racist the way she says it and it will also include “Tostitos chips.” You know you want the blue ones from Trader Joe’s instead. “It’s gonna be crazy. Wanna help me plan it?” Nicole ignores her.

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Nicole’s agent Justin calls her and she rebuffs him from speaking in front of a large group of people. Jamie says that’s part of her job so she should do it.

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Jamie gets Witch Patti, who is probably my fourth favorite person to ever be on this show after Erin, Katherine, and Kelly Oxford, to give her a chakra reading:

Witch Patti, to Jamie: “You have a beautiful light about you.”

Nicole: “She has a fake tan.”

WP: “It looks like you’re getting ready for something really wonderful.”

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Nicole asks Witch Patti a series of insane questions, which is kind of her thing, and then Witch Patti says she’s an expert in ghost sex.

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Both via.

Both via.

“Do I have to open myself up to that?”

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Witch Patti takes down Nicole, which is funny to watch, and calls her “energetically heavy” and tells her she has some work to do. D’oh! Doesn’t Witch Patti know how kind and generous Nicole is?

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Witch Patti suggests to Nicole that she spend one week saying yes instead of no, and all the brilliant colors she sees in her will come out of the box. Okaayyyyyy Witch Patti. I’ll bet the first thing she says yes to will be helping Jamie plan her party!

I WAS RIGHT! Nicole agrees to go shopping with Jamie for her party.

Nicole interviews that she is not negative like Witch Patti said, and she’s ready to say yes to everything.

This did not come out well.

This did not come out well.

The women are at an outdoor market, and Nicole is wearing a child’s nightgown.

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A fan goes up to her and says, Are you Nicole Richie? The fan asks to take a selfie with her, then asks her an involved question about her boyfriend who may or may not be cheating on her. Nicole pretends to be interested but I’m sure she wishes she didn’t agree to Witch Patti’s terms. Nicole fan: your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.

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Nicole tells the woman to cheat on her boyfriend for revenge at an event, then “you come right home to his best friend and you pop that trunk.” The woman seems a bit in shock.

Then there is a GREAT little montage ofNicole is saying yes to a bunch of things, like…

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…buying Jamie all the pinatas at the market!

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…allowing a man to sell her all the oranges in southern California!

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…accepting a long phone call from Lionel Richie where she agrees to visit him!

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…tries on a scary plastic clown mask that I will have nightmares about!

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…donates to a gay rights organization!

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…receives a free hug on the street (did hugs ever cost money? I don’t know why people are so obsessed with calling them free)!

Kelly is more than a SAHM--she's a writer. Why doesn't this show want people to know Nicole's friends are famous?

Kelly is more than a SAHM–she’s a writer. Why doesn’t this show want people to know Nicole’s friends are famous?

Thank goodness someone decided to bring us MORE KELLY OXFORD. They are at Ashely Cummings’ Agni Yoga (aren’t you glad I look this shit up for you?). Nicole is stretching with Kelly and telling her about Witch Patti and her mission to say yes for a week.

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Kelly  says you shouldn’t argue with a wizard, but is also very comfortable with saying no. “Yoga might help a little bit.”

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In a class for two (I need to be rich, think of how fit I would be!), the yogi Tari asks if they have heard of “acro yoga,” which is acrobatics + yoga + Thai massage. I would definitely say no to this one but clearly Nicole can’t.

They grill Tari about the practice of acro yoga and sex, boners and queefs.

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He puts her into various poses while balancing on his legs. I note that 1) this is just as much a workout for Tari and 2) Nicole is tinyyyyyy and really good at yoga. She seems to be laugh-crying and her face is turning red. She says the practice was stressful and sexual. Kelly apologizes for taking her and then asks her if she wants to see Esther (NEW FRIEND???) do stand up later in the week. Nicole has to say yes but she doesn’t mean it. Who doesn’t like comedy??

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At Jamie’s birthday party at Lula, which has a cute website, the room is decorated surprisingly tastefully and there is tons of flowery oilcloth. I approve. At one table where all the young women are in all black, Nicole tells them they are very goth. Giggles. “It’s like your birthday/you’re going to cast a spell on people. It’s very Practical Magic.”

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Nicole, at the table with the three girls when Jamie leaves, is forced to do a toast. She can’t say no, even though she hates talking in front of people! But like, acting, and interviewing on camera is totally okay. At least she is facing her fears.

Have I missed the dark lipstick thing already? I want to get some for fall.

Have I missed the dark lipstick train already? I want to get some for fall.

“I have speaking anxiety.” Grabs a drink and gives a really shitty toast where she pretty much insults her friend, to stifled laughs in the crowd. “I love you and I love your accent. It’s a little like loud, New York Jew. And Jews are great and very rich nowadays AND Feliz Complianos! CHEERS!”

Ha...ha?

Ha…ha?

Don’t let Nicole give speeches that the writers of this show don’t create for her or isn’t from her Twitter.

Candidly Nicole 7 31

Goes to comedy club (West Side Comedy Theater) with Kelly. They’re talking about yoga, which was like DAYS AGO, and how they are sore from it still (ummm no).

I really want Kelly's top.

I really want Kelly’s top.

Kelly says, “What was that guy’s name?” and  Nicole responds,”I feel like his name is really Brian and he just really wanted a yoga name. Like, all right, my name is Nala and I am at peace.”

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So Little Esther is not Nicole’s friend, but Kelly’s. She is cute and funny for the two seconds of her eventual Last Comic Standing audition that we see and then she is asking Nicole to come on stage and do a little stand up.

Shirts that are four sizes too big are never going in my closet.

Shirts that are four sizes too big are never going in my closet.

She can’t say no, so she goes up there reluctantly, wearing a suuuuuuper billowing blouse that she has shametucked.

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“I’m Nicole, yep.” Then she steals Esther’s jokes, then says something racist, then says, “I have lots of anxiety, I might have diarrhea.”

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Kelly can’t stop laughing, in that same way I always laugh really hard when I see my friend Christina play music because I think she is the funniest person ever plus I am kind of an asshole.

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Nicole tells everyone about her “saying yes” week, and she finally gets some laughs when she mentions that “ghosts are having sex with us and we don’t even know it.” She gets kind of on a roll when she talks about ghost sex. “I say yes to everything except strangers and dick.”

Interviews that she never liked stand up comedy but feels that she’s “got something.” Kelly is proud of her for trying. Or something, my notes just stop there.

Via. KATHERINE'S BACK!!!!

Via. KATHERINE’S BACK!!!!

Next episode (finale? I will begin covering X Factor UK in two weeks when this ends): Nicole goes to a camp with our two favorite people, Katherine Power & bitchy Erin! They’re all hanging out together! I can’t wait!

All screencaps by me.

September 1, 2014
by katie
1 Comment

Smart ladies love movies, this week in trailers, September 1, 2014

Movie Trailer Monday

Miles Teller so cute in Footloose.

Miles Teller so cute in Footloose.

Each week I review movie trailers that came out the previous week or for movies that are about to premiere. Some of these movies I am excited about, some I am mildly curious about, and the rest I make fun of!

Notable movies coming out tomorrow

The Identical

This movie looks like a parody of Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story which was a parody of musical bio-pics but it also strangely looks serious so the whole thing is confusing. It does have Joey Pants, Ashley Judd and a dude who looks like Elvis so it MIGHT be interesting.

Life of Crime, is out onDemand and for Rent

You can rent this prequel to Jackie Brown NOW from the comfort of your couch. I think I’m going to wait for it to be cheaper OR for it to come free on either Netflix or pay cable.

Movies I can’t wait to see in an ACTUAL theater

Two Night Stand, September 26, 2014

I believe that my love for Miles Teller has led me to think this movie looks better than it possibly is. I do think that this trailer gives TOO MUCH of the movie away which I fucking HATE.

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, March 6, 2015

It’s official Richard Gere has finally excepted that he is old ALSO after watching the first Exotic Marigold Movie about 1000 times on HBO I am now SUPER excited for its sequel.

I won’t go to an ACTUAL theater but will pay for it on Amazon

Rudderless, October 17, 2014

My good friend William H. Macy, Bill to his friends directed this movie about a grieving father singing his sons songs in bars. The father is played by Billy Crudup who is an excellent actor but I think might be a dick in real life.

Rosewater, November 7, 2014

Jon Stewart’s directorial debut looks good but it also looks like the type of movie I would like to watch at home NOT in a theater. I would just like to say that I am happy this looks good and even though he is directing I for one liked Stewart as an ACTOR and would like him and Gillian Anderson to make a sequel to Playing By Heart.

You would have to PAY me to see it in an ACTUAL theater

Before I Go to Sleep, October 31, 2014

Dear Nicole Kidman, I know your husband Colin Firth looks totes sketch but you should NEVER EVER trust Mark Stong in a thriller just as one should always assume Sean Bean will die.

Gif from theinsatiablevoid.

August 29, 2014
by melissa
0 comments

Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recap, Pranks for the Memories

Wahlburgers gif 1

This was the first episode where I thought, “This show is fake. This is the fakest fake to ever fake.”

Forever Bob's caption.

Forever Bob’s caption.

NEW SIBLING ALERT! Bob, brother #4. Everyone is talking about pranks.

Mark claims that Alma is not the best prankster (though I am SURE she thinks she is). They all agree that Donnie is the best prankster in the family. This is both a dumb thing to discuss and base an episode around.

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On the patio again with Bob, Paul and Alma. Bob and Alma are eating at Wahlburgers together because GOD FORBID any Wahlberg ever pay for a meal. Mention Dorchester Day Parade, which Mark interviews he likes because every few years it would fall on his birthday. Once, he thought parade was for his birthday because he always had a huge ego.

They’re all discussing Dorchester Day parade and how Alma and her sister Lois dressed up and joined the parade many years ago.

I did not notice Alma crossed her fingers when she made the promise to Paul until I watched this episode for a second time.

I did not notice Alma crossed her fingers when she made the promise to Paul until I watched this episode for a second time.

Paul makes Bob and Alma there are no practical jokes. Alma instead sees a loophole and tells Paul she will not do anything to him personally, but that’s it. She is going to do SOMETHING.

I took the time to research more about Dorchester Day. You can read some local coverage of this year’s event at a few sites I found.

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NEW FAMILY MEMBER ALERT! We meet Alma’s grandson, Brandon, son of her daughter Tracy. He reminds her of all her sons and Mark interviews that he is “hardworking,” but also a prankster. Why haven’t we heard of this family’s love of pranks before? They’re talking about this damn parade again. They are running out of fun plot points for season 3.

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I LOVE A PARADEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Then Kari, bless her heart, shows up and asks them what they are talking about. They tell her about the parade and she is immediately interested due to HER love of parades. Where is Kari from? This parade seems like the biggest thing in the world and she’s never been before?

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Kari: “I’ve been busting my butt to be a part of this whole Wahlberg world, so I want in on this Dorchester Day.”

Kari: “What is this Dorchester Day about?”

Brandon: “It’s just a celebration of a great land, you know, Dorchester.”

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Brandon interviews that Kari is “prime prank material, she’ll believe in anything.”  He tells her there are some things she has to do to go to the parade since she is not from Dorchester, like wear that hamburger costume that we saw in last week’s preview.

“The new person dresses in a costume and marches in a costume. Or you can have a few big burly broads slap you around”

Kari: “I’ll take the costume.”

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Johnny Drama and Nacho show up and join them. He calls Brandon Mark’s “mini-me.” Nacho calls him a “weisenheimer.”

Donnie, on an NKOTB European tour (FAKE! tour was in May and Dorchester Day was in June), wants a shed painter, and Drama and Nacho volunteer to do it, though Kari says that “Nacho doesn’t strike me as the type to paint inside the lines.” I tend to agree with Kari, who thinks painting is hard.

It's kind of the shape of North Carolina, flipped over.

It’s kind of the shape of North Carolina, flipped over.

They show a note, which says Donnie wants the shed kelly green and the trim lime green. THAT SOUNDS HIDEOUS. Then everyone says “Renoir” incorrectly and I get furious.

Listen up, folks: you pronounce the “r” at the end. In fact, you always pronounce the “r”s at the end of French words unless it’s part of a verb, like parler. RENOIRRRRRRR. Like a fucking pirate. Now you try.

Also Brandon, increasingly one of the smartest members of the family, points out that the shed colors look familiar:

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OF COURSE! Please pain your shed to look like the logo of the burger joint you own with your family. That is so classy.

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Paul walks out of his office to see Kari wearing a burger costume! “The dumbest hamburger costume I’ve ever seen.” Kari explains that it’s her initiation day, but Paul, every quick, responds, “Initiation into what? Being an idiot?” Kari tells Paul that Brandon must have punked her, though neither Kari or Paul thought she was dumb enough to be punked by a kid (I knew! I did).

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Kari: “So what do I do?”

Paul: “Get some fries and you’re all set.”

"HAHAHAHA I AM SO DUMB."

“HAHAHAHA I AM SO DUMB.”

Then Kari realized a child pulled one over on her and she laughed a lot.

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Nacho and Drama go to Home Depot where there’s a shit ton of product  placement.

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They talk to this nice Home Depot employee, who treats them better than any Home Depot employee has ever treated me. Just because I look young, old fart, that does not mean I am not serious about this leaf blower. I bet they’re going to switch the paint colors. LIME GREEN FOR TRIM! C’mon dudes!

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And of course, Nacho lost the paper. They get the wrong paint and some tools.

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At Bob’s house with Madison, Paul’s daughter, Brandon, and some rando kids. Paul shows up looking for some Dorchester hats because he’s too cheap to buy one in the parade.

Paul wears his hat so wrinkled, says Bob.

Paul wears his hat so wrinkled, says Bob.

But us Wahlbergs have large bumps on our heads that we need to hide, says Donnie.

But us Wahlbergs have large bumps on our heads that we need to hide, says Donnie.

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Drama and Nacho go to Donnie’s Dorchester house (I’m sure he owns a house in LA too), which cannot possible be the house of a New Kid, because the side desperately needs a power wash.

It resembles the side of my house!

It resembles the side of my house!

Or maybe, starts really are like us!

Why complain about the shed's size? It is SMALL.

Why complain about the shed’s size? It is SMALL.

They go to paint the shed and things that they’re not going to be able to paint that shed in such a short amount of time. There’s two of them! Unless their limit is two hours, they should fucking finish.

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Drama starts painting and it looks so bad. The green is not lime green, but more like a fluorescent.

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They use rollers. This is really a simple job. The color is so miserable. We see in the shed a little bit and it looks totally empty. Why does Donnie have an empty shed? Where does he keep his potting soil?

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Meanwhile, the family goes and walks to the parade, except Alma, who stays behind with “illness.” This is, of course, all part of her master prank. She looks awakward and says she going to put her plan into action.

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Drama and Nacho think the shed looks “fly.” They send a picture to Donnie, who calls him, pissed.

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Drama is mad he trusted Nacho, to which Donnie replies, “Nacho speaks a foreign language?” Well he certainly can’t speak French, so that is out. Donnie insists they repaint, and Drama suggests they go back to Home Depot. Yahhhhhh ok.

Sooooo much green here.

Sooooo much green here.

Mark calls Drama and tells him what a great paint job he did.

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The family goes to the parade, and call Alma on the way, who claims she is “hurrying” but she’s really just planning her re-run prank of getting in the parade again.

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She tries to get on a float but they demand a costume and say “maybe next year.” They should rally call Kari and her burger costume.

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Brandon gets a message from Kari to meet her.

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Meanwhile, Alma still can’t find anyone to let her on a float. Don’t they know who she is? Mother of the guy from Boogie Nights AND one of the New Kids? She has a restaurant named after her! I’m sure everyone in town knows her.

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She is even rejected from the Family Steel Band. (I couldn’t find them online but I did find the list of all the floats/participants in “DOT DAY,” as they call it. They let fifth grade essay contest winners in this parade so I don’t know why Alma had such a hard time.)

Brandon claims he got “pranked” by Paul, but no, he was just bested. This family overuses that word. Now no one knows what to do with the burger costume.

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But dammmmnnn Alma finally convinces someone to let her in their fancy vintage convertible. Hey, it’s the car of state representative Dan Cullinane! (The Wahlbergs are not on his list of official endorsements but the Teamsters are!) She tells Paul she is on her way.

Wahlburgers 48They see her on the float and it is an underwhelming resolution.

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We do get to see Nacho in the burger costume in the parade, the “new sucker.” He said it was “exhilarating.” Nacho was not pranked because he clearly loves the attention.

Next episode: NKTOB play the UK (this show was May 27th, again, BEFORE THE PARADE), and Paul and Jenny McCarthy go visit him!

All screencaps by me. All gifs from the A&E tumblr.