Each week I review movie trailers that came out the previous week or for movies that are about to premiere. Some of these movies I am excited about, some I am mildly curious about, and the rest I make fun of!
Notable movies coming out tomorrow
The Hundred-Foot Journey
Hear let Steven Speilberg and Oprah tell you why this movie starring Helen Mirren is going to knock your socks off with pizzazz. It will also make you hungry for French and/or Indian food upon leaving the theater. [When I first saw this trailer before The Fault in Our Stars, my girlfriends and I looked at each other and all mouthed "that guy is so hot!" Later I found out that guy is Manish Dayal. RAWR. Anyways I would go see this with my mom. -M]
4 Minute Mile, is out onDemand and for Rent
Poor kid from a fucked up family tries to get a sport scholarship this time by running a 4 minute mile and being mentored by the supremely talented Richard Jenkins. [I would probably enjoy this movie but I hate running. Also I can't stop singing "I'm always fucking up the 4-minute mile." -M]
Movies I can’t wait to see in an ACTUAL theater
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, November 21, 2014
We are finally going to dissect the 3 new teasers for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1. I call the below trailer “DAMMIT PEETA –of course you were caught and brainwashed by the capital.” I have yet to read the final book but I hope like hell it has Peeta owning his own bakery, he deserves to do something he is good at and likes. [TEAM PEETA. I love Josh Hutcherson most of all. -M]
I like to call this trailer “Damn Johanna you look fine AND seriously NOT AMUSED!” [I love how she puts her hand on her hips! Bitch, pleeeeeeease. -M]
And this last teaser is simply “Katniss will reluctantly save everyone for the good of mankind AND this time without Peeta always fucking shit up.” [Seeing PSH here made me cry. I don't know if I can see Mockingjay. M]
I won’t go to an ACTUAL theater but will pay for it on Amazon
Whiplash, October 10, 2014
I heart J.K. Simmons and Miles Teller so I am going to give this the benefit of the doubt but I really hate movies where a kid is bullied by an asshole. [I really like that he's a drummer but the only woman in this trailer is a love interest-type. BORED NOW. -M]
Horns, October 31, 2014
This looks scary but also looks darkly funny, I dig Daniel Radcliffe so I will watch this once I can from my couch for less than 5 bucks. [I'm really impressed with the movies Radcliffe has been choosing post-Potter. Also, Max Minghella! -M]
You would have to PAY me to see it in an ACTUAL theater
Tusk, September 19, 2014
Ummmmm, Kevin Smith, this looks…interesting. I’m hoping this horror movie has better humor than the lame Canada jokes in the trailer but I am uncomfortable with poor Justin Long being turned into a walrus to actually ever see this movie. The title makes me think of Fleetwood Mac so that’s a positive comment (bonus Fleetwood Mac video down below). [Why does everyone pick on Canada? They have like 11 months of paid maternity leave! It's nice there. Also Justin's mustache is HORRIFYING. -M]
From the previews for this episode, I knew writer and hilarious woman of Twitter (like Nicole!) Kelly Oxford would be appearing! What a fucking treat.
Nicole begins by telling us, “There’s a group of moms at school, they just never include me. I have no idea why these bitches don’t like me. It’s confusing.” First, stop calling them bitches. I know this show is scripted and stuff but that made me squirm.
Cool ring, impeccable manicure.
She gets a coffee and sees the mommies there, who gawk at her awkwardly and ask if she had a rough night (must be the sunglasses). She says she has a sick kid at home and was up all night.
I love how the one on the right is looking directly at the camera.
One of the ladies says,”I thought you were hitting Hollywood or doing something fun.” Ladies, Nicole has CHANGED since her party days. She is a new woman. A new woman who gets wasted at her little sisters house with drag queens while doing keg stands.
Nicole asks, “Do you guys text each other before you come here?” They respond that they just know to show up, and they use this time to plan school events. One of the mommies (they never get individual names) says that she’s never seen Nicole at any of the mom events. Nicole protests and she says she’s never been invited and they should invite her.
It’s cute how nervous she is.
Nicole finds out about the fundraiser at school they’re planning, with a theme of “Bring the harvest.” Nicole tells the women, “That’s me, I will BRING the harvest.” She rants about farm fresh eggs and growing vegetables and we somehow end with her saying that she even yodels because she is so organic.
Nicole thinks that “Chickens are really the key to these women’s cold dead hearts. Buy chickens, lay eggs, give them to the moms and hope they choke. Not to death, but enough to find inner peace, like me.” I note here that she is wearing a boxy fringed jacket that looks not unlike our Hubble throw blanket. I’m trying to find ways to turn said Hubble throw into a chic jacket. What have I become??
Goes to Bella Farms with Kelly Oxford, who is also very confused about how buying chickens will solve Nicole’s problem with the school moms.
Kelly, who looks like a 70s supermodel, is wearing train conductor overalls and a Burberry-esque scarf and I sob because I will never look that good in overalls.
And right after:
Kelly takes pictures of Nicole with a horse to show everyone what a natural she is. Nicole suggests Kelly put it on her Instagram. “I’m with Nicole at home. Just hanging with the horses.” Nicole’s crop top, maxi skirt, black cardi and Heidi braids are probably even less appropriate for raising chickens than $800 overalls.
Kelly: “I dont understand why this is so important.”
Nicole: “These women treat me like I’m a desperate club rat.” [We have already established MULTIPLE times in this show that she is beyond that so what is the deal?] “I was like ten years ago, but I should be treated like a respectable chicken farmer.”
Kelly: “Yeah. OK.” [I am obsessed with Kelly's flat, sarcastic line delivery.]
Nicole tells Kelly, “This is where I was raised and where I was meant to be. I feel very… like I found myself. ”
Kelly disagrees with each of those statements with a curt “no,” while protecting her face from the stench of chicken crap with a pricey wool scarf.
Nicole and Kelly meet the owners of the farm and Nicole asks them immediately “Are you guys gay partners?” I CRINGE but Nicole of course was right on, because they just got married.
Nicole asks them a bunch of questions as to the mellowness of gay farming. We learn that chickens do not cuddle with them, are not gluten free, but they do pose for selfies! THANK GOD.
Inquiring about which breed of chicken is best for a family with kids, Nicole says “I want something exotic, kind of like the middle eastern of chickens.” I LOVE how Nicole is satirizing modern homesteaders who see owning chickens and growing food as a new kind of accessory. The farmers suggest a type of Japanese hens. Nicole worries that they are so small, but Kelly points out that makes them forward thinking and compact.
The farmers let the chickens out, who are, as expected, walking around and pecking on the ground.
Kelly screams, “bird dander!” and hides behind a tree. It is totally charming.
Nicole: “Do they need a pill or something?”
Kelly: “I do.”
The farmers give Nicole a pretty white chicken to hold, who she calls aggressive.
After holding a smaller hen, Nicole says, This one is like me. Nice to everyone even when they treat her like a fucking animal.
They watch the chickens, including a little one that Nicole loves. Everyone picks on her. Nicole thinks it’s because the other chickens watch bad reality TV and they think that’s what they should do. Ooooh burn, Real Housewives!
The farmers give Nicole and her four chickens a temporary coop. Nicole appreciates the tolerance of the hens, as they were raised on a gay farm. “I live in West Hollywood, so they’re going to be like, I’m home.”
Is this really farm-appropriate attire?
The chickens are with a foster mom, presumably because Nicole can’t be bothered to take care of them. Nicole is wearing another inappropriate outfit, a bag dress with a scarf.
Sofia, wearing a SUPER fugly hat, asks her why she is doing this. Nicole tells her about the moms from school excluding her.
“So you’re doing this because of moms?” she asks. Yeah, it makes no sense to the viewers, either, Sofia, but I am enjoying this comedy of errors.
Again, Nicole compares being adult to wearing beige (also having a side part). She wants to raise chickens and take care of them, and introduce them to people as the new “Richie-Maddens,” which I think is going a little too far.
Celeste, who reminds me of Ron Swanson’s mom played by Paula Pell, is telling the girls about the social habits of chickens, and suggests Nicole visit four times per week. Nicole’s hens are but a small percentage of Celeste’s 400 chickens she is raising! This sounds way better than my job. How do I raise chickens for celebrities in LA?
Celeste: “I have some roosters I don’t care for”
Nicole: “Because they’re assholes?”
Nicole is getting her wittle toes pecked by the new Richie-Maddens. Celeste shows Nicole where the supplies are.
Sofia gets to clean the poop to prevent maggots or flies. The poop, by the way, is larger than I expected. Apparently, you can take the droppings and make fertilizer for your garden! Celeste says now the chickens do another thing for them, besides producing eggs and making them happy. Celeste, I am ALL IN on this raising chickens thing if it makes me happy.
Nicole is then ready to collect her eggs from Celeste, but unfortunately, there were only three, as chickens lay about one egg per day. She needs three dozen and calls them “a failure.”
Goes to Atwater Village Farm, which looks amazing from the website (look at all those heirloom tomatoes!!) and I wish we had in Richmond.
She asks for eggs in variety of colors and says her chickens are not laying any eggs. The woman at the counter says it’s seasonal, but also comments that Nicole does not look like a chicken lady. Nicole protests, because look at her lacy Victorian blouse!
Because she will tell literally anyone her problem with the women at school, who are probably all lovely people, she explains everything to the lady at the farm store about her egg situation and then ca-caws.
I wish I had someone to braid my hair every day.
Nicole goes to farm fundraiser, which I now understand is a pop up market of these women selling stuff they have grown. If Nicole barely has anything to sell, I highly doubt these women do either. She should have nothing to worry about.
She’s wearing yet ANOTHER ridiculous white Victorian top, this one with a different hippie maxi skirt. This is the first time I have seriously questioned Nicole’s fashion judgement. I even wanted that blanket-jacket. But she looks insane.
She says things like “this party’s popping” and dances alone in a corner. She is not making any friends this way.
Then Nicole goes over to the “mean girl” moms and tells them crazy things about chickens and eggs–like how they’re not racist, but kid and people friendly. My eyes glass over because she is being completely ridiculous and I even want to punch her.
The women demand to know: Nicole, are those eggs really from your chicken farm?
She confesses: “All right you guys, they are not my eggs, but I got them because you always judge me and never invite me anywhere.”
The women chastize her for going through so much trouble, and say that they never invite her anywhere because she is, essentially, a huge star, and why would she spend her time doing something with them.
I TOLD YOU they were nice people!
They invite her to this Friday’s book club and she says that she likes to keep her Fridays open. Way to not make friends, Nicole. They try to get her to go to coffee but she makes up a bunch of excuses.
Oh Nicole, you will never learn!
Next episode: Nicole goes to Soul Cycle, hangs out with that guy from E! again, and practices throwing out the first pitch at a Dodgers game. Nicole as Clayton Kershaw! I wish I had the Photoshop skills to make this happen.
It finally happened! Our queen performed “Drunk in Love.” This week she switched between two body-clinging one-piece bodysuits. While we already kind of saw this performance at the Grammys, with Bey and Jay’s reported troubles, this song that is basically about fucking because you’re in love took on new meaning. I even teared up at the end when she and Jay hugged. The whole thing was perfect and sexy and what we all needed.
Eric, Pam, and Mr. Gus interrogate Amber. She lets the gang know Sarah is the antidote AND now Nuumi BUT Eric get’s pissed off and kills her. Eric is sometimes too impetuous. Pam and Mr. Gus are pretty pissed seeing as Sarah could cure Eric and make Mr.Gus a ton of money.
Andy and Holly find Adilyn’s cellphone but no Adilyn. Andy calls Jessica to see if she has felt Adilyn in danger. He and Holly go to Oklahoma to her ex-husbands lake-house.
Violet takes the kids to her mansion. Violet tells them that when she as young she too fucked her brother AND then leads them into her sex-room –Violet is the worst. It kills me that this show killed off Tara and Alcide and we are stuck with Lettie Mae and Violet.
Sookie, Jessica and Bill mope at his house.
Arlene is visited by her hot vampire Keith. They start making out and I am super happy that Arlene is getting some –GO ARLENE! Too bad it was a DREAM –whomp whomp!!!
Pam is mad at Eric for killing Amber but Eric is non-moved he has decided to kill Sarah and that is what he is going to do (Eric sometimes needs to get over it and move on). In comes Mr. Gus who offers Eric 49% of his NEW product NuBlood (TruBlood with Sarah’s synthesized antidote blood) if he helps them find Sarah AND becomes the companies spokesperson because he is one “handsome devil.” Eric agrees because he can move on if he is offered 49% of 3.2 billion dollars.
Bill flashback to the first time he met his wife –BORING.
Hoyt is back in town with his NEW blond girlfriend. Arlene calls Jason who is cleaning in his boxers –a half-naked Jason Stackhouse is the best kind of Jason Stackhouse.
Adilyn and Wade try to experiment with Violet’s sex-toys but realize they’re more of a vanilla kind of couple.
Jason keeps making eyes at Hoyt’s new girlfriend OR maybe she is making eyes at him either way it’s uncomfortable.
Sookie calls Dr. Ludwig “supernatural physician” who examines Bill and gets super creeped out when Sookie tells her she is related to Niall.
More Bill flashbacks –YAWN.
Jason comforts Hoyt even though Hoyt doesn’t remember him.
Hoyt’s new girlfriend was weird.
Sookie goes to the cemetery to call on grandpa Niall –I love me some Rutger Hauer. He tells Sookie he will try to save Bill even though he doesn’t feel Bill is a good match for her.
Sarah goes to the old Fellowship of the Sun campground, where she has a vision of Jason who tells her she is going to die.
Sam whines to Arlene about being forced to leave Bon Temps for his girlfriend and daughter –SAM LEAVE BON TEMPS YOU NUTCASE.
Andy and Holly don’t find the kids in Oklahoma and poor Andy has a bit of a breakdown.
Niall has Sookie channel natures great history or something like that, basically poor Sookie and Niall have to go through a Bill flashback. He then tells Sookie that he can’t save Bill with his magic. Sookie is kind of an asshole about the whole thing but she is grieving so I’ll forgive her for being assy to Rutger Hauer.
Lettie Mae and Lala are digging up a strangers yard –this all we see of LALA, TRAVESTY!
Arlene gets drunk and Keith comes to the bar because he feels her pain (I HOPE THIS ISN’T A DREAM). They dance. Arlene tells him they can’t have sex because she is now Hep-V positive but he tells her he is cool with just dancing.
Violet wakes up the love birds and then she attacks them. Jessica rises and feels Adilyn’s terror.
Eric, Pam, and Mr. Gus go after Sarah Newlin.
Sookie goes over and has sex with Bill, which is even more boring then when we flashback to Bill pre-Civil War.
For the Sookie and Bill fans out there.
Sarah has more visions of ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands –LOVE YOU STEVE NEWLIN!!! Eric and Pam have the best costumes this season. Tonight she is dressed in hot pink and reminds me of Brittany Spears and he looks like the sixth member of either the Backstreet Boys or NSync.
Sarah Newlin going mad is pretty great. ALSO I missed Steve Newlin.
Ummm everything that wasn’t Eric, Pam, or Sarah related. NO LALA except the 30 seconds he was digging in some persons yard.
Any episode without Lala dancing sucks.
Um Steve Newlin and the guru trying to convince Sarah to die a Christian or a Buddhist was funny.
Next week kids shit happens but let’s hope Pam and Eric survive it all.