Smart ladies love dumb TV, American Idol live show 9 recap

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Here we are, WEEK nine of American Idol with only five contestants left (so long CJ) and Melissa and I are still watching this shit show! Due to Grad school and allergies I’m taking over the recapping reigns again, get ready for possible comic reviews (still trying to finish more Queen & Country but I did finish Lazarus #one –I know how much all ten of you care about the comics I read) and caring too much for stuff that doesn’t matter. I think that Jason Mraz is this weeks Terry Bradshaw/Grumpy Cat –good luck trying to top that cat, Mraz, if Bradshaw couldn’t I’m sure as shit you can’t!

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I’m just going to tell you right now I don’t know half of these bands and most of them have terrible names (The Neighborhood? Young the Giant? A Great Big World?). [It’s The Neighbourhood, which is worse because they’re fucking American. I looked them up. I wish this show would stay away from fake major label indie rock and just have Pitchfork night. -M]

I like Ryan’s tie but do not think I like where they knotted it. JLo looked amazing in a sparkle sack. Harry was also looking dashing and that folks is the Idol week nine fashion thoughts by me (Melissa sent me a text that simply said YOWWWWZZZZZAAAAAA so I’m guessing she approved as well). [J Lo is soooooo pretty. -M]

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Up first is Alex with The Neighborhood’s Neighbourhood’s “Sweater Weather,” Jason Mraz told him to look cold because the song is about sweater weather –THIS SHOW!?! Alex wears a blazer and the production is palm trees, I feel like I need a sweater on this kid and pine trees. ALSO it sucks. Melissa and I ended up dreaming of a week nine that still included Majesty Rose singing “Diane Young” by Vampire Weekend. The judges seem to really like this –you know nothing judges! [I hope Majesty sings that on tour–you can credit us for that idea, girl! -M]

Also here is Austin Mahone to take a selfie with Ryan Seacrest. Zooey Deschanel also came to surprise Alex because she is his celebrity crush. Don’t worry grumpy cat you are still the best!

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Caleb is second and of course America has chosen him two rock songs (dear America, what do I have to do to convince you that Caleb should sing a song from a rock musical) the first of which is Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” –YAWN.  Jason wants him to tell a story while he sings, I wish Caleb was singing something from Spring Awakening (below is video of the cast of Spring Awakening performing at the Tony’s –this is not the best song from Spring Awakening but look how young Lea Michelle, Jonathan Groff, and John Gallagher, Jr. were). Caleb was off and I was watching YouTube.  JLo loved it but Harry was critical of the performance.

Oh god it’s a group number with Jena, Alex, and Sam singing a song I didn’t know existed and didn’t bother to type the name of it when Ryan said it. Oh wait this song is in a commercial, now I will be driven  crazy trying to remember what commercial it is from –FUCK YOU IDOL! [I don’t even want to look it up because it would be depressing. -M]

Everyone is predicting the judges throwing Jessica under the bus, so that she goes home this week, let’s hope that isn’t the case. Her hair might be terrible but her voice is sublime. Send Sam home America, he is terrible.  Also Jessica loves Supernatural and that’s super endearing. Her first song is Christina Perri’s “Human.” Jason coached her on how to hold her guitar and dance. Jessica is showing off the gams again this week and I love it. Her voice is so fragile on this song and also really big. It’s so good, if the judges say she sucked they are wrong. Harry seemed to like it, Keith also noticed the fragility, and JLo  also seemed to like it too but none of them were as pleased as Melissa and I were. [She was amazing! I really just want her to beat stupid Sam and then you can send her home so she can record music that sounds like “Blue Eyed Lie.” -M]

Sam is fourth, I will use this time to read more Queen & Country. Ariana Grande, Sam’s crush surprises him. I am shocked that her hair is not in a ponytail. Melissa informs me she is wearing a sweater and no pants. Ariana where are your pants?  Before commercial I notice that Ariana is wearing white go-go boots. So her look is, large grey sack sweater, no pants, and white go-go boots –youth of America you are killing me. If you are willing to listen to Sam sing he is performing, Ed Sheeran’s “Sing.” Keith didn’t love it, JLo  mainly babbled, and Harry noticed it was funk but Sam had no rhythm.

I have dubbed her Ariana NO PANTS! Man I wish you could see the boots.

I have dubbed her Ariana NO PANTS! Man I wish you could see the boots. Sam is a robot and he is not blushing, his cheeks are permanently red.

[And here’s where I went into MY YouTube hole, watching the new Ariana Grande video which is awesome. -M]

Fifth is Jena with Young the Giant’s “My Body.” Jason thinks she sparkles. He also thinks her eyes are awesome. Jena makes fun of Jason to his face, I love her and also feel bad as I am a person who would also say something like “tickled by the moment.” Jena has serious diction issues but she is fun and I am not bored. I am confused as to what her body tells her, though. Melissa and I think she looks adorable in, sparkly Doc Martin’s, red striped top, and black jeans! The judges love it. It’s hard not to love Jena she is sparkly.

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Caleb and Jess are dueting on “Beast of Burden” by The Rollingstones. It’s WAY better than the group number earlier.  Jess and Caleb’s outfits are the bomb, it’s like a cowboy and sexy librarian. [I texted Katie about how much I love this song, as my old roommate in Albany loved it too and I would pay for it to play on the jukebox at the bar every weekend when we were drunk so she could sing along and do a ridiculous dance. -M]

Alex’s second song of the night is A Great Big World (feat. Christina Aguilera)’s “Say Something.” He does it really slow. He also raises his eyebrow while singing it and it makes it look like he is lying to us –don’t lie to us Alex. Keith gives him a standing-O –Keith is clearly on drugs this evening. Harry liked the performance so much he thought it was the performance of the night. I think the best thing about tonight is JLo’s sparkly bracelets and dress. [I don’t think this was better than either of Jess’ performances. -M]

For her second song Jena is singing Amy Winehouse’s “Valerie,” which is one of my favorite songs ever. Jena is super amazing but I wish this wasn’t so much like the Winehouse version because it makes me sad (watch the video below to be sad too).  The judges criticized her for doing a slow tempo version which they attributed to Winehouse,  here is the thing people, Winehouse recorded a slower tempo “Valerie” (Back to Black: B-Sides) and performed it like that . The up-tempo version is on Mark Ronson’s album Version (I will give Keith partial credit for mentioning Ronson’s name in his lame critique). I don’t know why I care so much.

Sam sang the The Fray’s “How to Save a Life,” I’m going to be honest I didn’t pay attention at all because I care too much about the legacy of Amy Winehouse.

Jessica sang Lana del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness,” it was so much better than the original also Jessica was sexy as hell in her red dress. The judges are morons for not loving that song. Also why is it when Lana Del Rey sings it’s like she is singing with a dick in her mouth (it’s gross that I typed that and it’s gross that she sings that way)? She also sometimes sounds like a tiny child. Jessica did neither and it was much appreciated. [Yes she totally made that song sexy and scary. She should cover the whole Lana Del Rey catalog! I did like when Harry said it’s obvious Jess’ fans really like her because they gave her good songs. I will say her I put in a suggestion of Lydia Loveless “To Love Somebody” and I stand by it because Jessica would ROCK IT. -M]

Caleb finishes out the night performing, Whitesnake’s “Still of the Night.” It is exactly like what you think it is. Again I beg someone to make Caleb sing something from a musical. This is another thing I care about that I probably shouldn’t.  The judges love it.  They praise him like he is Jesus, JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR??? And with that goodnight kidz!!! [YAWN. He is just going to win, isn’t he? -M]

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SPARKLES!!!

Gifs from americanidol.

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