Each of the top three sang three songs last night: Randy’s pick, Judge’s pick, Contest rerun (chosen by their hometown). Like all late-season Idol episodes, I spent over an hour just begging for it to be over. [I read a couple comics and looked at pictures of ASkars –what, I’m human! I also read a bunch of shit about How I Met Your Dad –please somebody pick this show up. -K]
In the beginning of the episode, we are treated to a righteous flashback, where we get a glimpse of THE DUNK and the names of all the past winners are revealed, some of which are much easier to understand (Scotty McCreery) than others (Ruben Studdard). Already I hate myself for watching it.
They trot out a doctor who reveals that Caleb has been having vocal trouble, perhaps to excuse his performance. This way he will get sympathy votes and America will forget about the r-word. NEVER FORGET. [I hate Caleb. -K]
And then, the worst reveal: they tease the homecoming performances and then Ryan tells us we won’t see the footage of these until Thursday. You mean the day I don’t watch this show? GAHHHHHH. But I wanna see pretty Asheville on TV.
Then there’s a short performance of the Selfie song, which I mute pretty quickly, but not quick enough to miss the words that verify it is way more sexist than “Barbie Girl.” [It was awful and I wanted to die. I did finish issue #2 of Captain Marvel. COMIC REVIEW: Captain Marvel is pretty fantastic, as Carol Danvers loves both Star Wars and punching things AND it’s written by a woman. One quibble, as Danvers is part of The Avengers why is she not in the movies. Hey Marvel, its awesome the way you are currently writing female superheroes but why aren’t Danvers and Kamala Khan AKA Ms. Marvel in The Avengers movies? -K]
Because it’s the 500th episode sometimes past contestants show up and wish American Idol a happy birthday. I won’t go into how the number of episodes does not correspond to an actual date of birth.
Shut the Fuck Up Randy
He did so many wrong things tonight but the most egregious error was calling INXS’ “Never Tear Us Apart” a contemporary song choice. It came out in 1987. I was in fucking elementary school. Also, Caleb sucked. Then, he picked Bastille for Alex and I hated him even more. Bastille is like a 3rd generation Phoenix rip off so he should have done “Lisztomania” instead. [I hope season 14 is Randy free! -K]
Lastly, he picked soulkilling “Titanium” for Jena. Katie texted me that she should have done “Chewing Gum” instead and she is SO RIGHT. It would have been way more fun.
If Jena wants to sing dance music she should probably branch out.
When Kris Allen showed up and I realized how much I missed him. Oh Alex, what you could have been. [CUPCAKE! -K]
Or, when Jessica’s segment aired. Majesty showed up too! AND Malaya danced:
There was a Hunger Games reference too, yeah!
I loooooooved when Keith talked about Nicole being at Cannes and then showed a picture of her wearing this. I cannot wait until our Cannes post. Here’s a spoiler: J’ADORE THAT GOWN. [SPARKLES! So many sparkles. -K]
[Am I supposed to know who this fool is? -K]
Most Talented Multi-Instrumentalist
Just kidding, I have no idea who it is, but it’s probably not Alex.
Most Convincing Reason Idol Should Stop Supporting Radio “Dance” Music
I think Jena is great, but this is not who she is. It is not dynamic enough. When the judges picked Demi Lovato for her, THAT was perfect. The song went somewhere.
Best Song Choice
Since “Story of My Life” was a rerun (and THE SMARTEST choice
he the people of New Hampshire and the GOVERNOR could make), I loved the judges’ pick of Rihanna’s “Stay” for Alex. I have heard that song a billion times and it sounded new and different, so yay. [GO ALEX! -K]
Best Dancer, non-Malaya Category
So what if she is a professional? SHE IS THE BEST EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR. [Her dress is sparkletastic! -K]
No, it’s Where MY Demons Hide
Ahhh. I feel much better. [BEARDS literally make everyone hotter! -K]
All gifs from americanidol.