Smart ladies love dumb TV, American Idol texts week 5

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Top Nine Group
Look, Katie and I spent a lot of time during our texting this week talking about March Madness. It happens. It also means we really didn’t say a lot about American Idol.  So I’m going to mix in some of my opinions with the texts.

America, you suck

Top Nine Paul Jolley
How dare you allow Katie’s boyfriend Paul Jolley to go home before Lazaro and Angie!
Katie: “Bye dream boat. I will miss you and your vaguely gay personage.”

Weirdest phrasing (tie)

I texted Katie about BOTH Angie and Janelle’s phrasing this week because it was so fucking bizarre. Janelle lost the melody of “I Will” (truly one of the prettiest songs ever) in her desire to be an artist and Angie… well, I don’t know what she was doing. Also trying to be an artist? She just confused me. For some reason it annoys me when people change the gender in songs. If you want to listen to a great cover of “I Will,” might I suggest Rose Melberg (Go Sailor, The Softies)?

Or if you’re interested in a weird interpretation of a Beatles song, one where the gender is not changed (yay!), see The Fiery Furnaces’ “Norwegian Wood.”

I got off on a little tangent there… maybe I should go back to Idol? OK?

Best dressed

Top Nine Devin Velez

Devin, you are one-upping every girl on this show with your style and they all probably hate you.

Top Nine Seacrest

This isn’t fair, but Ryan Seacrest is also dressed flawlessly, even more so than the judges (the only one who doesn’t dress in a manner I hate is Keith but a Mustang tee and beat up jeans does not deserve best dressed). We are really upset about his break up though.

Katie: “What is the Hough thinking? They were perfect for each other.”
Melissa: “I would have taken a week off work [after a break up]. He’s such a trooper.”

Top Nine Amber Holcomb

I also liked Amber’s butterfly print dress which I think is this one from McQ. I would have switched the necklace for a cool armband that didn’t get in her way while performing but whatever.

Worst Dressed

Top Nine Lazaro Arbos

The buttons on the shirt are weird and the ill-fitting jacket makes me think he’s won a major golf tournament. Lazaro would benefit from a 3-button jacket–it wouldn’t gap as much.

More about Angie

Top Nine Angie Miller
Re: her performance in the group number
Katie: “OMG Angie just did the Lana del Rey blow job song look. Make it stop!!! That is a mic, Angie, not a dick. She makes me uncomfortable, Melissa.”

First is worst, second is best…


Jessica with Ne-Yo was actually pretty great!
Katie: “I wish she would have sang songs like this last year. I would have liked her better.”
Melissa: “Too many Celine ballads. I think they were afraid of sexualizing her because she was so young, but she looks great! She’s like Sporty Spice.”

They’re wearing us down

Top 9 Judges

Katie: “Nicki has been annoying me since the waffle analogy of last week.”

Katie: “Randy just started this sentence with ‘Yo, yo.'” I wish they put electrodes on his chair and shocked him every time he says yo.”

Apparently this happened too

Top Nine Charlie Aubrey

Because the Idol tour needs another ballad singer, America chose Aubrey to join the summer tour over Charlie. He probably wasn’t chosen because of his frail emotions.

This week’s winner

Top Nine Candice Glover

Candice, you didn’t sing a ballad, you weren’t boring, you wore a leather vest (!!), and you had amazing stankface. You won American Idol this week.

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