Smart ladies love dumb TV, American Idol texts week 8


Congratulations, America, for doing the right thing and sending Lazaro home. Too bad it had to come after Paul Jolley, Devin Velez & Burnell Taylor were all sent packing.

Ain’t it time we said goodbye?

Angie Miller Top 6 Standing

Katie: “Did she sing ‘Do You Know the Way to San Jose?'”
Melissa: “No she sang something awful I didn’t know. I mean, it could only be so awful because it was written by Burt Bacharach.”

Angie Miller Top 6 Piano

Melissa: “This girl is a Christian songwriter, Kari Jobe, I just looked her up. She is from Waco, Texas. I love Wikipedia!”
Melissa: “Angie thinks, If I sing a song about Jesus, people will vote for me.”

We are middle aged cranks

Amber Holcomb Top 6 Jumpsuit

Melissa: “At least it’s not a ballad.”
Katie: “She is like an R&B robot.”
Melissa (at same time): “I just wish she would move.”
Melissa: “Jinx! Ish!”
Katie: “I hate Amber’s jumpsuit. The stitching and fabric and edging look so cheap. This is like Star Search. I have a lot of opinions about Amber.” [It is even worse when you look at it closely. The zippers are hiddy. -M]

Amber Holcomb Top 6 Shorts

Katie: “Why does she not have real pants on?”
Melissa: “I’m not feeling this, it’s too samey to the original.”
Katie: “The brass sound was terrible.”
Melissa: “Yeah, the band was kinda shitty.”

Judging style

Melissa: “This is the second Mustang shirt that Keith has worn. FORD SPONSOR.”
Katie: “Nicole buys them in bulk.”

American Idol Randy Jackson brooch

Katie: “Randy is wearing a brooch I made for my grandmother when I was 7.”

Crotch-gate 2013

Melissa: “Lazaro’s going to sing ‘Close to You’ by The Carpenters and we will want to kill ourselves. He will forget all the words and we will stare at his crotch.”
Katie: “I’m going to take pictures of his crotch for our fans.”

American Idol Top 6 Lazaro Arbos crotch 1
Melissa: “This sounds like something he would sing at a gay club’s karaoke night. Oh my god that suit is so ugly.”
Katie: “Dammit it’s a conspiracy. They have lit around his crotch so we don’t see it. That jacket is fug. Devin Velez is dying inside.”
Katie: “IS HE CRYING?”

Melissa: “He did this at Hollywood Week. YAWN. Well, he won’t forget the words.”
Katie: “I almost forgot I’m on crotch patrol.”
Melissa: “It’s not like he’s even pronouncing words, he’s just like mouthing sounds.”

American Idol Top 6 Lazaro Arbos crotch 3
Katie: “Um, is the bottom of his shirt floral or is that a diaper?”
Melissa: “Whatever it is, they’re trying to camouflage his crotch and you know it.”

American Idol Top 6 Lazaro Arbos crotch 2

Katie: “He wears leggings in rehearsals.”
Melissa: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lennie Briscoe would be proud

Janelle Arthur Top 6

Katie: “JANELLE! OMG I love this song more than life.”
Melissa: “It’s cheesy but I fucking love it.”
Katie: “RIP Jerry Orbach, who sang it on Broadway. It’s in my Broadway collection.”
Melissa: “—”

New rule: always sing Kris Kristofferson

Kree Harrison Top 6

Melissa: “This is great. Like, SO, SO GOOD.”
Katie: “Yes I love this. And she is in a ducking dress. Fucking.”
Melissa: “Oh autocorrect. Mine does that too. When am I ever going to use the word ducking?”
Katie: “It’s obviously fucking. And I usually change it to fucking, it should remember that.”
Melissa: “You never say ducking. Cause that would imply guns or hunting.” (Or sports?)
Katie: “Or I am a federation duck duck goose champion.”
Melissa: “I would go to that event.”
Katie: “It would be amazing.”
Melissa: “It could be like Dodgeball but we could hire all ladies. A feminist comedy. One day we will write a movie.”

And one of the best things on the American Idol website

American Idol Lazaro Arbos Edgy Rocker

All the leather in the world can’t turn this kid into an edgy rocker. WOULD IT KILL SOMEONE TO PUT HIM INTO SOME VINTAGE BOOTCUT LEVI’S? Pretend you’re dressing Keith.

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