From the previews for this episode, I knew writer and hilarious woman of Twitter (like Nicole!) Kelly Oxford would be appearing! What a fucking treat.
Nicole begins by telling us, “There’s a group of moms at school, they just never include me. I have no idea why these bitches don’t like me. It’s confusing.” First, stop calling them bitches. I know this show is scripted and stuff but that made me squirm.
She gets a coffee and sees the mommies there, who gawk at her awkwardly and ask if she had a rough night (must be the sunglasses). She says she has a sick kid at home and was up all night.
One of the ladies says,”I thought you were hitting Hollywood or doing something fun.” Ladies, Nicole has CHANGED since her party days. She is a new woman. A new woman who gets wasted at her little sisters house with drag queens while doing keg stands.
Nicole asks, “Do you guys text each other before you come here?” They respond that they just know to show up, and they use this time to plan school events. One of the mommies (they never get individual names) says that she’s never seen Nicole at any of the mom events. Nicole protests and she says she’s never been invited and they should invite her.
Nicole finds out about the fundraiser at school they’re planning, with a theme of “Bring the harvest.” Nicole tells the women, “That’s me, I will BRING the harvest.” She rants about farm fresh eggs and growing vegetables and we somehow end with her saying that she even yodels because she is so organic.
Nicole thinks that “Chickens are really the key to these women’s cold dead hearts. Buy chickens, lay eggs, give them to the moms and hope they choke. Not to death, but enough to find inner peace, like me.” I note here that she is wearing a boxy fringed jacket that looks not unlike our Hubble throw blanket. I’m trying to find ways to turn said Hubble throw into a chic jacket. What have I become??
Goes to Bella Farms with Kelly Oxford, who is also very confused about how buying chickens will solve Nicole’s problem with the school moms.
Kelly, who looks like a 70s supermodel, is wearing train conductor overalls and a Burberry-esque scarf and I sob because I will never look that good in overalls.
And right after:
Kelly takes pictures of Nicole with a horse to show everyone what a natural she is. Nicole suggests Kelly put it on her Instagram. “I’m with Nicole at home. Just hanging with the horses.” Nicole’s crop top, maxi skirt, black cardi and Heidi braids are probably even less appropriate for raising chickens than $800 overalls.
Kelly: “I dont understand why this is so important.”
Nicole: “These women treat me like I’m a desperate club rat.” [We have already established MULTIPLE times in this show that she is beyond that so what is the deal?] “I was like ten years ago, but I should be treated like a respectable chicken farmer.”
Kelly: “Yeah. OK.” [I am obsessed with Kelly’s flat, sarcastic line delivery.]
Nicole tells Kelly, “This is where I was raised and where I was meant to be. I feel very… like I found myself. ”
Kelly disagrees with each of those statements with a curt “no,” while protecting her face from the stench of chicken crap with a pricey wool scarf.
Nicole and Kelly meet the owners of the farm and Nicole asks them immediately “Are you guys gay partners?” I CRINGE but Nicole of course was right on, because they just got married.
Nicole asks them a bunch of questions as to the mellowness of gay farming. We learn that chickens do not cuddle with them, are not gluten free, but they do pose for selfies! THANK GOD.
Inquiring about which breed of chicken is best for a family with kids, Nicole says “I want something exotic, kind of like the middle eastern of chickens.” I LOVE how Nicole is satirizing modern homesteaders who see owning chickens and growing food as a new kind of accessory. The farmers suggest a type of Japanese hens. Nicole worries that they are so small, but Kelly points out that makes them forward thinking and compact.
The farmers let the chickens out, who are, as expected, walking around and pecking on the ground.
Kelly screams, “bird dander!” and hides behind a tree. It is totally charming.
Nicole: “Do they need a pill or something?”
Kelly: “I do.”
The farmers give Nicole a pretty white chicken to hold, who she calls aggressive.
After holding a smaller hen, Nicole says, This one is like me. Nice to everyone even when they treat her like a fucking animal.
They watch the chickens, including a little one that Nicole loves. Everyone picks on her. Nicole thinks it’s because the other chickens watch bad reality TV and they think that’s what they should do. Ooooh burn, Real Housewives!
The farmers give Nicole and her four chickens a temporary coop. Nicole appreciates the tolerance of the hens, as they were raised on a gay farm. “I live in West Hollywood, so they’re going to be like, I’m home.”
The chickens are with a foster mom, presumably because Nicole can’t be bothered to take care of them. Nicole is wearing another inappropriate outfit, a bag dress with a scarf.
Sofia, wearing a SUPER fugly hat, asks her why she is doing this. Nicole tells her about the moms from school excluding her.
“So you’re doing this because of moms?” she asks. Yeah, it makes no sense to the viewers, either, Sofia, but I am enjoying this comedy of errors.
Again, Nicole compares being adult to wearing beige (also having a side part). She wants to raise chickens and take care of them, and introduce them to people as the new “Richie-Maddens,” which I think is going a little too far.
Celeste, who reminds me of Ron Swanson’s mom played by Paula Pell, is telling the girls about the social habits of chickens, and suggests Nicole visit four times per week. Nicole’s hens are but a small percentage of Celeste’s 400 chickens she is raising! This sounds way better than my job. How do I raise chickens for celebrities in LA?
Celeste: “I have some roosters I don’t care for”
Nicole: “Because they’re assholes?”
Nicole is getting her wittle toes pecked by the new Richie-Maddens. Celeste shows Nicole where the supplies are.
Sofia gets to clean the poop to prevent maggots or flies. The poop, by the way, is larger than I expected. Apparently, you can take the droppings and make fertilizer for your garden! Celeste says now the chickens do another thing for them, besides producing eggs and making them happy. Celeste, I am ALL IN on this raising chickens thing if it makes me happy.
Nicole is then ready to collect her eggs from Celeste, but unfortunately, there were only three, as chickens lay about one egg per day. She needs three dozen and calls them “a failure.”
Goes to Atwater Village Farm, which looks amazing from the website (look at all those heirloom tomatoes!!) and I wish we had in Richmond.
She asks for eggs in variety of colors and says her chickens are not laying any eggs. The woman at the counter says it’s seasonal, but also comments that Nicole does not look like a chicken lady. Nicole protests, because look at her lacy Victorian blouse!
Because she will tell literally anyone her problem with the women at school, who are probably all lovely people, she explains everything to the lady at the farm store about her egg situation and then ca-caws.
I wish I had someone to braid my hair every day.
Nicole goes to farm fundraiser, which I now understand is a pop up market of these women selling stuff they have grown. If Nicole barely has anything to sell, I highly doubt these women do either. She should have nothing to worry about.
She’s wearing yet ANOTHER ridiculous white Victorian top, this one with a different hippie maxi skirt. This is the first time I have seriously questioned Nicole’s fashion judgement. I even wanted that blanket-jacket. But she looks insane.
She says things like “this party’s popping” and dances alone in a corner. She is not making any friends this way.
Then Nicole goes over to the “mean girl” moms and tells them crazy things about chickens and eggs–like how they’re not racist, but kid and people friendly. My eyes glass over because she is being completely ridiculous and I even want to punch her.
The women demand to know: Nicole, are those eggs really from your chicken farm?
She confesses: “All right you guys, they are not my eggs, but I got them because you always judge me and never invite me anywhere.”
The women chastize her for going through so much trouble, and say that they never invite her anywhere because she is, essentially, a huge star, and why would she spend her time doing something with them.
They invite her to this Friday’s book club and she says that she likes to keep her Fridays open. Way to not make friends, Nicole. They try to get her to go to coffee but she makes up a bunch of excuses.
Oh Nicole, you will never learn!
Next episode: Nicole goes to Soul Cycle, hangs out with that guy from E! again, and practices throwing out the first pitch at a Dodgers game. Nicole as Clayton Kershaw! I wish I had the Photoshop skills to make this happen.