Smart ladies love dumb TV, Candidly Nicole recap, How to be Short


Prediction: from the title on the DVR, “How to be Short,” my guess is that Nicole will invent a self esteem issue, which is hating how short she is. Let’s see if I’m right.

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Opens at Soul Cycle, where a sign on the wall reads,  Ready to Soul? to ride at SC you must be 4’11” and 12 years old. I have had at least one adult friend that was under 4’11” so I’m guessing people probably get pissed about these Cedar Park-esque regulations.

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Look, it’s Ben Lyons from E!again!! Nicole does not want to sit up front. Her feet do not reach the pedals.

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“Being short has kept me from a lot of things…athletics; runway modeling; politics, obviously (How tall is Obama?).”

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The instructor lowers Nicole’s seat so her feet reach the pedals, and she now looks like a tiny adolescent compared to all the grown up giants that surround her.



She does some woo-ing but can’t quite reach the Thor-like instructor’s high-five.

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Ben tells her that she can’t let her hot mom friends, like Jessica Alba, outride her. She replies, “I don’t think she has the allergies I do.” Seriously, allergies SO make a lot of things difficult in life. Maybe not cycling indoors.

“Pretend you’re back in the club, and Joel’s DJ-ing and you lock eyes and he plays that Good Charlotte record and you just go dumb.” Oh Ben, you are so funny.

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She begins faking that the cycling is easy but she’s constantly wiping her sweaty hair (pin those bangs back, giiiiiiirrrrrrlllll). At the end, everyone leaves and she is alone, her feet stuck in the pedals.

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Soul Cycle store/locker room, Nicole tells Ben and the girl that SoulCycle is not for someone of her size, and “it is a little big for me. It’s not easy being 5’1″.”

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“I think you’re confusing being short with not working out or being athletic.” Ben, you’re a douche, but a douche who is saying what we’re all thinking. Nicole is in shock and tells a story about going to the doctor in 6th grade and he told he she was done growing. She gets all philosophical and says, “I’ve done a lot of work on myself and one day I will accept myself for who I am.”

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Nicole claims she is missing out on a whole world because she is so short, and says there are just things she can’t do. Thankfully they’re all things she has examples of from the three previous episodes!

Remember when she climbed in the cart in episode 2? Though I think this was more about her bring wine-drunk than short.

Remember when she climbed in the cart in episode 2? Though I think this was more about her bring wine-drunk than short.

“[Car] Sun visors don’t work on me. I cannot reach anything on the top shelf of a grocery store, I have been having kid cereal my whole life. Can’t do runway. I always wanted to throw the first pitch at the Dodger game.”

Ben says he “knows a guy” and if she really wants to do this he could make it happen. “I am a fighter, which is the most important thing, and I will push through this.” “You sound crazy.”

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She goes to see a doctor for her “foot pain.” Hurts doing anything on it. “Be gentle.” Has plantar fascitis! Just like Albert Pujols! It’s a common-ish baseball injury.

The doctor says she should wear shorter shoes, but Nicole says that’s not an option–she needs heels!

I note that in the background here is the BEST MUSIC like what is played in Lifetime movies or in dramatic moments in soap operas.

Doctor suggests she wear these, which are not as stylish as the ones she is currently wearing:

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(canned laughter)

“We’ve got to get you to stop wearing the heels. Wear more supportive shoes,” says the doc. Nicole initially refuses to listen to any of the advice from the good doctor, but has a sudden change of heart, when she realizes it will probably be funnier for her TV show. “I will never wear heels or let anyone I know wear heels. I love my life. I wish Michael Jackson’s ‘Man in the Mirror’ was playing right now.” At the end she cries in the doctor’s arms.

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“I don’t need heels to fake my height. I’m perfectly happy the way I am.”

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At Culver City Park, we see Nicole crossing the field in a Rascal, which is for old people, and you can see she’s wearing those ugly shoes from the doctor’s office. Ben asks why she’s in the Rascal.

“First of all, this is serious. I was injured and wanted to be something that I am not.”

“Enough with the short activism.”

Nicole hobbles to mound. Points at “batter” and says “Google me, ho.”

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Ben gives her some pointers, and Nicole starts throwing pitches to Ben. She is legit awful. She cannot be this bad for real, right?  Like she’s worse than 50 Cent.

She then becomes what appears to be passably good. Then everyone takes a selfie:

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Nicole is worried about the most important stuff, anyway: “What if I get scouted? I definitely have to blowdry my bangs that day.”

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She’s in the car with Ben on the way to the Dodgers game. She tells him, “I’m doing this, not only for me, but for all the short people in the world.” Ben is really concerned she’s going to bring the Rascal again but Nicole wants to wait to see how she’s feeling. Uhhhh if it’s not in your car, dude, it’s not going to be there.

“Can we go in the locker room like Sex and the City? I was hoping to go in the actual locker room where they take off their cups.” This is particularly gross when you think about where she is actually going.

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Then there is a really uncomfortable conversation about shrinkage. Even Ben felt awkward.

“I just need to throw if forward and hope that it reaches”:Nicole is getting nervous because it’s in front of thousands of people.

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As it turns out, Ben drove Nicole to a Little League game! Now that’s more like it. If Clayton Kershaw was on this show I would freak out so it’s for the best. These are the Santa Monica Little League Dodgers.

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“I thought if you came here, you’d be at home among people your own size.”

“You don’t think I can handle the Dodgers’ basically?”

“No, but you can look everyone in the eye. It’s for the kids, it’s gonna be one of the best days of their lives.”

“I don’t want to let these little assholes down.”

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The game seems sparsely attended, maybe they didn’t know a real life celebrity–BEN LYONS from E!–would be there.

There’s some flashbacks through the episode to her made up challenges with being short.

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Nicole does a lot of exercises at the mound to get ready. Then, it happens: she throws the pitch high, rainbow-style, and says “Let’s play ball!”

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Ben is so proud of her too!

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She hangs out with the pitcher and says “oh yeah!!!” and gives him some shitty words of encouragement. He responds with, “Wait, why are you still out here?”

Then Nicole moves into the field, appears to play short stop, and, in a huddle, tells the kids she wants them to murder the other team with their soul. “Now this is off-topic, but have any of you seen Indecent Proposal?” WTF????

Here’s the image I will leave you with:

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Next week: guest editor on Who What Wear and tells a model “give me Solange in an elevator,” which causes the model to do a high-flying kick. Then she steals an assistant and spills food all over what looks like younger Voltaggio’s kitchen grill.

All screencaps by me.


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