Smart ladies love dumb TV, Candidly Nicole recap, How to Online Date


In hopes to recapture the magic of my Chasing the Saturdays/The Wanted Life recaps, I am going to cover Nicole Richie’s new “reality” show, Candidly Nicole, every Monday.

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The show is based on her Twitter; in fact, her tweets act as title cards in between scenes.

To start us off, here are some Nicole Richie FUN FACTS:

  • Is married to Good Charlotte’s (are they still a band? I don’t feel like looking) Joel Madden. They have two kids, Harlow and Sparrow.
  • Has a shockingly affordable and non-shitty fashion line, House of Harlow 1960, which has a number of great jewelry pieces I covet.
  • Is quite familiar to the reality show world, after having starred in The Simple Life from 2003-2007 with her then-BFF Paris Hilton, as well as NBC’s The Fashion Star, which was a poor Project Runway ripoff.
  • Candidly Nicole is based on a web series of the same name (well, there’s actually a hashtag in front of Candidly).
  • Has said, “There’s reality, and there’s scripted, and then there’s this gray in between, and there’s a lot of shows that are in that gray area. This show is kind of one of them.” She does not put her kids on Instagram and they won’t be on this show either. Take that, mommybloggers!

Candidly Nicole is being marketed as a “scripted reality show.” The contradictions of these words together really weirds me out, but I did enjoy The Hills, and this show is much, much funnier. The writing is great and Nicole is cute and charming, even when she is being an asshole for “reality’s” sake.

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The intro, our heroine filmed in front of a white screen, shows Nicole talking freely to the viewers. She admits she never online dated, as she  met her husband “the old fashioned way,” at a club. But she was going to help her childhood friend Erin date online.

I liked Nicole before but here she reminds me of modern funny ladies like Rashida Jones, and I immediately take to her. I worry that I will not be able to make fun of her.

We cut to her work space, a cute, cottage-y carriage house that is nicer than my house. I hate my house now.

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Erin is, of course, completely gorgeous and acts clueless about online dating.

Erin thinks its desperate to set up an online profile and suggests putting herself in the 18-31 age range but Nicole thinks she could only pass for 31 and older. She suggests putting 32, so Erin can say she looks good for  her age.

For race, Nicole calls her friend “white as a toilet.” I see where this is going now. Nicole puts lots of insane things in Erins’ profile, including that Erin does drugs, even though she doesn’t. Nicole says Erin seems “very pills.” She also lists the  “Sandra Bullock football movie” as Erin’s favorite thing.

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Nicole takes a bunch of truly bizarre photos of Erin while wearing a white turtleneck and printed pants, two things I had no use for yesterday but I suddenly need.

Erin says, “I kind of like this version of myself.” You mean this crazy, Blind Side-loving, pill-popping version of yourself? Awesome.

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We then see Nicole driving to lunch with Erin and Ben Lyons from E!, who I recognize immediately as that douche who sometimes hangs out with Giuliana.

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Nicole is freaking out at the thought of parallel parking, much like I did when I was 16. She ends up a foot from sidewalk. I can understand how this happens, though, when I was in LA with our super cool rented Town and Country van, we never had to parallel park it because there is valet everywhere.

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Nicole is excited to tell her friends what she’s been doing for Erin at Acabar (sample drink: Tropical fizz, made with vodka, lime, pineapple, orgeat; $14). They are all sitting on a cozy couch, facing the camera.

“She’s killing it because I’m doing it for her. I’m just doing the dirty work. This one guy is really into me.”

“You mean Erin.”

This cut out and mesh trend has gone way too far.

This cut out and mesh trend has gone way too far.

Nicole tells her friends how she pretended to Joel that she watched The Wire. “It’s like the worst show ever.” I don’t know if I agree with this, but I HAVE been stalled at three episodes for the past year.

Ohhhhh Richhhh...

Ohhhhh Richhhh…

“What if you fall in love with him?”

“You don’t know Rich like I do guys.”

Where the fuck are you, Rich??

Where the fuck are you, Rich??

“Where is the gun emoji? How about a bomb emoji?”

“Cheers to my new boyfriend!”

“You mean Erin’s boyfriend.”

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To avoid parallel parking, Nicole takes Uber X and rides with someone. She tells the driver about how she is helping Erin with online dating, and offers to help the driver date. Then she recites a laundry list of errands she needs the Uber driver to take her to: “We’re going to the doctor but first we have to go to this vintage store then I have community service.”

If a stranger put their foot on my dashboard I would FREAK OUT.

If a stranger put their foot on my dashboard I would FREAK OUT.

She is SO GOOD at being fake bitchy to the Uber driver. “Can you just drop me off at my dad’s?”

Hello, to you too Lionel. Is it me you're looking for? I FUCKING HOPE SO.

Hello, to you too Lionel. Is it me you’re looking for? I FUCKING HOPE SO.

Lionel does not understand why she called Uber so he volunteers to help her parallel park.

I want this so bad.

I want this so bad.

He suggests Nicole practice parking between a trash can and a cardboard cut out of Lionel Richie.

Nicole gets anxious and says, “I’m getting a lot of different directions.”

She did it successfully and says “I was really good at this. You would never know I had two DUIs.” I like that she acknowledges and makes fun of her past.

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Talking to Erin about her online boyfriend. “I told him you would give him a Cleveland Steamer.” [Warning: language in link NSFW] Nicole wants Erin to commit to hooking up with him. “He’s really into me…I mean, into you.”

Erin basically says that she can’t go on the date, as she has five episodes of The Good Wife to watch. That’s my girl!

Parallel parking on Sunset WOULD probably stress me out and I actually PP regularly.

Parallel parking on Sunset WOULD probably stress me out and I actually PP regularly.

Of COURSE she has to parallel park to go on the date. Rich meets Nicole and says, “Erin.” “My name is Nicole. Erin, my bestie, is shy and not good at that thing so I’m doing it for her.” Rich says, “You catfished me.”

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Rich is staring at her in a really uncomfortable way.

She orders red wine, because she’s “classy”

“Let’s talk about Erin.” Nicole breaks up with him and tells him he’s obsessed with her and they have to end it.

When she leaves, she whispers “I love you.” I giggle A LOT.

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At the end of the show, she interviews people on the street about online dating. One dude picks her up and other girls ask her if she’s married. I’m thinking about how I wish I was watching Billy on the Street or Inside Amy Schumer instead, but Nicole is pleasant enough.

The Meryl-Go-Round!

Join me next week, when Nicole appears to go grocery shopping with her sister!

All screencaps by me.

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