Smart ladies love dumb TV, Candidly Nicole recap, How to Say Yes

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After skipping the previous episode due to, well, seeing Robyn, this recap is posting late because I have a life, dammit, which includes reading this book and watching Recount with my husband.

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At the Mystic Journey Bookstore, Nicole’s friend Jamie (stylist) says, “Isn’t this the best store ever? Like you walk in and you’re like positive vibes.” Nicole responds, “It’s not the best, but yes.”

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Jamie tells Nicole she’s not being very fun and insists she buy her a crystal.

“I will buy you a gift, but not here.”

“At Barney’s?”

“I didn’t say Barney’s.”

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Jamie is having a Mexican-themed birthday party, which sounds kind of racist the way she says it and it will also include “Tostitos chips.” You know you want the blue ones from Trader Joe’s instead. “It’s gonna be crazy. Wanna help me plan it?” Nicole ignores her.

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Nicole’s agent Justin calls her and she rebuffs him from speaking in front of a large group of people. Jamie says that’s part of her job so she should do it.

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Jamie gets Witch Patti, who is probably my fourth favorite person to ever be on this show after Erin, Katherine, and Kelly Oxford, to give her a chakra reading:

Witch Patti, to Jamie: “You have a beautiful light about you.”

Nicole: “She has a fake tan.”

WP: “It looks like you’re getting ready for something really wonderful.”

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Nicole asks Witch Patti a series of insane questions, which is kind of her thing, and then Witch Patti says she’s an expert in ghost sex.

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Both via.

Both via.

“Do I have to open myself up to that?”

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Witch Patti takes down Nicole, which is funny to watch, and calls her “energetically heavy” and tells her she has some work to do. D’oh! Doesn’t Witch Patti know how kind and generous Nicole is?

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Witch Patti suggests to Nicole that she spend one week saying yes instead of no, and all the brilliant colors she sees in her will come out of the box. Okaayyyyyy Witch Patti. I’ll bet the first thing she says yes to will be helping Jamie plan her party!

I WAS RIGHT! Nicole agrees to go shopping with Jamie for her party.

Nicole interviews that she is not negative like Witch Patti said, and she’s ready to say yes to everything.

This did not come out well.

This did not come out well.

The women are at an outdoor market, and Nicole is wearing a child’s nightgown.

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A fan goes up to her and says, Are you Nicole Richie? The fan asks to take a selfie with her, then asks her an involved question about her boyfriend who may or may not be cheating on her. Nicole pretends to be interested but I’m sure she wishes she didn’t agree to Witch Patti’s terms. Nicole fan: your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.

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Nicole tells the woman to cheat on her boyfriend for revenge at an event, then “you come right home to his best friend and you pop that trunk.” The woman seems a bit in shock.

Then there is a GREAT little montage ofNicole is saying yes to a bunch of things, like…

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…buying Jamie all the pinatas at the market!

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…allowing a man to sell her all the oranges in southern California!

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…accepting a long phone call from Lionel Richie where she agrees to visit him!

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…tries on a scary plastic clown mask that I will have nightmares about!

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…donates to a gay rights organization!

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…receives a free hug on the street (did hugs ever cost money? I don’t know why people are so obsessed with calling them free)!

Kelly is more than a SAHM--she's a writer. Why doesn't this show want people to know Nicole's friends are famous?

Kelly is more than a SAHM–she’s a writer. Why doesn’t this show want people to know Nicole’s friends are famous?

Thank goodness someone decided to bring us MORE KELLY OXFORD. They are at Ashely Cummings’ Agni Yoga (aren’t you glad I look this shit up for you?). Nicole is stretching with Kelly and telling her about Witch Patti and her mission to say yes for a week.

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Kelly  says you shouldn’t argue with a wizard, but is also very comfortable with saying no. “Yoga might help a little bit.”

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In a class for two (I need to be rich, think of how fit I would be!), the yogi Tari asks if they have heard of “acro yoga,” which is acrobatics + yoga + Thai massage. I would definitely say no to this one but clearly Nicole can’t.

They grill Tari about the practice of acro yoga and sex, boners and queefs.

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He puts her into various poses while balancing on his legs. I note that 1) this is just as much a workout for Tari and 2) Nicole is tinyyyyyy and really good at yoga. She seems to be laugh-crying and her face is turning red. She says the practice was stressful and sexual. Kelly apologizes for taking her and then asks her if she wants to see Esther (NEW FRIEND???) do stand up later in the week. Nicole has to say yes but she doesn’t mean it. Who doesn’t like comedy??

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At Jamie’s birthday party at Lula, which has a cute website, the room is decorated surprisingly tastefully and there is tons of flowery oilcloth. I approve. At one table where all the young women are in all black, Nicole tells them they are very goth. Giggles. “It’s like your birthday/you’re going to cast a spell on people. It’s very Practical Magic.”

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Nicole, at the table with the three girls when Jamie leaves, is forced to do a toast. She can’t say no, even though she hates talking in front of people! But like, acting, and interviewing on camera is totally okay. At least she is facing her fears.

Have I missed the dark lipstick thing already? I want to get some for fall.

Have I missed the dark lipstick train already? I want to get some for fall.

“I have speaking anxiety.” Grabs a drink and gives a really shitty toast where she pretty much insults her friend, to stifled laughs in the crowd. “I love you and I love your accent. It’s a little like loud, New York Jew. And Jews are great and very rich nowadays AND Feliz Complianos! CHEERS!”

Ha...ha?

Ha…ha?

Don’t let Nicole give speeches that the writers of this show don’t create for her or isn’t from her Twitter.

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Goes to comedy club (West Side Comedy Theater) with Kelly. They’re talking about yoga, which was like DAYS AGO, and how they are sore from it still (ummm no).

I really want Kelly's top.

I really want Kelly’s top.

Kelly says, “What was that guy’s name?” and  Nicole responds,”I feel like his name is really Brian and he just really wanted a yoga name. Like, all right, my name is Nala and I am at peace.”

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So Little Esther is not Nicole’s friend, but Kelly’s. She is cute and funny for the two seconds of her eventual Last Comic Standing audition that we see and then she is asking Nicole to come on stage and do a little stand up.

Shirts that are four sizes too big are never going in my closet.

Shirts that are four sizes too big are never going in my closet.

She can’t say no, so she goes up there reluctantly, wearing a suuuuuuper billowing blouse that she has shametucked.

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“I’m Nicole, yep.” Then she steals Esther’s jokes, then says something racist, then says, “I have lots of anxiety, I might have diarrhea.”

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Kelly can’t stop laughing, in that same way I always laugh really hard when I see my friend Christina play music because I think she is the funniest person ever plus I am kind of an asshole.

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Nicole tells everyone about her “saying yes” week, and she finally gets some laughs when she mentions that “ghosts are having sex with us and we don’t even know it.” She gets kind of on a roll when she talks about ghost sex. “I say yes to everything except strangers and dick.”

Interviews that she never liked stand up comedy but feels that she’s “got something.” Kelly is proud of her for trying. Or something, my notes just stop there.

Via. KATHERINE'S BACK!!!!

Via. KATHERINE’S BACK!!!!

Next episode (finale? I will begin covering X Factor UK in two weeks when this ends): Nicole goes to a camp with our two favorite people, Katherine Power & bitchy Erin! They’re all hanging out together! I can’t wait!

All screencaps by me.

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