Smart ladies love dumb TV, Hemlock Grove recap, episodes 2-4


Previously on Hemlock Grove, shit got better (thank god since we have committed ourselves to watching this show).

Gone Sis

  • This episode starts at a “no-tell” motel somewhere in Western PA where Roman Godfrey takes a hooker. He loses his concentration because he wants to eat her blood (on this show the Upir’s always seem more like they are eating people and less like they are drinking from people). [Since this is the only supernatural show I watch, I find this statement particularly hilarious. Don’t they eat people?? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. -M] When he pushes her away she calls her pimp/proprietary of the motel who Roman basically mauls. I REALLY HATE Bill Skarsgård’s short page-boy haircut it makes him look like a really large child and NOT attractive.

  • We also meet the new blonde in the boys’ life Miranda who likes to drive around listening to loud electro-pop that I am unsure if I enjoy. [I did not recognize Tricia from OITNB without her cornrows. Thanks Google! -M] She is almost run off the road and to calm down she turns on classical music and then the truck hits her for real near Roman’s ultra modern house. Roman helps her out because despite the terrible family and his violent self-hatred he is kind of descent human being, though terribly weird.
  • Olivia gardening at Hemlock Acres rehabilitation cottages greenhouse is always a visual treat. In this episode a bird flies into the window and dies which makes her kind of sad. OLIVIA HAS FEELINGS.
  • Andreas, Destiny’s bearded funeral fuckbuddy comes to stay with her and Peter –YAY I like him. [MORE ANDREAS!  He tells Peter “life is too short for jobs” and I swoon, because, CORRECT. -M]

  • Lynda is being fucked over in prison and has her visitation suspended.
  • Johann and Olivia talk about Roman. Johann’s cut-downs of Olivia’s terrible parenting are hilarious. Johann is truly the best actor on this show when it comes to camp.
  • Peter meets Miranda at the car shop. She can’t afford the repairs for her car. Peter decides to help her out by finding used parts. I hope the boys don’t fight over this blond. I am NOT in the mood for Letha 2.0.
  • Roman buys a horse. The cinematography on this show has really improved.
  • OLIVIA WEARS RED! [We could probably get all TLo and write pages about what the costumes mean ala their Mad Men recap but I have a fucking job. -M] She is terrible to Roman’s male assistant. I guess Olivia is wearing red to get Roman to be nice to Johann and to let Johann help him eat. [“Why is this liver cooked?? I’ll eat it anyway.” Hahah oh Roman. -M]  Olivia tells him that he needs to talk to her before his hunger gets out of control and he fucks everything up for everyone.

  • Johann has a Russian communist doctor working for him with an hilariously long name which Johann and Olivia always say with such relish and pizzazz. I will call her Dr. Pink-o going forward as it is shorter than her actual name which I cannot find written down.
  • Norman and his bland wife Marie, discuss the fact that she is suing the White Tower over Letha’s death. Norman is not sweaty but his eyes are very glassy. Dougray Scott looks like he hates everything.
  • Roman takes Miranda home and “home” is with Roman. Peter looks so sad that he can’t go in with her and pal around with his old BFF Roman. Peter warns her to watch her self and she makes a joke about Roman eating her (it’s so on the nose but it did make me laugh). Miranda is almost exactly like Letha only she has a nose ring and tattoos, wants to be a writer, and likes art. I seriously don’t remember any of Letha’s interests other than fucking Peter.
  • Roman goes to see the baby who is crying and won’t eat. The nanny tells him that he was the same way, unhappy and always alone. Man it’s no wonder Roman is completely fucked up, watched his dad shoot himself, mother tried to kill his sister, father had her brought back to life by Johann, and inherited shitty DNA from his fucked up mother.
  • After Peter has another nightmare he and Destiny perform some magic to figure out what is going on in his dreams. She nearly dies by choking on a black liquid. Be careful Destiny, you’re like the only person on this show with a vagina I actually like and respect.

  • Roman and Letha 2.0 eat dinner and discuss their dead dads. Roman shows her his new horse. She rightly points out that Roman is a Byronic hero (she might be smarter than Letha, I mean Letha thought she was impregnated by an angel). Roman kisses her neck and she quite smartly tells him she should go to bed. [I find it weird that Roman doesn’t know who Lord Byron is. He seems like a kid who would be OBSESSED with Byron. -M]
  • Norman goes to visit Johann to discuss Letha’s death and the lawsuit.
  • Olivia drunk dials Norman.
  • After Destiny’s brush with death she tells Peter to ignore the dreams because something big and bad is going on. She gets really mad when Peter ignores her and draws the sign “Gone Sis” he saw in his dream. Andreas tells him its an old trailer park for horny truckers that’s really called Wagoner Oasis but the sign is busted.
  • Roman über creepily watches Miranda shower. ALSO the camera operator über creepily shows us her undressing and focuses on her tattoos (SO different from Letha). [Miranda has a personality, though, and I am SO EXCITED about that. -M]
  • A homeless dude is killed by the weird masked men in the woods. [One of whom has curly hair! Please not Andreas!! -M]
  • Peter goes to Wagoner Oasis alone because he has learned NOTHING and Roman eats his horse because he is weird and rich.

Luna Rea

  • Christina bursts out of her grave and immediately turns into the white wolf (I’m guessing so that we didn’t have to suffer anymore of that girls terrible acting). The wolf chases down Shelly. GLOWWORM I HAVE MISSED YOU!
  • Peter is wandering about Wagoner Oasis because he is reckless and kind of stupid. The boys need each other and possibly Miranda who might be smart (probably not) so as to not get themselves in trouble and/or killed. Anywho, Peter is halted by a woman with a shotgun and her little girl. He also runs into Roman who had the same nightmare. They fight and Roman petulantly drives off. [Their fight is adorable. -M]


  • The white wolf catches Shelley, who is able to subdue and FINALLY kill her by cutting off her head with a rock. Oh Shelley you poor girl. Go find Johann and Norman. [I LOVED how the writers dealt with that dumb scream from the end of season 1. It’s all over with, we have moved on. THANK GOD. Also, no Shelley + Norman communication makes me sad. -M]
  • On his way to work Peter discovers that the woman and her little girl are dead. It is made to look like a murder suicide. Peter goes home to drink and he is kind of an asshole. Destiny is worried he will turn into an even bigger asshole AKA a vargulf because he turned on the wrong moon. [Katie totally predicted this in our liveblog of episode one! -M]
  • Olivia gets pissed at Norman for meeting Marie outside of her cottage AND HUGGING! HOW DARE HE! [I was happy that they were getting along. -M]
  • Norman goes and visit’s Roman to beg him to be nice to Olivia.
  • At some point, according to my notes, Andreas says “YOLO” because that is exactly the sort of thing he would say as he thinks he’s really cool. He reminds me of Rafi on The League. -M
  • Miranda is very intrigued about the baby bunker. She also does not trust the creepy servants. She is happy to get a call from Peter. She goes with Peter to go check out the parts he found for her car to get out of the house. Miranda asks him if he and Roman dated each other.

  • Roman eats rare steak and bone marrow while watching open heart surgery on a giant screen in his conference room. [EWWWW. -M] He goes down and tries to get into Johann’s lab but he can’t find the secret entrance. [His assistant is reading Story of O, which is like the Fifty Shades of Grey of the 50s. -M]
  • Michael is back and he is NOT interested in the bullshit being fed to him by The Order of the Dragon on Roman killing his sister. I think I like Michael because he might be the only other person apart from Destiny with common sense.
  • Shelley hides in an abandoned house and meets the little boy next door who becomes her friend.
  • The dudes Peter grifted in episode 1 take the drugs to their boss who is none-to-pleased that the shit is fake. They are funny comic relief but I do not want to spend more time with them than necessary. [These dudes are soooo Badger and Skinny Pete from Breaking Bad. At least the writers watch good shit. -M]
  • Marie goes to bury the hatchet with Olivia and ends up dead. [Just as I was getting to like her, of course! -M]
  • The Order tries to get Johann to kill Roman. He tasks Dr. Pink-o to create something she thinks is insane and beneath her.
  • Miranda and Peter fuck. Then Miranda cries afterwards! Good for Peter for getting over Letha and moving on to Letha 2.0.
  • We see that the masked bastards are targeting a mother and son.
  • Michael is the new Sheriff. [I hope he has a law enforcement background and didn’t steal this job from a more qualified candidate who is not hell bent on revenge. -M] The cops are funny. The humor has really been increased for season 2 and I enjoy it.


  • The boys have the same nightmare again. Roman goes into the baby bunker to stare at his cute baby when she suddenly shuts up and points to the door. Peter is there to discuss dreams and getting the crime-fighting gang back together.  Peter apologizes to Roman and it’s very sweet. Roman thaws slightly and tells him what he can remember from his dream and wishes him good luck. I need these two to be friends again because it’s just dragging down the pace of this show (which is so fucking slow to begin with).
  • Shelley and her new friend name her scabby and dead fingers –it’s sweeter than it sounds. [This made me cry. I don’t know if I’m ready for a touching story especially if the kid ends up dead. -M]
  • Norman and Olivia have sex while Marie is dead in a bathtub upstairs. Norman talks incessantly and we kind of get the feeling Olivia is not as in to this as she used to be.

Bodily Fluids

  • A couple of kids find Christina’s dead body in the woods. The two cops have a lovely conversation about fucking (one is trying to get his wife pregnant and the other one advises  “the next time you throw a hump in the misses let it soak”  this is both hilarious and horrifying).
  • Norman attacks Johann because Marie is missing.
  • Roman is still trying to find out what Johann is hiding in the basement. He demands his assistant to find him the blueprints of the building. Roman questions Miranda for staying out all night. Roman has a hard time not eating her. OH ROMAN!
  • Norman goes and tells Roman that they think Shelley disrupted Christina’s grave. He also tells Roman that he hired an investigator to look for Shelley.
  • Peter calls airline companies to find the plane with the banner that Roman remembered from his dream. He is interrupted by the two dudes he grifted. They try to beat him up but he almost changes into a wolf and becomes super strong and angry. Destiny is NOT going to be okay with this. Don’t turn into a Vargulf, Peter that ended so badly for Christina.
  • Back at Roman’s laundromat house Miranda is doing her laundry (why does he have three washers and three driers?) when she spies a baby blanket in one of the driers her curiosity is piqued regarding the baby bunker.
  • Roman basically attacks his assistant because of his hunger though he doesn’t eat him he just swears at him and throws shit it’s more like a temper tantrum than an assaults. Oh Roman just ask Johann what he gives your mother to eat–PLEASE.


  • Michael goes and questions Olivia about Marie. Olivia’s cape in this scene is divine.
  • HR sends Roman home for creating a hostile work environment. [HR, my heroes! Signed, an HR person. -M] After nearly eating her he leaves and then almost eats a homeless dude. ROMAN seriously get help.
  • Peter finally gets a lead for the plane and goes racing off to save the Mother and her son. He is able to save the boy but scares the mother into leaving the area.
  • Michael questions Norman about Marie’s disappearance. Norman is NOT sweaty. Michael pique’s Normans curiosity about Olivia by telling him that Olivia was the last to see Marie alive.
  • Miranda is visited by a person trying to get signatures for a petition and the woman notices that Miranda is lactating. She is rightfully freaked out. Peter calls her to tell her that there night together was nice but she blows him off because SHE IS LACTATING! [What the ever living fuck??? -M]
  • Peter is pulled over and placed in custody for scaring the woman in GREENSBURG (which is an actual city in Western PA, I love it when people do actual area research).
  • The grifted dudes get castrated by their boss–it is a waste of my fucking time and not funny. MIRANDA IS LACTATING this is the only thing right now on this show that I care about.
  • Norman sends Shelley a heartfelt email. He tells her they are hunting her and that he can protect her. Shelley continues to bond with her friend in the basement. He is apparently from an abusive home. OH SHELLEY.
  • Norman questions Olivia about Marie. AGAIN MIRANDA IS SPONTANEOUSLY LACTATING can we get back to that.
  • Finally we get back to Miranda who removes her nipple rings, I guess in a hopes to stop lactating. It does not work. After freaking out and changing her shirt she tries to leave but instead is pulled toward the baby bunker. You know because the creepy cute baby who won’t eat is in there. The baby stops crying and smiles at her when she enters the room. I get that the kid should be creepy but it’s a really cute baby.
  • Norman calls his investigator to not only find Shelley, but also Marie.
  • Roman mauls the homeless dude from earlier in the episode but he does offer to help the dudes daughter in Philly before the mauling –what a guy.
  • Peter has another nightmare in jail and tries to warn anyone who will listen.
  • Roman goes home basically a bloody mess and finds Miranda nursing his kid –AWKWARD.
  • I can’t believe we are over a third of the way done and our dynamic duo are still not running around solving crimes TOGETHER. Come on boys work out your shit this show is sad without you together making homoerotic small talk.
  • I did not watch this episode, as I completely forgot about it due to the Home Run Derby. I hope to watch and add my notes later. See you next week for episodes 5-7! -M

Gifs from gethinmypantsromangodfreysmrgolightlynatalyedormerfckyeahromangodfreygodfreygifsromangodfeysokunita, and sikanapanele.


  1. I googled “Olivia’s cape from Hemlock Grove” and found your blog. I love it – you are hilarious! Now, we need to work together to find out where we can get her cape! (Not that I could afford it).

    • She is so impeccably dressed! It is one of the things that made me keep watching the show (thank goodness I did, season 2 is so good). Thanks for reading! xoxoM

  2. Pingback: Smart ladies love dumb TV, Hemlock Grove season 2 premiere, Blood Pressure, LIVE | smart ladies love stuff

  3. Pingback: Smart ladies love dumb TV, Hemlock Grove recap, episodes 5-7 | smart ladies love stuff

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