Smart ladies love dumb TV, Hemlock Grove recap, episodes 5-7


Previously on Hemlock Grove, the boys met another blonde to fight over and then she started lactating (GROSS), Destiny got a boyfriend (you go Destiny!), and Johann gave  Olivia medicine that made her kind of nice (though she killed Marie so not TOO nice).

Hemlock Diego’s Policy Player’s Dream Book

  • Instead of acting confused and/or freaked out (as a normal person would) by the stranger nursing his baby, Roman instead eats raw sausage and then envisions attacking Miranda while she rambles on about the weirdness of lactating and having a mysterious baby in a bunker. Roman pauses the conversation to call Johann. He then lies to Miranda about the baby and is dismissive of her freaking out about lactating. He sends her to the old family doctor Arnold Spivack. If I were Miranda I would leave town, car or no car. [I want to hear more about Aunt Margo and her death gene. -M]


  • To answer Melissa’s question from the last post about vampires eating, in other shows like True Blood the vampires suck the blood out and its way less gory as opposed to Hemlock Grove where Roman and Olivia look like they are mauling/eating people plus they like the meat as well as the blood. This might be because they don’t have fangs? In Byzantium the vampires are also fangless and can go out during the day but their thumbnails are sharp and pointed which they insert in their victims arteries and then suck out the blood. [Thank you! I feel like none of this is very clear, but I do not watch a lot of vampire shows. -M]
  • Peter tells Michael about his dreams. Michael is dismissive of Peter but lets him leave the police station. I like Michael’s no-nonsense approach to the bullshit in Hemlock Grove. [Favorite part: when Peter talks about his dream being “like that Nirvana album cover”! -M]
  • Olivia shaves her legs and then meets with Johann who tells her that Roman wants to meet with him. The best part of Olivia/Johann scenes are the ways Johann cut’s her down.
  • Shelley’s friend Jason brings over his parents BlackBerry to play games with her but she instead reads her emails and sends one to Norman.


  • Destiny and Peter get bad news from Lynda’s lawyer who tells him Lynda is most likely going away for ten years. They go see Lynda and lie about her chances, she surprises them with the news she is being transferred. [Was Lili Taylor busy filming Almost Human? I miss her and Olivia together this season. -M]
  • Johann invites Roman into his private lab. Roman briefly meets Priscilla AKA Ouroboros AND then Johann gives him a cocktail of Upir food (blood and body parts slime). Roman kind of goes crazy like a little who just received a bucket full of candy. Also like a kid who ate too much candy Roman throws it all up. [I swore the song during this scene was Black Angels but it’s something called Tight Phantomz which is a terrible band name. -M]
  • Miranda goes to the doctor and he is quite the chatty general practitioner. He tells her she should never go to Norway as Norwegians are assholes (LIES). He also tells her she shouldn’t be worried about the lactation as spontaneous lactation is rare but not out of the ordinary (I need to go hide from ALL infants).
  • Johann and Olivia talk about Roman and how he is a willful child who just can’t stop the hunger. He also informs her that she is aging. Olivia is SHOCKED when Johann tells her she has a normal human lifespan. Johann and I both miss heartless Olivia. Human Olivia is kind of boring.
  • Norman the worst psychologist EVER ignores a rambling patient to read an email from Shelley –he get’s points for being a good uncle.
  • Destiny concocts a psychotropic spray and springs Lynda from jail. [There are also more good Andreas lines. I urge you to watch this show just for him. -M]
  • Because Olivia is now basically a human so she goes to a bar and does karaoke–this is funny, but it doesn’t make her anymore fun. [It was bizarre how when she got up to sing, the director showed all the women in the bar with strangely blank looks on their faces. The song, by the way, was Roky Erikson’s “Creature with the Atom Brain.” -M]


  • Norman’s lady investigator investigated Michael and she is very curious about Olivia.
  • Miranda who is still lactating and still rightly on edge because of it thinks about moving out of Roman’s house but instead goes and feeds the baby–Miranda, get the fuck out of that house and away from that baby. Roman comes home and gets pissed off when Miranda mentions that she told Spivack about the baby. Roman tells Miranda about his abusive mother. Miranda gives him a parenting pep-talk and then they fuck. It’s a weird sex scene because both actors look more sad than aroused. [I am so glad that Roman finally got some. That was not with his cousin and orchestrated by his crazy mother. -M]


  • Lynda is freaked out about going to Romania. She tells Peter he needs to stay in Hemlock Grove because the people there need him. I hope she means Roman because I think Roman really needs a friend.
  • The single mother and her son are murdered in Canada by the masked dudes. [I really thought Canada could protect them. Sigh. -M]
  • Shelley’s abandoned house is searched by cops. She manages to hide but she is freaked out enough to send Norman another email this time telling him to come get her.
  • Johann and Dr. Pinko have a fight. Johann and Dr. Pinko need to start a band. [They can do all Roky songs. I would be so into that. -M]
  • Michael informs Peter about the deaths in Toronto.
  • Roman nearly eats Miranda so he breaks into Johann’s apartment in the White Tower and begs him to save him. Johann sleeps in a sparkly mask AND boring blue pajamas–Johann is the best ever!


Such Dire Stuff

  • Roman is having an intensely invasive and rather frightening procedure done by Johann. Dr. Pinko tries to help-out but Johann tells her to get the fuck out. HE GETS NEEDLES IN HIS EYES!!!! Johann is the best mad scientist in the history of mad scientists. [I think after one procedure I would quit. There’s so many spinning metal things! -M]


  • Michael goes to Peter and Destiny’s to ask him questions about Lynda’s escape.
  • Olivia has her own piano player. Dr. Pinko comes over to drink vodka and talk about Johann’s experiments on Roman. Dr. Pinko offers to help Olivia with Roman for a favor later on. She thinks Johann underestimates her, I think she greatly underestimates Johann. After Dr.Pinko leaves Olivia (in a fantastic grey cape/poncho) drives a golf cart to go find Johann. The lady investigator (I have no idea what her name is and I have watched this twice) breaks in to the cottage and steals Olivia’s finger prints. Olivia is very angry at Johann for getting rid of Roman’s upirism (“an upirectomy if you will” –OH JOHANN). Johann reminds Olivia she has a granddaughter who is her future NOT Roman.  She then goes to Roman’s and they get into a fight. He calls his mother a parasite. On her way out the nanny tells Olivia about Miranda.



I totally wrote this quote down! Loved it. -M

  • Another little boy is being stalked but a freak in a white mask.
  • Dr. Pinko and Johann get into another fight.
  • Andreas and Destiny throw a party! Andreas gossips about the party guests to Peter (Andreas is a doll). Miranda shows up at  the party. Destiny does not trust that bitch. Peter and Miranda arm wrestle a really big dude.  [I loved the party! It was such an interesting glimpse into Peter’s gypsy people. Plus, it was full of Andreas! -M]
  • Jason steals his parents phone and food and goes over to hangout with Shelley. Shelly has Jason read her children’s books while she waits for Norman (it’s very late). Norman pulls up to the abandoned house in a white rapist van.
  • Miranda tells Peter that her parents threw her out at 16 and that she did weird things to get by like sell her blood (I have known so many people who sell their blood that I don’t think it’s that weird). She and Peter get stoned and fuck.
  • Back in the abandoned house, Shelley sends a sleepy Jason home. They hug goodbye. Just as she is walking off to get in Norman’s van she hears Jason being attacked by his father. Shelley of course goes in to save him. She gets a cleaver in the back and Jason’s family end up dead. Norman saves Shelley and a neighbor finds Jason.
  • Norman takes her to Johann. I do love Johann’s devotion to Shelley. Shelley learned to speak during the fight. [I am SO GLAD Shelley can talk. Between this and Olivia’s accent they really fixed two of the things that annoyed me the most about season 1. -M]


  • Destiny accuses Miranda of hustling both Roman and Peter. She tells her to fucking leave both men alone. When Peter wakes up he gets pissed at Destiny for sending Miranda away. [This is such a great scene. Miranda looks angry and confused, but she never leaves, like she is accepting Destiny’s truth. -M]
  • Miranda goes home and tells Roman she slept with Peter. Roman looks sad but he is more concerned with the thick yellow puss running out of his ear. Miranda goes to the babies room, when she notices that the nanny is fucking the butler, she takes the kid to the park . Olivia is secretly watching. Peter comes over and attacks Roman. The boys fight but then stop when they realize it’s stupid. Miranda comes in with the baby who she has named Nadia. Peter finally gets to meet and hold Letha’s baby. The boys become friends again–FINALLY, as we only have four episodes left.


  • The white masked dudes are crazy religious weirdos.
  • Miranda recites poetry to the boys then takes them both to bed–FINALLY THREESOME! [The poetry threw me off. Who knew she was such a grownup? -M]

Lost Generation

  •  Nothing says morning after a threesome like everyone having the same creepy dream of dudes in white masks killing a family–FUN! [These nightmares are much scarier than the ones in season 1, where we all knew there was some kind of beast–the vargulf–at work. The masked men are frightening because we don’t know who they work for or what their motives are. -M]


  • The boys make awkward small talk while trying to make fancy coffee in a Nespresso machine. [I am glad Peter has a problem using these things too. French press forever! -M] Then Miranda comes down and tells them about her creepy  dream which freaks them both out. She thinks they are weird because of the threesome NOT that they are all sharing dreams. The boys hide out with the baby and discuss cluing Miranda in on the dream thing. Roman wants to tell her BUT Peter is against it.

hemlockgrove_ep207_romanpeter_1 hemlockgrove_ep207_romanpeter_2

  • Peter goes and tells Michael about the dream and sends him to Ohio VIA internet research. He also tells him that Roman and he had the same dreams. Peter wants to go with him but Michael tells him NO. [Michael has not been the foe I expected him to be. Maybe he will once he realizes who Peter and Roman are. -M]
  • Roman and Olivia are summoned to the White Tower by Norman. They are reunited with Shelley. Roman is joyful; Olivia is a giant asshole (but she tries to be motherly). Olivia’s floor-length wool coat is the worst. Roman hearing Shelley talk for the first time is actually moving (even Olivia cries). [I cried too when Roman was talking to Shelley. Please don’t tell anyone. SECRETS. -M]


  • Destiny yells at Peter for sleeping with Miranda again because she is also sleeping with Roman. Peter tells her that they are ALL COOL with each other.
  • Johann throws Roman and Olivia out for being jerks in front of Shelley.
  • The lady investigator tells Norman that Olivia’s prints were found at homicide in 1965.
  • Michael goes to Roman’s and asks him about the dream AND about the family that was possibly attacked by Shelley.
  • Johann introduces Priscilla to Shelley. Priscilla is to be Shelley’s new body. Johann can map Shelley’s nuero-network to Priscilla.
  • Destiny goes and tells Miranda to leave Hemlock Grove. When Miranda pushes her away Destiny and Miranda have a vision of snakes and blood. Destiny tells her she needs to leave as Miranda is basically a harbinger of fucking doom.
  • Shelley realizes that Priscilla might have a soul and that she would rather NOT take it from her just to be pretty.
  • Roman and Olivia get into another fight at the White Tower and Olivia tells him that Norman is his father NOT JR. Poor Roman realizes his mother made him rape his sister. Olivia is a true piece of fucking work.
Not from this episode but everyone needs a little Andreas' in their life :)

Not from this episode but everyone needs a little Andreas in their lives 🙂

  • The guys with the white masks put bees in the house of the family they want to kill.
  • Michael goes to the house in Ohio but it’s abandoned. He calls Peter and accuses him of getting him out-of-town.
  • The daughter of the slaughtered couple from 1965 identifies Olivia as the woman who killed her parents by wiping her own shit on the wall–this show sometimes goes so low. Leticia (that’s the lady investigators name) tells Norman that she has to turn over the  evidence. [Hemlock Grove, where even the elder care nurses are hilarious and fucking over everything. -M]
  • Johann talks Shelley into taking Priscilla’s body by faking a test to prove that Priscilla has no brain function.
  • Peter tries to stealthily get Miranda to tell him her details from their shared dream. Roman comes in from his treatments very worse for wear but he and Peter do figure out that the family is in Hemlock Grove and where to find them. They go off to save the day but not before badly lying to Miranda who finds Roman’s iPad with the location on it.
  • Dr. Pinko tells Olivia she will kill Roman for her so that she can have her granddaughter. [I don’t trust this woman AT ALL. -M]
  • Norman and Leticia go to Michael with the information on Olivia. Michael tells them about Clementine’s work tracking the magical beings, specifically Upirs.
  • The boys drive up to the house. They manage to save the little boy, who is allergic to the bees. Peter goes after the men in white masks by turning into a wolf and Roman follows with a shovel. Miranda is not far behind and sees Roman and Peter as their true selves.


  • Norman goes over to Olivia’s, I guess to question her but instead just roughly fucks her.
  • Johann tells Priscilla that she is his pride and joy but he owes a debt to Shelley so he must say goodbye and wipes out her conscientiousness while reciting poetry. As with everything to do with Johann, Shelley and Priscilla its fantastic. [While I do not like that Johann is deceiving Shelley, I admire his desire to be a well known scientist. -M]


  • Miranda kidnaps Nadia and Norman steals Olivia’s DNA.


Gifsfrom godfreygifs, fckyeahromangodfreyhemlockgroveaddictdanielfaradiesbattleofdesiresgraphicmixsherryzizi,and hemlockgrcve.


  1. Pingback: Smart ladies love dumb TV, Hemlock Grove recap, episodes 2-4 | smart ladies love stuff

  2. I love your commentary! I read it after I watched every episode! Hope you guys do it again for the 3rd season!

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