Smart ladies love dumb TV, Hemlock Grove season 1 the complete recap

| 25 Comments

Hemlock Grove

Netflix original series Hemlock Grove is basically the spawn of True Blood and a really poor Dawson’s Creek remake on the CW.  All the kids look too old to be teenagers and everyone smokes to be edgy. After a grisly murder in a playground, the rich Roman Godfrey (an Upir but doesn’t know it) played by Bill Skarsgård (son of Stellan younger brother to Alexander and Gustaf who are all better actors but lets all hope Bill improves with age) enlists the help from the new kid Peter Rumancek played by Landon Liboiron (FROM CANADA and therefore was on Degrassi) who happens to be Gypsy Roma (using just enough Romani words to make it not offensive?) to find out who did it so that they aren’t blamed for the murder(s).

Peter blows into town with his mother Lynda, played by the awesome Lili Taylor ,who tells him to stay away from the Godfreys. Roman’s family consists of his mysterious sister Shelly who is also a giantess, his mother Olivia played by a hammed up Famke Janssen (she and Taylor are the only two people on this show who get the joke) who is most likely not to be trusted, his psychologist uncle Norman played by Dougray Scott (who looks like he wants to be in any other production than this) who had or is having an affair with Olivia, and his beloved cousin, Norman’s daughter Letha who will undoubtedly fall in love with Peter.

http://partinna.tumblr.com/post/49080108762/hemlock-grove

Jellyfish in the Sky (we liveblogged episode 1 way back in April of 2013)

The first episode is really slow and basically introduces viewers to the two families, the grizzly murder committed by a vicious animal or WEREWOLF that we are to be invested in, and the other weird mysterious shit going on with these characters (what is up with poor sad Shelly the gentlest of giants). [After watching 13 episodes of this shit and still not finding out what happened to Shelley (I speculate the scientist brought her back from the dead as a baby, but who knows), I am PISSED. -M] Apart from the two families, we meet a young high school girl Christina, obsessed with Peter, who stats that rumor he is a werewolf (rumor???), the town sheriff Tom, and the creepy Dr. Johan Pryce who works for the Godfreys and probably has been experimenting on Shelley. We end the first episode with both boys at the playground and Roman who is obsessed with blood asking Peter how it felt to kill. [Awwww the real romance of this show, Peter and Roman, begins. -M]

[Also, the main takeaway I had when I rewatched this episode was that even though the yellow tinting really bothered me, the set design on Hemlock Grove is OUTSTANDING. The Godfrey’s house is perfect, and in every episode there are bits here and there which remind me why I keep watching. Well done, production people! -M]

http://vuruncaherseycalisir.tumblr.com/

The Angel

The boys befriend each other by admitting that they did NOT kill the dead cheerleader, they are also harassed by some cops who Roman makes go away through mind control. Letha has a dream of an angel and finds out she is pregnant (impregnated by an angel–totally makes sense). Her father goes to Olivia to find out if she had anything to do with the pregnancy and ends up sleeping with her.  [Seriously, dude, YOU ARE MARRIED? I think Olivia has a magic vagina. Is it her upir power? -M] The kids all go to a fancy dress ball at the high school. We learn that Christina the NOVELIST has never heard of Dirty Dancing (she and the creepy twin girls are the worst). Roman lets a snake go in the school to ruin the party because he is an asshole (some girl calls him a sociopath). He gets upset when Letha tells him shes pregnant and then they nearly run over  a weird dude who is delusional and very scared of Roman.

The episode ends with Roman going over to the Rumancek’s to watch Peter change —Hemlock Grove, the bizarre retelling of the classic friendship of a boy and his dog or weird vampire and werewolf.  The best parts of the episode are Shelly’s email to Norman who I think might be her dad (maybe?), and Lynda accosting Olivia at the market (those two need to be in more scenes as they are the only ones having fun).

[My favorite part of the episode is that Letha is dressed as a flapper, and goes in Roman’s Jaguar coupe to the dance. I think the writers are trying to write Roman as a Gatsby type, but he doesn’t spend a lot of money. There’s no excess, except smoking and drinking. It’s all so horribly chaste. -M]

Roman on his mother. http://perfkid.tumblr.com/

Roman on his mother.

The Order of the Dragon

Christina finds half a dead girl in the woods. [She makes out with her because Christina is a moron. -M] We meet Dr. Clementine Chasseur, Catholic, lesbian, and a fish and wildlife agent (REALLY???) she also knows so much more than she is revealing (I kind of feel that about everyone on this show but Roman). Roman makes a kid who was bullying Shelly kiss his friend on the mouth nothing says fuck you to a bully then gay panic. The boys get stoned and fight. Letha calls herself a feminist for calling her unborn baby a she and I ferociously roll my eyes. In every scene with Norman, he is really sweaty and disheveled and nobody but me notices (Letha ask your dad why he is grossly sweaty). After their fight Roman goes to a bar and Peter goes to his cousin Destiny who is exploiting her culture as a fortune-teller/psychic/sex therapist/con artist. [Destiny fucking rules. -M] Peter tells Destiny that he and Roman have the same dreams, Destiny (and his mom) both condescendingly tell Peter that he has never had a friend before.

Olivia collects Roman from the bar before he is roughed up. Peter and Lynda are questioned by Dr. Chasseur and the Sheriff before they can leave town. After the encounter they realized they have to stay in town. Roman is nice to Shelly and when he touches her face her check she glows. Peter goes to Roman’s so that they can be friends again –AWW. The boys decide to find the vargulf AKA the beast who is killing girls to clear any suspicion of Peter. Norman is apparently sweaty because that crazy guy Roman nearly ran over is one of his patients and told him he saw that something terrible was growing inside his daughter.

http://hemlockgrovethings.tumblr.com/

The look of love.

In Poor Taste

Letha starts having sexy dreams about Peter (if I were to choose between the boys I would pick Peter as Roman is far too skinny). Norman lets Dr. Chasseur meet with the crazy guy who saw the vargulf. Norman is kind of less sweaty this episode (I wonder if it’s the make-up people or if Dougray Scott is sweating because he hates life). Olivia is going through withdrawal of whatever it is the Rumancek’s make for her. Lynda and Olivia run into each other at the general store and it’s awesome as Lynda knows Olivia needs more drugs but Olivia refuses to ask.

Creepy Doctor Pryce calls Shelly glowworm, he is also pretty pissed off when Olivia tells him to build an Obstetrics Wing at the White Tower (the creepy building the Godfrey’s corporation is headquartered and I guess they make drugs which is why Pryce is there with all his creepy experiments). They drug Christina because she is having anxiety and can’t sleep. If I liked her more I would feel bad that she has to hang out with those creepy twins of the Sheriff’s. Dr. Chasseur finds a hair sample in a large pile of shit and then convinces the Sheriff to dig up the body of dead girl (I’m not sure which), a body that Roman and Peter are also planning to dig up -SHENANIGANS! Peter  and Roman get their first and dig up the blond girl (second victim) then collect what looks to be her intestines to give to Destiny. When Chasseur and the Sheriff get there the poor guy falls into the hole right onto the dead girl–it is very gross. Norman and Shelley conversing through email and instant messaging continues to be a delight for its weirdness and sweetness.

[In ANOTHER F. Scott reference, Roman tells Shelley she deserves a “diamond as big as the ritz.” UGH PLEASE STOP. -M]

http://slayersexual.tumblr.com/

Hello, Handsome

Episode 5 starts with a commercial for the Godfrey Institute AKA the White Tower and all of the medical miracles they can perform. We get a flashback to Norman and his brother, they are bringing the coffin of a dead Shelley to Dr. Pryce who I guess saves her and that’s why she is a gentle giant. [See I totally got this right! -M] Letha tries to chat up Peter who grills her about Olivia. Roman spots them and look none to pleased about his cousin and BFF having a relationship. Dr. Chasseur visits creepy Dr. Pryce at the White Tower, apparently his first name is Johan which makes me love his camp as fuck performance all the more. I kind of wish this show was just the adults minus sweaty Dougray Scott, who clearly wants to be someplace else. Dr. Pryce apparently experiences hysterical strength, Dr. Chasseur tells him he is a suspect. Christina publicly tells Peter he “won’t get away with it” and then goes off to cry when she notices that some of her hair has turned white.

Peter and Roman take the dead blond girl’s innards to Destiny to perform magic on them. She eats them with some fancy tequila and then Peter is able to ask the dead girl questions. I have now decided that what I really want is a show that’s just the Romanceks, Olivia, and Johan (especially if he is dictating into his recorded parenthesis full-stop). Norman goes to Johan to demand what ouroboros is (a snake eating its tail). [This is referenced like a billion times in the show, and I think it’s the name of the production company too. What Hemlock Grove does poorly is beat you over the head with its references that it thinks are so smart. -M]

Norman is mad at Johan for bringing Shelley back from the dead and threatens to kill him if he is behind Letha’s angelic pregnancy. [I will say that I knew all along how Letha was impregnated, HG is terrible at keeping secrets. -M] Destiny warns Peter to be wary of Roman. Olivia is almost out of drugs. I hope this means more Lynda. Johan asks Shelley to stop telling Norman about Ouroboros. All the rich people go to a party at the White Tower. The entire episode we get a flashback to Dr. Chasseur killing a pregnant werewolf and is initiated into the Order of the Dragon. Roman fucks some wife of an investor and then cut’s his chest with a razor blade –FUN!!!

http://hemlockgrovethings.tumblr.com/

Get a room boys.

The Crucible

Olivia goes to an abandoned mill and throws up bloody goop. She also calls the sheriff and tells him someone has been trespassing. Also why does Olivia drive a Ford and not a Lincoln or a Chrysler? Why hasn’t she gone to Lynda for more drugs? Why is this show so weird? This episode has the best dialogue of the entire series in it:

Roman (in stilted English): Suck a bag of dicks. I never called us the Order of the Dragon. (long pause and then an old dude walks by with a walker) What’s up with this guy.

Peter: I don’t know. He’s old.

Roman: Gross.

Roman uses his powers of manipulation to get into the blonde victim’s house to look for CLUES. Roman steals a pair of the girl’s underwear. They find an invitation to the old mill. So yay everyone is going to be at the mill. This episode is full throttle homoerotic between Roman and Peter and it’s glorious. Poor Shelley the gentle giant scares little kids at the library. She and Olivia are there trying to find the recipe for the Romany drugs Olivia won’t ask Lynda for, she passes out –OLIVIA, for fucksake, go ask Lynda for the DRUGS! Peter blows off Roman for a date with Letha. I’m not sure who Roman will be more upset with Letha for stealing away Peter OR Peter stealing away Letha.

We find out from Letha that Olivia had another daughter before Roman who also died in infancy –Olivia did you kill your girl children? [There is something seriously fucked up going on here with Olivia and her daughters. -M] Norman goes to pick up Olivia and they have an awkward talk. Roman finds out about the date he is jealous but of whom we will never know. Christina goes on a date with a dude who looks like he could be her brother. The boys go to the mill to make-out look for clues. Christina makes out with the kid and then tries to scratch off his face. [This is truly one of the most hilarious scenes in the show. It’s so out of nowhere, I love it. -M] The boys find the other half of the blond dead girl. The cops come to the mill and arrest Peter who is stranded. He wanders around the creepy mill and finds a room with bloody angel art. I can not believe there are six more episodes of this season LEFT!

http://fuckyeahhemlockgrove.tumblr.com/post/58260789668

Measure of Disorder

Oh YAY we open another episode with a flashback this time to the funeral of Juliet (the first child of Olivia’s to die) and subsequent therapy season between Olivia and Norman –BORING. In the present, Olivia tells Roman she will cut him off without a cent because he is whining about getting thrown out of the mill but then she has more withdrawal systems. Dr. Chasseur is wondering around the mill and finds half the dead blonde girl, so she alerts the cops. Shelley takes the bus, Olivia is perplexed but Roman is impressed since public transportation is hard for him to understand. [I hate that Olivia doesn’t want Shelley to have those earrings. She clearly does not want any woman to get as much attention as she does. -M] We also find out that all of the money is Roman’s NOT Olivia’s.

Letha finds a letter Roman’s dad wrote to Norman saying he knew about the affair and that Olivia will destroy him but she doesn’t believe it. Olivia has some Oedipus issues with Roman. [No fucking shit. Bitch is crazy and I love it. -M] Peter tells Roman that they can’t be friends anymore. Roman is quite broken up about it and then tells him that if he fucks Letha he will kill him. Roman is so confused, as he loves blood, his cousin, Peter, his mother. Olivia FINALLY goes to Lynda for the drugs! While there, Olivia eats raw hamburger (yum?) AND agrees to pay Lynda 5 grand for a bottle of the good stuff –it looks like water. Lynda and Destiny celebrate with sparkling wine (I wish I had wine) I also wish this show was just them and Olivia. Letha rides the bus home with Peter because Roman told him not to. Peter is actually a good friend to Roman and doesn’t fuck his cousin even though she asked him nicely. Roman, BTW, tries to pull apart a steel chain, snorts coke and then cuts his face for some blood lipstick –I’m not even joking.

http://slayersexual.tumblr.com/

Every time I see this I giggle.

Dr. Chasseur goes to interview Roman who admits he dug up the dead girl AND that his sister is not the vargulf. The interview is interrupted by Olivia. Letha puts Peter’s hand on her boob and he resist no further, it’s unfortunate because Roman sees them through the window and is very sad –so sad, he goes over to a classmates house puts on a tiny robe because his cloths were wet, cries that he is an ugly person, and then rapes her to prove his point while telling her to call him ugly. On his way out he uses his Jedi mind trick to tell her he was never there and to dream of something nice.

Catabasis

Roman is emotionally distraught while driving because his cousin and BFF are fucking AND he just raped a girl so he is really pissed when a downed tree bars his way home. He then barges into the White Tower and demands Johan show him Ouroboros which he does but then drugs him. [I still don’t know what it actually is. -M] Johan tells Olivia that Roman is in a coma of his own making and that he should stay in the White Tower but Olivia takes him home. Lynda isn’t happy Peter is fucking Letha. Tom tells Dr. Chasseur to stick to Fish and Wildlife. Olivia puts Roman in Shelley’s bedroom and Shelley begs him not to leave her. In Roman’s coma dream, Shelley is young and beautiful. He also demands his cigarettes. This show makes me want to smoke incessantly.  [Me too. But think at how healthy our lungs are now! It doesn’t help though. -M] Dream Shelley warns Roman he has to destroy the dragon before it eats him alive. Dr. Chasseur breaks into the Rumancek trailer with her priest friend/boss.

Letha tries to dig up more shit on Roman’s parents from her mother who is like a complete nonentity on this show. [She might be my least favorite character, though I admire her love of wine. -M]  Roman tries to deal with his family bullshit in his coma dream. He apparently thinks he might be Norman’s son which makes his obsession with Letha even more weird and confusing for him. Peter thought he had something special with Roman because they shared each others dreams –poor sad Roman. To be honest I’m not sure what Roman’s dream means because for most of it I read my reader and looked up Claire Forlani’s career on IMDB. I think he tries to slay the dragon with a double-sided ax? [I know more from your recaps than I did from watching the episodes so your guess is as good as mine. -M] At one point the chick he raped fondles him and then turns into his mother –Roman has a lot of fucking issues. Peter goes over to the Godfrey’s with a statue of Ganesh (I think?) and has a nice conversation with Olivia. Roman does NOT wake up at the end. [Nor does he wake up in the next episode. SPOILER. -M]

http://slayersexual.tumblr.com/

If I were in a coma I would also demand cigarettes.

What Peter Can Live Without

Roman is STILL in a coma.  Letha and Peter can’t stop fucking each other. They then have a post-coital convo about poor comatose Roman but then they get bored with that and talk about fairies. Dr. Chasseur seems to be losing her shit. We check in on Christina who is in a mental hospital and whose hair is slowly turning all white. She gets a visit from the Sheriff’s creepy twins. While waiting for Roman to wake up Norman gives Olivia head (the things this show makes me have to type). Letha’s parents find out about Peter and they invite him to dinner.

Dr. Chasseur goes to Destiny to ask questions about Peter but Destiny reads her palms and then when what she sees is bad they end up getting sexy. [Katie, you should really put it in all caps: HOT LESBIAN SEX. And then she leaves Destiny money which feels a lot like prostitution. -M] Peter’s dinner with Letha’s parents is awkward. [Letha sucks at small talk. Letha: “Did you guys see the picture of the guy walking down the street with a leopard on his back” Norman: “No I did not.” Letha: “Yeah there was a naked guy walking down the street with a leopard on his back.” YOU ARE KILLING ME. For me to care about you, you need to show some semblance of a personality, which none of the women under 30 are. -M] After Norman and his wife get into a fight, Norman offers Peter hard liquor. Norman might be a terrible father, he is less sweaty.

Lynda stops by the Godfrey’s to give Olivia the drug. The two moms have a heart-to-heart about motherhood and their boys. Peter gets teased at school for being a werewolf and for being in love with Roman. He lets the bullies beat him up until Letha comes and saves him. Olivia drives both Peter and Letha to the Rumancek trailer and then settles up the drug business with Lynda by writing a check and smoking some pot. Olivia drops like a million puns that she knows Peter is a werewolf–it’s pretty awesome. Destiny sends Peter to go talk to Dr. Chasseur, who swiftly brandishes her gun and he asks her to protect Letha as it’s a full-moon. Christina and Norman have a very creepy heart-to-heart while walking around the asylum grounds. Dr. Chasseur kind of breaks up with God but does tell him/her she will kill Peter even thought she doesn’t think he killed the girls. Incidentally Roman is still in a coma BUT we don’t have to deal with any of his weird coma dreams. Peter tells Letha that he has to kill the Vargulf and then makes her cry when she doesn’t want him to go to jail or end up dead. Sometimes this show is very Dawson’s Creek. [When is Roman waking up? I can’t take it anymore! -M]

http://entwashian.tumblr.com/

What God Wants

Peter cries as she leaves but then Roman wakes up. [WHEW. -M] Roman is hilariously determined to kill the Vargulf with Peter even though he has been in a coma for two weeks.  I’m really impressed with Roman’s post coma determination. I also find it hilarious that he is in pjs and socks. They go to the auto-body shop to get Roman’s car but Peter won’t let him drive because of the coma and all. Dr. Chassuer calls her brother for help out of the order. [Look, I know it doesn’t seem like much but that guy shows up later and I think he might end up being important next season. Remember Michael! -M] Roman and Peter reconfirm their love friendship. Due to the full-moon the Sheriff enacts a curfew for minors and roadblocks. Norman points out to the Sheriff that this is collective hysteria BUT has him patrol the asylum more than usual. This episode is such a mid-season sit around and wait episode it makes me want to die BUT I bet it’s better than Tyrant which is what my DVR is currently taping. Peter admits to Roman that he loves Letha, Roman responds with the hilarious, “SHHIIIIIIT,” it’s even funnier with the Swedish accent.

http://peterrumancek.tumblr.com/

Roman leaves Peter to track the Vargulf and they almost look like they might make-out but they don’t –it would have livened up this snoozy episode. I should be happy we aren’t in Roman’s come dream. Dr. Chassuer takes down Peter with a tranque dart. Roman is very upset that she might hurt his dog –seriously, this is the story of a boy and his dog. He leaves but he tells her that if she hurts Peter he will kill her. Olivia is secretly watching the whole thing. Dr. Chassuer puts Peter in her cage and calls the Priest. He wants her to bring him the beast, not to kill it herself. Olivia stops Dr. Chassuer from killing Peter. Olivia taunts Dr. Chassuer just enough to cause Chassuer to draw her weapon and shoot. The Vargulf  is able to get into the sheriff’s home and kill the creepy twins. It’s kind of sad cause he was a widower but kind of not sad cause they were creepy. [And stupid. -M] A couple of kids find all of Chassuer’s stuff and truck out in the woods. [This scene was long and pointless. -M] I’m thinking that despite shooting at Olivia she didn’t HURT Olivia.

http://hemlockgrovethings.tumblr.com/

LOVE ME ROMAN I AM FUNNY!

The Price

Christina’s hair is completely fucking white and she is basically catatonic.  Johan finds Olivia at the mill and tells her that Dr. Chassuer has been taken care of. He is also wearing gloves up to his armpits –NEVER CHANGE JOHAN, YOU CREEPY MOTHER FUCKER. A bunch of Neanderthal townfolks break into the Rumancek trailer. Roman watches Peter change back into a human (it was beautiful) because Olivia brought him back to his house. Peter is concerned for his mother so Roman goes to check on her. She was hiding in a crawl space under the trailer. She tells Roman to take care of Peter and then gives him their cat. Letha and Peter are reunited at Godfrey Manor and it feels so good until a couple of police detectives come in and try to arrest him.

http://tell-me-another-horror-story.tumblr.com/

Oh Letha, how have you only now realized this?

Fortunately for everyone Roman comes in and sends them to West Virginia via his Jedi mind-tricks. Norman tells Olivia he will marry her after Letha gives birth –those two are all sex and marriage. Letha, the boys, and Peter’s cat meet Norman at the abandoned church on the asylum grounds he let’s the gang in and tells Peter he can stay as long as he likes –cozy. Roman tells Norman that there is a werewolf on the loose that is sick. Norman kind of laughs the whole thing off then takes Roman up to the hospital to get blankets and pillows for Peter. Roman is accosted by Christina who warns that Letha and the baby aren’t safe from the beast. For those who read the BATB recaps my patience for Christina is about the same as my patience for Mohinder/Gabe.

There was another murder NOT on the fullmoon AND Christina is missing. [Thank god, maybe someone killed her for being a pretentious twat about her writing for like two episodes. -M] Peter sends Roman to Destiny to find out how the vargulf changed on a bad moon. Destiny tells Roman that this is not his fight. She tells him that Peter has to fight the wolf as a wolf and in order to change on a bad/wrong moon Peter will have to give something up. The boys hold hands and preform some magic back at the church. It doesn’t work so Peter has to kill his cat. Roman is not OKAY with the killing of the cat and has to go outside to smoke –I feel like I might have to go outside to smoke too. Peter needs Roman to get him bacon grease and that the price to run on the wrong moon is his face. Roman makes a shitton of bacon and Olivia gives him a double-sided ax. The episode ends with Dr. Chassuer finding herself inside a duffel bag that’s been locked in a cage.

[The only notes I took on this episode are “nothing happens except Peter eats raw meat while standing up and it’s totally gross.” -M]

HemlockGrove_fuckingcat

Children of the Night

Dr. Chassuer tries to free herself from the cage but she is caught by Olivia. Olivia lets her escape from the cage only to flay her alive –how very Ramsey Bolton of her. OH NO the new dead girl is Jenny Fredericks, Shelley’s only friend. [Jenny is one of the only genuinely nice people on this show so of course she was not going to live. -M] Christina freaks out Letha by just appearing in her backyard. Roman goes to hangout with his boyfriend and bring him presents such as bacon grease and a double-sided ax –KINKY! Letha calls the boys over to her house because she is hanging out with Christina that fucking creep. The Sheriff is suffering from PTSD. [Did they previously mention bacon fat? Was this part of their plan? I wish we had more insight, most of the time it was like, “Let’s get that fucking vargulf!” -M]

Olivia summons Johan to the mill to deal with Dr. Chassuer, he is sad because he liked her. Johan apologizes to a barely alive Dr. Chassuer, asks her if she would like to pray, gently kisses her, and then suffocates her. Even though I knew it was going to happen I’m still sad because I liked Dr. Chassuer, she was smart and so pretty.

http://peterrumancek.tumblr.com/

Norman has a heart-to-heart with Shelley about pretty much everything AND he isn’t sweaty at all (must have bought a new deodorant OR recently showered). Shelley runs away when she hears about Jenny–poor gentle giant glowworm. The kids take Christina back to the chapel (her wig is TERRIBLE it looks like something you can buy from Party City). [I liked the grey streaks better, it almost made her look cool. -M] She creepily tells Peter she once kissed him when he was asleep AND that she researched how to turn herself into a werewolf. Peter and Roman are incredibly freaked out. Roman tries to take Letha home while Peter ties up Christina. Roman and I are both really grossed out when Christina talks about getting wet and cumming (I should not have typed that). Christina turns into a pretty white wolf. Peter slathers is face in bacon fat and feeds it to Christina (when Melissa watched this she kept sending me screenshots). After the wolf bit Peter’s face it proceeded to melt off. ALSO Roman cooked like five pounds of bacon and had a giant jar of grease but Peter used like a tablespoon of fat on his face.

Hemlock Grove Peter's face

I’M MELTING!!!

[My notes from this episode are “Christina finally reveals herself as the vargulf and some really gross shit happens.” Obviously this episode did not have a huge impact on me. Also, I have to say most of the time I do not know what is going on, because the action is so fast and I like to play Bejeweled when I’m watching TV. -M]

Birth

[This episode opens with one of the better scenes of the season, Christina is talking to Peter in his trailer. He calls her Hemingway, even though she is probably a terrible writer, and offers her sage advice about leaving town. He says she is destined to have a life bigger than this. There is some unidentifiable alt country in the background. It is the kind of scene I wish there were more of in HG. -M]

Roman tries to kill Christina but fails miserably. He does manage to keep her away from Letha long enough for Peter to turn into a wolf. Peter is also subdued by Christina but it’s cool because Shelley the gentle giant glowworm breaks her fucking neck. Then the stupid fucking Sheriff shoots Shelley TWICE. [Does no one know what a sweet person Shelley is? I don’t know how this is possible. People in Hemlock Grove are all kinds of shallow. -M] She goes running off. Roman is a fucking wreck (I will say one thing about baby Skars he does manage to act out real genuine pathos when he wants too). Letha snuggles with her hurt puppy Peter. When Peter wakes up he has a face –YAY FOR PETER’S FACE! [Can wolves magically heal themselves? How do we believe this? -M] Roman goes home and tells Olivia about Shelley and the dead dog. Apparently Olivia and Norman make a deal with the Sheriff to blame all of this shit on Shelley–OH POOR SHELLEY. [This is so incredibly fucked up, because it’s not like that girl doesn’t have enough problems. Olivia is a shit mother. -M]

In the not so distant future a very sweaty and rumpled Norman sells his half of the White Tower to the Priest (and by extension Johan). He and Olivia make-out in the back of a limo –OH YOU TWO CRAZY KIDS! The other kids are also having fun as in, Roman begging Destiny for info on Shelley and Letha having a baby! On their way out Destiny warns Roman (I think “to be still for a warrior is still,” I don’t really remember and I’m not rewinding). Roman confides in Peter that he regularly Jedi mind-tricks himself in a mirror into looking for Shelley. She also tells him to make his heart still or steel (this internet seems to think it’s steel). Letha dies in childbirth, it’s a bummer. [Not to the viewers, she had no personality. -M] Norman begs Johan to bring her back. Johan tells him she is too old but that he might have more luck with the baby.

http://hemlockgrovethings.tumblr.com/

You are my only love.

Peter cuts off all of his hair in anguish. Johan weeps and breaks his glass desk. So much sadness during this finale and finally poor Roman begs his mother to take him to Peter only to find him gone. While crumbling with his broken heart Olivia tells the story of her youth in which she was in love with a Romani boy who had her run away from her rich family only to steal everything from her. Young Olivia also had a tail which she cuts off with a rock. When her family finds her she is pregnant. She sends the baby Magdalena away and goes to an academy of some sort, this also happened in the 19th century so Olivia is old as fuck. I’m fairly certain that earlier in the season we find out that Nikolai’s mother is called Magdalena which would mean that Olivia is Peters great-grandmother (or I just made that up). [The whole time I was watching this scene I was like, how old is this woman? I didn’t realize she is some sort of demon/immortal/whatever. -M]

Norman moves in with Olivia and Roman. After dinner Olivia sends him to bed. She then goes to find Roman to celebrate his birthday–I guess Norman was too sad for cake. For his birthday Olivia tells Roman that she killed his sisters because they weren’t marked as Upir by being born in the caul (which Olivia eats). [She is way into this caul thing. Also if she’s 150 how can she still have kids? She must have a superwomb. Oh, and if she has mind control, why does she keep fucking Norman? Aren’t there any more attractive, non sweaty dudes in Hemlock Grove? -M] She then makes him remember that he raped Letha and that the baby is his. The baby is also a present and just so happens to be in a crib in the attic. I think Olivia wants Roman to eat the baby and/or kill the baby but Olivia does not seem very grandmotherly towards the baby. [I am TERRIFIED of this demon baby. -M] Roman tells himself to make his heart still/steel and slits his wrists. Olivia holds him as he is drained of blood. We find out that by committing suicide the Upir rises as Olivia did when she bled to death from her severed tail. Roman rises to go quiet his child –don’t eat your baby Roman. Instead of eating the baby roman eats his mother, when she purrs to him how proud she is he bites off her tongue. Norman sleeps through all of that crazy shit.

http://darlingialwayswin.tumblr.com/

MOMMY!!!

We end this season with Roman on the throne of the Godfrey empire, the priest sending Michael after Roman, Johan collecting Olivia in a body bag, Lynda and bald Peter driving off into an uncertain future and the Ouroboros waking up (a child age fetus in Johan’s creepy metal box). ALSO, there’s screaming from Christina’s coffin at the end of the credits, the new writing staff better recon that shit cause that bitch can’t act.

This is the song that is played at the end, while Lynda and Peter drive away.

Bonus: some of my favorite Olivia outfits

She wears all white with the occasional black accent and she always looks fucking fabulous, like another Olivia we know.

Olivia as a ram? OK I totally buy that.

Olivia as a ram? OK I totally buy that.

The perfect dress to wear while Norman is going down on her!

The perfect dress to wear while Norman is going down on her!

Chanel boucle means business.

Chanel boucle means business.

I love the buttons down the side!!

I love the buttons down the side!!

This is basically my favorite thing she ever wears and I want it in every color.

This is basically my favorite thing she ever wears and I want it in every color.

It's a nightgown/it's a dress/it's a nightgown/it's a dress.

It’s a nightgown/it’s a dress/it’s a nightgown/it’s a dress.

I think this outfit has the most black in it of everything she wears which is probably significant but I don't care to think more about it.

I think this outfit has the most black in it of everything she wears which is probably significant but I don’t care to think more about it.

Sexy 60s minidress with bell sleeves doesn't seem very Olivia when you first hear about it but she looks gorgeous.

Sexy 60s minidress with bell sleeves doesn’t seem very Olivia when you first hear about it but she looks gorgeous.

I think this is too tight but so are half her clothes.

I think this is too tight but so are half her clothes.

Another bell sleeve dress, this one in sparkly lace!

Another bell sleeve dress, this one in sparkly lace!

Ummmmm…

Christina 1

I seriously want to make this my avatar everywhere but I am scared people will be squicked out so I will share it with you all, since you have already seen the show or are interested enough to read this post. This screencap reminds me of Face Off, the very excellent reality competition show.

Questions that need to be answered…

How mad is Olivia when she wakes up in the White Tower morgue?

What the fuck is the childlike fetus in Johan’s Ouroboros cube? [I hattttteeeeee it. -M]

What is up with Dr. Chassuer’s brother Michael and the non-teen Order of the Dragon?

What did Johan do to Shelley to bring her back from the dead?

What happened to Roman and Letha’s baby?

WHERE IS GLOWWORM?

How much does Johan pay the folks who type up his audio dictation?

We live blogged Season 2 episode 1 here!

Gifs from partinnavuruncaherseycalisirperfkidhemlockgrovethingsslayersexualfuckyeahhemlockgroveentwashianpeterrumancektell-me-another-horror-storyknowingsouls, and darlingialwayswin.

25 Comments

  1. Pingback: Smart ladies love dumb TV, Hemlock Grove season 2 premiere, Blood Pressure, LIVE | smart ladies love stuff

  2. I absolutely loved this recap haha the author said everything we were all thinking! Very awesome article! Thanks! Because I seriously couldn’t remember anything that happened, there was just too much! Sitting down to devote myself to season 2 now 😀

    • Hey Kassie,

      I’m so glad you enjoyed the recap. I also couldn’t remember what had happened in season 1 so I had to watch it again to write the recap.

      Season 2 is better than season 1 so I hope you have fun 🙂

      Thanks again for reading AND commenting!!!
      Katie

    • I agree! I was so glad to find someone who could vocalize everything I was thinking!
      The bromance, Letha’s absent personality, eye-rolling comments on feminists, the fact that I wanted this show to be only the certain people. Fantastic job!

  3. What a silly summary. Terrible grammar, typos in abundance, constant admissions that you mostly hate or are not paying attention to the show that you (bafflingly) spend so much time writing about. Why did you write this? You seem to think you’re a “writer”, (I can tell because you get defensive whenever the subject of Christina as a “novelist” comes up) but you use “there” instead of “their” and stuff this recap full of so many non sequiturs and garbage prose that you end up defeating the ONE and ONLY purpose of a “recap”: to help people remember what was going on in previous seasons. Wading through this lexical shit-swamp and all those “LOL I DIDNT EVN WACH THE SHOW ;)” asides from “M.” made it virtually impossible to locate relevant details and plot points. Plus, there are WAY too many snarky gay jokes about the two main characters that have no purpose beyond, it seems, mocking them for being a little too into each other for your liking. You employing the phrase “gay panic” somewhere else, which means (I’m guessing) you probably don’t even realize that about half of your photos are basically gay jokes. Jeez.
    Smart ladies? Give this URL to someone who won’t make it seem ironic.

  4. OH MYLANTA you are funny….thanks for the recap and the laughs

  5. OHHH relax Chris and troll someone else’s page. I for one found the recap to be a hilarious spin on the shittiest show I’ve ever watched. You really should be pissed at Netflix for funding a second season!!

    • Hello Shanna,

      I’m so glad you liked the recap and thought it was funny 🙂

      If you want to give the show another go, season 2 is better and we have been recapping it as well.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting!!!
      Katie

  6. Most boring, yet interesting show ever ! I just finished Season 1 yesterday, and I was still very much confused .. This recap was awesome ! As I read, I remembered my previous questions, and everything began to make sense .. Thanks so much !

    • HA, that’s exactly how I feel about the show! Also, thanks to Katie for watching these episodes twice, knowing more about supernatural shows than me, and catching all these minor pieces of plot for the recaps! Things do fall into place with her recaps.
      Thanks for reading! xoxoM

      • THANKS GUYS! I’m glad I can help people with Hemlock Grove as I am weirdly ridiculously hooked even though it’s insanely weird AND also terribly boring 🙂

        Thanks for commenting Dricey (and M)!!!
        Katie

  7. Thaaaank you. xD I was so perplexed by this show but I could not stop watching. I’m glad that I wasn’t the only one who actively cheered when Letha died.

  8. I seen a Netflix ad with Hemlock Grove thought I would check it out. Did not have a clue what it was about when I watched the first few episodes. Almost checked out after a few episodes because it moved very slow and I had no clue what was happening. Olivia and the history of the Godfrey family kept me watching. Finished the first season yesterday.

    Loved your recap of season 1. I will come back to read your recap of season 2 after I watch it. Hopefully they have a 3rd season.

    • Hey Molej,

      Hemlock Grove is weird in that it moves frustratingly slow and yet totally makes you feel like you have to watch to get to the end. I hope you enjoy season 2 (it was still slow but I found it to be more humorous than season 1).

      Thanks for reading AND commenting 🙂
      Katie

  9. Found this site on a google search for HG recap of season 1. Read each one and it seems I should stop watching this show when I am tired or too ADD, as I seemed to have missed some things. Thanks for making the recap funny as well. It’s an odd show, but I like it.

  10. So much potential in this show but it was such a mess. Sloppy writing and directing didn’t help. One moment Oeter says Vince is his uncle, implying he was Lynda’s brother. Five minutes later Lynda says cousin. Peter’s hands no where near Shelly when Roman says not to touch her. Weird continuity issues.

    And the biggest of all. People keep commenting about how it’s believeable that Peter is a werewolf cause of his tons of body hair. But he doesn’t really have any. Longish hair and a scruffy beard plus the happy trail and his pits. But his chest, arms and legs are so bare they look waxed. The comments make zero sense

  11. The writing of this “article” is atrocious, too many interjections from the author?, editor?. For a website that is titled “smart ladies,” I’m not getting that. I was looking for a summary before starting the new season, but yours is just poorly written and hard to follow.

  12. This show had potential. True Detective meets True Blood I had hoped. Instead, this is more like Twilight. We’ve regressed back into awful.

    Instead, we get this mess of Werewolf, pseudo-vampire (Upir, aka Dragon), Frankenstein’s monster, and monster hunter. This was closer to season 5 of True Blood. A paper-thin plot as an excuse to waste time. Characters evolve as the plot demands with little to no foreshadowing. Peter and Roman (and their mothers) just randomly become buddy buddy. Olivia suddenly likes Peter because he leaves a statue. Uh huh.

    And the finale makes zero sense. You know she’s the killer and you don’t hog-tie her with the extension cord because…reasons. You gawk and don’t grab the axe because….more reasons. Officer shoots Shelly because…even more reasons! Shelly gets made into the scapegoat because….aw, fuck it.

    There’s no excuse for this drivel.

  13. So did you guys ever write up a season 3 recap??? I loved reading it made me seriously LOL!!!!

Leave a Reply