Smart ladies love dumb TV, ranking American Idol’s top 10 girls

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American Idol Harry Girls

For reasons not known to the American Idol watching and voting public, Per Blankens and the rest of the Idol producers have decided to switch up the Top 30 semifinalist week performances. Instead of having all 15 of each gendered group sing, the “judges” are eliminating 5 before they can even perform for America (based on… time with Randy? this seems suspect). After the top five of each gender are chosen by America, the judges pick three wild cards, none of which should be Marialle. Also, Chris Daughtry and Adam Lambert gave the contestants some tips, along with some non denominational spiritual advisers. I thought Idol was getting weird but that just pushed it into surreal territory.

American Idol Adam Lambert 1

Today I’m ranking the girls and tomorrow I’ll get the boys!

Girls

7. {BIG GAP} Everyone else

American Idol Top 15 Girls

Really, what is the point in fighting over if questionable power belter Kristen O’Connor is better or worse than questionable lipstick chooser Bria Anai? What about not-at-all-sexy Emily Piriz vs not-at-all-on-pitch Marialle? I don’t have the energy.

6. Briana Oakley

I don’t know why, at this point in the competition, people choose dirgy ballads (love you, though, Demi). It is a mystery to me. But I like Briana’s tone and her personality and I hope America does too because I cannot take another week of Kristen. [Was Kristen the one who wore the hat when she talked to Randy or the one Harry called out for having zero sexiness? I’m so confused those two are the same girl in my head. -K]

5. Malaya Watson

Malaya, tuba player extraordinaire, should not have gotten this far. She should have been sent home last week and told to try again next year. But she’s charming and has a fantastic voice, even though it will probably be even better in two years. [I so wish they had told her to wait but she is cute and I would prefer her in the top 13 to those two girls I can’t tell apart. -K]

4. Jena Irene/Ascuito

Jena (if you don’t pronounce it “Gina” by now, she will cut you) and her rock star chick persona really appeal to me, even though she sang Lana Del Rey in Hollywood Week, prompting J Lo to say she didn’t know the song and was going to download it when she got home (spoiler: it’s not as good as Jena’s when it’s sung in a baby voice). This week, Jena’s song choice (“Paint it Black”) was crappy but she showed signs of eventual AI domination, as long as no one calls her fucking Jenna. [This kid has spunk and she has original material that didn’t make me want to kill myself –WINS ALL ARAOUND! -K]

3. Jessica Meuse

When Jess was performing, Katie noted that if she closed her eyes, she loved her performance of “Drink a Beer.” I find it interesting that Jess went country when her YouTube channel is full of Death Cab for Cutie covers and stuff. [Here is where I would lament the loss of fellow country lady Brandy Neelly to the top ten but I will hold back.] She desperately needs a modern makeover and lessons in being nice to her fellow contestants. I hope she rooms with Majesty and they become best friends. [Jess has an amazing voice she also has a kind of bad attitude AND an addiction to heavy eye makeup, I hope these things improve. Seriously I like the heavy black liner BUT it’s a big fat NO to black shadow and green/gold glitter and I can’t talk about the clothes or I will cry. VOICE IS AMAZING!-K]

2. MK Nobilette

You guys, MK is first out contestant on one of these shows and I would vote for her just for that but she is really good. I love her pretty voice and her subtle phrasing. I know it didn’t look like it, but she is definitely getting better at her stage presence. Also I may have cried on Tuesday while watching her, like her adorable mom. She has a great recording voice and I hope she learns to sing a bit more dynamically. But LOSE THE SWAYBOTS, producers!!! [MK is so adorable and I am so happy that she keeps improving. I really want her to sing an up tempo folk song like Joni Mitchell’s “All I Want” OR the Indigo Girls, “Devotion”!!! -K]

1. Majesty York

Majesty has always been my favorite, but during this performance of Pharrell’s Oscar-nominated “Happy,” I realized that’s because she reminds me of a mini-Janelle Monae. Maybe if she gets to the final, she can sing with Janelle. And Feist. I am putting all my Idol hopes and dreams onto Majesty but she is my everything. [This kid is my all time favorite and I want her to go far, so that I can buy all her albums! -K]

All gifs and images from americanidol.

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