Smart ladies love dumb TV, ranking the finalists on X Factor UK

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Even though I don’t have time to write about it each week, I am still following X Factor UK. There are several changes this year, including two new judges, pop star Rita Ora and radio personality Nick Grimshaw. My dear dancing Dermot O’Leary was replaced by TWO hosts, Caroline Flack, she of the cute bob, and Olly Murrs, he of the turtleneck.

This weekend, our four judges (Simon-overs, Cheryl-groups, Rita-girls, Nick-boys) narrowed the field down to twelve mediocre great finalists. Since I have a hard time keeping my opinions to myself, I HAD to rank all the contestants for you. As usual, there are some things I do not like in these shows–oversinging, being boring, having no personality, dead eyes–so those folks ranked lower. It is my blog so I can hate 4th Impact if I wanna.

12. 4th Impact

Once again, people are calling the show The Fix Factor for featuring an artist who was previously famous elsewhere. Everyone is freaking out this girl group, and while they are super polished, they fail to excite me at all. Could it be song choice? This Rihanna jam has terrible verses and the chorus doesn’t get good until the end.

11. Louisa Johnson

I could not pick this girl’s voice out of a lineup when put against the one hundred girls on American Idol who sing this way. Pick a more contemporary song, PLEASE. No one is doing anything like “Respect” in 2015.

10. Alien Uncovered

Cheryl loves this group, but as there are SIX of them, I find myself unable to focus when they are performing. At this point, I don’t really care to even learn their names. When I look at them all I see is bad hair and even worse hats.

9. Kiera Weathers

Rita sure likes Kiera, and she is definitely the girl with the best chance of being modern, but she seems so distant from the song she’s singing.

8. Bupsi Brown

I think Simon genuinely likes her, though to me she seems like a joke contestant; however, this joke contestant is more interesting than most of the other contestants (and she did “Pony,” so +1 for Bupsi). Vote for her, UK readers! She’s so much fun!

7. Che Chesterman

Che has a lovely voice, really, but there’s nothing special about him to me. This show has a long history with boring-but-pleasant contestants like this–Jahmene Douglas, Nicholas McDonald, Sam Bailey, Christopher Malone, just since I’ve been watching–so I know he will get far. I would also like to point out that his parents’ WEDDING SONG came out when I was ten. Sigh.

6. Lauren Murray

Lauren seems like a nice girl, and she has a big ol’ voice, but she’s not the type of singer I typically root for (I do ADORE her reaction in the video above when she’s watching herself perform). Advice: wash your face, get a more modern look, and sing something less belt-y. I actually initially ranked her lower but rewatching the other performances made me change my mind and I bumped her up!

5. Reggie N Bollie

Because I am not super-impressed yet with the level of talent in this year’s contestants, having a positive attitude and being genuinely happy to be on X Factor go a long way with me.

4. Max Stone

On the one hand, Max has a really cool voice and he is great at changing songs to suit him. But we’ve seen so many Maxes on X Factor–one just won last year–and really, an acoustic version of “Gangsta’s Paradise”  sooooo college guy in a bar.

3. Anton Stephans

I am under no delusions that Anton can produce a hit song–I leave that to my two favorites–but he’s so damn likeable and his voice really is great and he is FULL of expression. Anton brings me joy.

2. Mason Noise

Mason is a controversial contestant, previously getting into a fight with Simon during the six-chair challenge, but Nick selected him when another guy dropped out. He returned humbled and with a much better attitude. Not only does he sing in a beautiful falsetto, but he also raps, and I think that versatility will be fascinating to watch, if the UK voters actually get over his former attitude and vote for him.

1. Seann Miley Moore

After Mark Ronson heard Seann do Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work” for the first time, he told Nick that if that song was released it would go to the top of the charts. And he’s not wrong. I don’t think it will be difficult to get England to vote for a man who wears women’s clothes, especially one with such a gorgeous voice. I enjoyed him before judges’ houses, but he sang boring soul songs. He put so much emotion into that performance that I don’t know how anyone can not be a fan.

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