The acts going to live shows in season 12 of X Factor UK have been chosen (Simon & co. of the US version seem to want to drag this shit out for another week so I will be posting about those bozos next week). Rejoice, world! As usual, the contestants on the UK version have more personality and warmth than the US singers, who always seem like total assholes to me. Watching both of these shows concurrently really fucks you up, people.
I am really here to judge and rate these folks as viable candidates for my undying love and devotion. In reverse order, here is how I rank the top twelve of X Factor UK.
12. Luke Friend
Dude your hair is fucking gross. Plus he’s like the male Lucy Spraggan. He will probably be on the show way too long and I will fast forward through his performances every week.
11. Nicholas McDonald
I’m not really into the boys this year but I like this kid’s accent. His judge’s house performance was awful. I don’t know how Louis sent him through over Paul.
10. Sam Callahan
I had Sam ranked 12th but he has opened for Union J and posed for a gay site due to his gay following so I like him more now.
But seriously, what if Bill Callahan was on this show instead? Wouldn’t that rule?
9. Shelley Smith
Shelley has no chance of winning but she does have a chance of charming the world AND one day releasing a dance single that’s huge in gay clubs.
8. Lorna Simpson
Lorna is a bit forgettable but she’s still more promising than any of the boys. STOP WITH THE WHITNEY.
7. Abi Alton
Abi reminds me of someone Blake and/or Adam would be SUPER into on The Voice. She has a really lovely voice, though, and she doesn’t grate me the same way that bi-colored hair girl with the giant bow.
6. Miss Dynamix
Perhaps I am ranking them too low but they are a manufactured group and had only been together a few weeks by judges’ houses. One of them, SeSe, is pregnant and due in January! Congrats!
5. Rough Copy
I love them but I sorely missed their third member, who had to quit due to Visa issues. Thankfully Gary sent the boys through so they will be reunited with Kaz for the Lives (this is what they call the live shows, it’s cute and British).
4. Sam Bailey
Sam is probably the best over the show has ever had. She has a huge soul voice, seems sweet, and was previously rejected from both Britain’s Got Talent and an earlier season of X Factor. I can’t wait until her makeover. New hair for Sam!
3. Tamera Foster
She has a sordid past! But isn’t that what we look for in our pop stars? Tamera has the most potential to be hugely famous and I will probably enjoy her song choices and performances week to week. She is 16 and insanely stylish. The 16 year olds on the American shows either dress like little kids or Britney Spears clubbing in Miami in 1999.
2. Kingsland Road
You know I love a good boyband . KR are hyped as the next Take That, and with Gary as their mentor, they could be just that. They are not the best singers but they have cute hair and a lot of good energy. Apparently they all live together in a tiny flat, sleep several in a room and rehearse all the time. I love how Olly Murrs acted shocked that they’re singing his song but in this round the producers pick the song and they did that on purpose.
1. Hannah Barrett
Holy shit, the pipes on this girl. She made Mary J. Blige CRY. Nicole’s girls are GOOD and with her results (Josh finished second in her season on X Factor US and last year, two of her boys were the top 2 and Rylan lasted way longer than necessary, probably due to the UK’s love of Nicole and muppet shoes), one of them will probably win if Kingsland Road doesn’t sets hearts afire.
All screencaps by me.