Smart ladies love dumb TV, the best and worst of American Idol season 12

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American Idol Top 8

Even on the weeks when Katie and I didn’t post about Lazaro’s crotch or Amber’s jumpsuits, we still watched and texted about American Idol. It wasn’t always pretty–the casual racism and fattism were particularly horrifying this season. But we did see some fine performances, mostly from the women, and maybe you’ll join us when we catch the AI tour this summer (if we can afford it, yeesh).

So we know the final two are Kree and Candice. This is pretty much my dream final two, though I would not have fought Janelle subbed in for Kree. Both are talented and interesting and BOTH HAVE VAGINAS. I know. It’s crazy. Can you believe someone with boobs is going to win this thing? No one else can because it’s all they’re talking about on the blogs.

Next year the show will look different: every judge has either quit or been fired (no direct news on Keith Urban yet, thank goodness). Here’s hoping the producers will follow all of Dave Holmes’ tips and hire judges with great chemistry.

The Judges

Worst rascist

Dawg! 'American Idol' original Randy Jackson leaving hit show

Shocking: Randy Jackson. From his insistence that Candice is a “church girl” to his decimation of poor Shubha Vedula’s name, Randy “wins” this category in season 12.

Pay him whatever he wants

American Idol Top 8 Ryan Seacrest

I know I was really hard on Ryan Seacrest this year, but he has tried to right the sinking Idol ship as best he could all year. I was particularly impressed with his delicate handling of the Charlie situation in the early rounds, and he’s seemed less of a douche this year and more of a sage truth-teller.

Most likely to set back the work of feminists

Nicki Mariah

The dumb rivalry between Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. Most of the time they didn’t talk to each other and needed Big Daddy Randy to sit between them, who Nicki didn’t seem to like either, since he was kissing Mariah’s ass all season.

Pay him whatever he wants, part II

American Idol Top 8 Results Keith Urban

Keith Urban should be the only person left from this mess of a panel, even though they’re all getting the axe.

The show

Worst product placement

Keith mustang 2
Keith mustang 1

Top Ten Janelle Arthur

I expect the Ford photo shoots and the bad songs from upcoming movies but the Mustang shirts, that were worn by at least Keith and Janelle (that I noticed), really annoyed the crap out of me.

The contestants

Biggest disappointment

Everything Amber Holcolmb did after her first performance of “My Funny Valentine.” Including the magical jumpsuits.

Best Crotchspiracy

American Idol Top 6 Lazaro Arbos crotch 3

I am certain the producers noticed Lazaro’s super tight pants and told the stylists to put him in longer shirts.

Worst Styling

Top Ten Candice Glover

I don’t know why Candice needed to wear tent tops, hiddy patterned leggings and cheap sparkly tops, all of which look like rejects from F21’s plus size line. Big girls can wear cute body hugging shit too! Katie would like to see her in bootcut pants, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

WTF America?

American Idol Top 8 Devin Velez

Lazaro outlasted the impeccably dressed and pitch perfect Devin Velez.

Overrated on the Internet

Angie Miller Top 6 Piano
Angie’s fans were SO VOCAL that I knew she wasn’t going to win. Plus she’s not from the south.

Best/worst groups

American Idol Top 7 Lazaro Angie
American Idol Top 8 Boys Trio

All the ones Lazaro was in were THE WORST GROUPS. You could tell no one wanted to sing with him, likely because he forgot his lyrics and was a giant douche. These were ALSO kind of the best because I laughed the whole way through them.

Please become famous

American Idol Top 8 Janelle

Janelle Arthur, I will buy your sweet country records if they sound like Ashley Monroe.

My favorite performance

I have to have two, because, well, I am not good at making decisions.

I wass so thrilled Candice did a re-run of “I Who Have Nothing” last night because it is one of the most memorable performances from the whole season.

But maybe not as memorable as Janelle’s “You Keep Me Hanging On.” UGH SO GOOD.

The future?

What do you want the future American Idol to look like? I’d love more extensive cleared song lists, a panel full of less famous people, and fewer instances of racism/sexism/fattism/etc.

May the best woman win tonight! I will only be watching half of it live because of The Office finale but that’s why there are DVRs. Plus now I can skip through Danny Gokey.

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