Smart ladies love dumb TV, The Wanted Life recap, Obama Like a Popstar

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Another half hour episode and this one contains NO NAREESHA! Thank you producers for hearing my whines.

The Wanted Life 4 01

Scooter Braun walks in the door of his office and tells Nathan, “Sunglasses. Indoors. No Way.” Just like that, because sentences are too much work for a grown man named Scooter.

Then someone retorts:

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Scooter, sensing the hilarity he’s wandered into: “I’ve been telling him that.”

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Scooter replies, “I can’t tell that man anything.”

Scooter tells the boys they’ve been booked to play at the White House for the President and they FLIP OUT. They pull their shirts up (WTF is this nonsense? The Tracey Jordan???), stand on the pretty farmhouse table and dance.

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Scooter said, “Guys. Nano told you already, huh?”

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Scooter (sarcastically): “You enjoyed that.”

Our boys are singing at the Easter Egg roll! Finally they get to perform for their true fans–seven year olds with their moms!

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Tom really wants to meet the Obama’s dog. Scooter says I guess you can ask them.

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Then Max says something about Bo in a voice I don’t recognize and none of it means anything. They caption every single thing that comes out of these Brits’ mouths, even though you can clearly understand what they’re saying, but the producers fail to explain a bunch of nonsense?

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In confession, Jay says they Google stuff about the White House so they don’t seem ignorant. Tom pipes up that he recently saw Salt, which uses my former home of Albany, NY as a stand in for DC, so they shouldn’t really use that one. Or Homeland. They list off movies in DC and Siva says Mars Attacks and Tom hasn’t seen it, probably because he’s watching total crap like Salt.

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I’ll bet Max is Instagramming the sunset

Max tells Nathan to stay away from Sasha and Malia. There’s more boring talk about Nathan’s voice and how he’s disappointed he can’t sing at the White House. But I bet he can drink water and make funny faces!

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I found his website! He’s worked for Mika, Katie! And the Sugababes.

The boys go to a White House rehearsal to practice covering Nathan’s part. This is the first time we’ve seen something like this happen, which is odd because The Sats were in rehearsal every goddamn day. And they’ve done “All Time Low” four times without Nathan so why are they practicing it now?

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Nano is so disappointed in Jay

Jay can’t get through any of his parts and Nano says its all right, giving it a 6 out of 10. Maybe if 10 is like J Lo instead of Neko Case.

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I want this couch.

Max is in Scooter’s office and tells him he is thinking about acting. Scooter wants it to be real, Max used to do auditions but he stopped when he joined the band. He doesn’t want it to be Max from the Wanted so he “makes some calls.” Since that’s a way for Max to get in based on skill alone and not name recognition. HMMPH.

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Nano goes to the house and asks Jay to meet him in his office, which is some lounge chairs by the pool. If this was my office I wouldn’t want to shoot myself every morning when I wake up. Nano tells Jay he needs voice lessons, which hurts Jays feelings because it’s in front of the guys. Maybe you should get Nano a more private office in your mansion?

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The Wanted eat a lot of carbs. Just like me!

Jay recounts the story to Tom and Tom says they all need vocal coaches and volunteers to come with him because he could also use some pointers.

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Tom and some bacon.

Tom seems like a really good friend, between this and the Siva fiasco.

Max got an audition via Scooter but he’s worried because can’t do any accents.

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He tries to do a fake southern accent and hits on Tom, who plays “the girl.” It is funny but also horrible. Max knows he needs to work on his accent. He says he hopes the girl looks like Tom.

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Mama Jan is on Twitter, which says she lives in Atlanta. Either she was flown to LA or Jay and Tom went to the ATL. Also she did a rap for Justin Beiber’s birthday.

Mama Jan, Jay’s vocal coach, is like “a personal trainer for vocal athletes” which the boys really respond to.

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She has them do jumping jacks. Both get out of breath after a minute, and Mama Jan says most of her “athletes” make it to ten minutes. These people have beer for breakfast so I would not put too much stock in their ability to exercise.

Then there’s a series of vocal warm ups:

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This seemed creepy. Jay was singing while she did this.

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Tom does it too!

She thinks Jay sings with too much tension and she wants to teach him how to loosen it up. Without beer. Yeah this will probably be a fail.

Jay felt positive about the coaching and he said she made it fun, which he loves because he’s ten.

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Our heroes are on bus and Jay tells Nano the vocal coaching was awesome but the method of asking him was dramatic. I would feel like shit too if I was the only one of my loser friends who needed singing lessons. Nano is sorry how he made Jay feel.

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Tom says he’s really excited to see the giant river from Forrest Gump. SIGH.

Max says “Being at the capital of the United States, which is Washington, previously New York…” like he said something wrong initially and had to be corrected by the producers. I, of course, love imaging all the hilarious things he probably said that we didn’t see.

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The band stands at the gate and see the Obamas speak like the rest of the plebes except they are probably standing in front of a bunch of small children who want to see their favorite president ever. Way to go, heartless bastards.

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Nathan interviews that rumor has it, Michelle Obama is a fan of The Wanted. At least she doesn’t like One Direction, amirite?

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Egg rolling in the US is easier than in the UK, according to Jay, where you have to hold an egg on a spoon. “If you drop [the egg] in the UK, you’re out. And then you get adopted.”

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I did a lot of research on Coco Jones. I thought she was managed by Scooter but in fact her management is Red Light, whose client roster is HUGE. It was founded by Coran Capshaw, who lives in Charlottesville, and owns my favorite venue there. Fun facts!

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Nathan isn’t even drinking water, he’s just being awkward and kind of dancing.

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They are SO OFF with the music and it’s much louder than their voices. Our taxpayer dollars at work for shitty sound systems, huh?

Jay, discussing his vocal lessons: “There is no I in Team but there is a Me and Me felt like shit. Thanks Nano, you dickwipe.”

The boys wait in the library for Michelle Obama. They are so nervous and cute.Then they start to make fun of Nano, their favorite past time.

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Nano says these are his people (Americans? Politicians? I DON’T KNOW) so he will be on his best behavior.

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Jay is wearing the ugliest jacket I have ever seen in my life.

She hugs all of them and thanks them for being here and being awesome. She brought Bo and the boys are more excited to see the dog than the FLOTUS.

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Max tried to get Bo to give him paw and the dog wouldn’t do so unless Max spoke in his terrible American accent. There is no way anyone would believe that bullshit story.

This is Max’s first movie audition in years. He ays he will probably be terrible, and I agree, especially after seeing the script:

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Meets Jim Kelly the writer of the bad script (I hope it’s this Jim Kelly). Max fails to bring a head shot or resume since he’s completely unprofessional and only got this audition because his boyband’s manager also manages Justin Beiber.

He says he’s been making a go at the American accent but I hope he means more than talking to the first dog in some shite accent and he’s been taking secret lessons that we can’t see. Because if not, he’s trying to coast without doing any work and I hate that shit.

He does some accent that sounds like Christian Bale in as Batman. This dude is not amused:

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Max then does it with his own accent and he’s much better, more sincere.

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On the next The Wanted Life: shoot the video for the worst song ever. And Kelsey cries because someone says cellulite. And something about Max and some girls. I don’t fucking know anymore.

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