Smart ladies love dumb TV, True Blood recap, Dead Meat

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Previously on True Blood, Eric brought Nora to Bill to SAVE her, Bill couldn’t (because he is a demon NOT a god), Sookie and Benlow (new nick-name, I like it!) had post-coital talk that was boring, Arlene got drunk cause her husband was dead, AND Sarah Newlin kissed the severed head of her boyfriend the governor.

Sookie you motherfucking monster

This week:

  • Eric and Bill fight over Sookie and because Nora is dead and Eric is petulant. Eric does taunt Bill with what I’m fairly certain are lines from the musical Peter Pan (Eric Northman is a fan of the great white way. Who knew?). Bill than taunts Eric about his maker dying and Eric believing in something other than himself. He also threatens to kill Eric who doesn’t care about dying which makes Bill’s threats pretty useless so he lets Eric go.
Bill WHINNING

Bill WHINING…is a sure sign that he is NOT a god.

Eric I CAN FLY

Eric, definitely displays the markers for peter-pan syndrome.

  • Poor Jason now belongs to the NEW brunette vampire. FOREVER.
  • Sookie asks Benlow to help her vampire friends. He tells her he wants her to be his forever (CREEPY). He also tells her that he has loved her for 6000 years. Sookie tells him she needs to think about it and then is incredulous about why he can’t just ask her out on a date, why does it have to be forever. Just as she leaves Benlow, Eric sees her pop out of fairy and tries to go there himself. PLEASE HAVE BENLOW AND ERIC TEAM UP AGAINST BILL!

Sookie and Benlow

  • Jessica and James are boring BUT when they leave the conference room of sex, Jessica runs into Pam who tells her that fucking her therapist is “oozy but productive.” Oh, thank goodness Pam is no longer whiny!
  • Alcide finally starts to do the right thing and returns Nicole and her mother to Sam.
  • Sookie remembers when Benlow was a creepy dude in her bathroom who told her he was after her and then she realizes that Niall is missing.
  • The vamp girls (Tara, Willa, and Jessica) want Pam to talk to Violet (who is creepy but NO rapist she tells Jason that he may belong to her but they will only fuck when it’s consensual –this show, right?) about not hurting Jason. Pam tries kind of.

Sassy Pam

  • Lala tells Arlene that she is a millionaire. [Was Zach from Gilmore Girls rich? I need more information. Maybe Arlene will leave this shithole town for Chicago AKA The Good Wife forever. -M]
  • Steve makes a friend in James, who tells Steve not to drink the blood.
  • Sookie goes to Bill to talk about the situation and you know what, Bill is a fucking dick. She brings up the fact that if Benlow agrees to help them it will mean Sookie being his half fairy vampire bride and Bill is all like DO IT and then smiles he even smiles after tells him off and walks away –no remorse just being a dick. I keep thinking that maybe Bill is not an asshole just emotionally confused about his new-found powers but then I’m like NOPE he is a mother fucker. I seriously do not get all of the people in the fandom who are all Bill wants to help everyone, we love new fancy Bill and Eric only wants to help his family he’s an asshole. Bill is a dick and Eric has always been self-centered but he is allowed to be because he is pretty (and Skarsgard can act). Anyway Sookie calls Bill a monster and goes to think some more about being a fairy vampire bride. I like tough Sookie. The smart thing to do would be to find Eric and talk this through with him, maybe Eric can make a deal with Benlow AND save the vampires at the compound without dealing with Bill. OH wait that makes sense, sorry I even brought that up.

Sookie to Bill

  • Meanwhile back at vamp camp, Sarah is in a power suit of awesome finds out nobody is drinking the True Blood. So she tortures Steve by making him run on a human sized hamster wheel which is HILARIOUS!
  • Sookie goes to Sam for help. She shows him her ball of light and tells him that if she through it she could be normal and that they could possibly have a future together –THE FUCK?!?– which truly comes out of nowhere and sucks because SAM GOT NICOLE PREGNANT! THE FUCK?!? Man I really miss the glowing vaginas, that seemed like a much simpler time. Sookie leaves in a hurry cause she realizes how fucked up she is. Also Sam knew Nicole was pregnant because he smelled it on her –THE FUCK?!?
Sam confused about sookie and pregnant nicole

Oh, Sam I’m so confused by what’s going on with you and all your ladies.

  • After a tough funeral consultation Arlene, Andy and Holly end it with a group hug.
  • Sookie goes to the cemetery and tells off her parents. She is trying to find an answer somewhere.

Sam confused about sookie and pregnant nicole

  • The US True Blood representative (who was in the Joy Luck Club –love that movie) comes to vamp camp looking for the Governor and instead finds Sarah and that they are tampering with the True Blood being processed there. A fight ensues and Sarah kills her with a high heel shoe. Anna Camp is the BEST. Nobody does camp better than Camp.
Anna Camp FUCKING AWESOME

“Thank you, Jesus!” -Sarah Newlin

  • Sookie calls Jason only to leave him a sad voice-mail of despair and then calls Bill and tells him to pick her up in an hour. She spends that hour putting on a black lace dress. Sookie is playing the part of vampire bride really well.

Sookie and Bill

  • Eric finds Adalynn Andy’s fairy daughter in the cemetery with Holy’s boys. He glamours them and then goes after the girl. I hope he gets to Benlow before Sookie and Bill.
  • All of the vampires we know are ushered into the white room just like Bill’s vision for one reason or an other.
  • Before Sookie and Bill go to fairy to get Benlow he asks her why she finally decided to give her self to Benlow and she basically tells him she is no longer fighting destiny (OH SOOKIE BE YOUR OWN AGENT OF CHANGE). They find Benlow but he has been drained (yet alive?) by Eric. ERIC FTW! 

The Good

Sookie trying to work out what she is going to do. It’s nice to see her really trying to think about things instead of just doing them regardless of how they will affect her. I also liked her telling off her parents. Paquin can rock some tearful angry crying. I know she decided to go with Benlow in the end but at least she spent an entire episode thinking about it. I think this is why she went to Sam’s because she was thinking about ALL her options for the future (though why they had to include a man makes me roll my fucking eyes).

Sookie on dating

The INSANELY CRAY CRAY

Anna Camp fighting the True Blood lady was AWESOME.

Sarah and her pants suit

Pantsuit of POWER, BITCHES!!!

The Bad

Jessica and James is boring. Jason and Violet is double boring. Alcide is improving but I’m still sad that Joe is being wasted. NOT ENOUGH LALA!

Eric fuck off

Fuck off show for wasting NELSAN ELLIS!

Photos and gifs from, HBO, imhereforsookietempellamarvelandwhimsy, brodysjennertrubieholicjocelyncarterspeachiex, and ravenclawinabluebox.