Previously on True Blood, we had FUN at vampire camp! Okay we DID NOT have fun at vampire camp because everyone that we love is there and it’s not going well. Jason slept with Anna Camp, but then had to join the anti-vampire police to SAVE Jessica. Bill found Ben, Ben was not happy about re-meeting his maker. AND Sookie was about to be drowned by a possessed Lala.
- Because Bill can sense Sookie he sets Ben free to save her. She has Ben blast Lala with his light in hopes it will release Lala from the spirit of her fucked up father. It works, Sookie is smart but unfortunately she is the damsel in distress again. SOOKIE WHY DIDN’T YOU HIT LALA WITH YOUR LIGHT?
- Pam and Eric FLY! Or rather hover kind of awesomely and then pull the guards out and kill them. Then Eric threatens Steve Newlin.
- Sookie and Ben explain what he is to Lala who is incredulous and hilarious. Then Bill tries to call Ben back to him but Sookie transports Ben to fairyland. Finally she does something cool to fuck with Bill.
- Jason has one AWESOME interview to become a vampire cop.
- In order to communicate with Lilith, Bill tells the Japanese doctor to put him in a coma. The Japanese doctor informs Bill that “all you people are crazy,” I feel like he is talking about this show.
- Andy names his daughter, it’s a really long hyphenate.
- Terry goes to Lala and gives him the key to his safe deposit box. Lala calls Arlene. Lala is the only fucking person on this show who always does the sane thing. Terry comes over crazy, he calls Terry’s wife. Arlene freaks out to Holly. Holly has the awesome idea of having a vampire glamour the bad memories away from Terry.
- NORA! I was wondering where she was. She and Eric call each other siblings and say how much they love one each other. GROSS. She is injected with something bad.
- LILITH HAS CLOTHES! Thank Christ! It’s too bad her minions are still naked and bloody.
- Sam sends Emma off with her grandma. Alcide finds Sam and asks him if he is going to kill them. Joey Man LOOKED way pissed at comic con and the rumors are because he hates his story-line this season and I don’t blame him.
- Holly and Arlene invite a vampire in during a blood shortage. I don’t think this is very smart. I kind of hope Arlene dies so that Carrie Preston can be on The Good Wife full-time. Think of how awesome Elspeth would be at Cary and Alicia’s new firm. The vampire is good and now I feel bad for thinking he would eat them. [WHAT CARY AND ALICIA HAVE A NEW FIRM???!!! I am so far behind on everything. Also that is a great idea Katie, but they should hire Meryl’s daughter as well since her shitty CW medical show was cancelled.-M]
- Jason telling the guys at vampire camp about taking down the authority, is HILARIOUS. Jason is kind of a bad ass with Sarah Newlin. He tells her that he is saving Jessica and if she tries to stop him he will tell the Governor she is a “whore for Christ.” I’M SHOCKED that he pulls this off!
- Willa and the Governor talk about her kind and about that fact she wants to be in gen pop and not in solitary. It’s BORING!
- Bill takes Ben’s blood and goes out in the sun. He survives which is unfortunate.
- Sarah Newlin fucks with Jason by making him watch Jessica have sex with a really really hot vampire. I think it’s the kid who played the long-lost brother on Brothers & Sisters. He refuses because he is a vampire NOT a rapist. They blast him with sunlight twice, so she tells him that she will sleep with him. Poor Jason gets tears in his eyes. Because he is NOT a rapist the guy refuses so they zap him with light many more times because it’s cruel and extremely heavy-handed cause this show never does anything subtle.
- At Merlotte’s Terry is really happy and Arlene thanks Lala for saving her marriage and then Terry goes out to the dumpster and gets shot in the neck and because Carrie Preston is the BEST EVER I ALMOST CRY WHILE TERRY DIES IN HER ARMS! But I don’t cause fuck that shit I am not shedding tears because of this stupid show so I refuse to look at the screen while Carrie Preston cries.
- Then Bill tries to be a bad ass (someone on twitter was like this Bill story-line would be cool if it was someone other than Bill and it’s so true, Bill is such a goober). Bill tears the Governor’s head off, it would be so much more bad ass if it were Eric or anybody else.
- Eric summons Willa and it is TOO FUCKING EASY for her to escape (I don’t care that Tara helps her it’s fucking ridiculous). Like why the fuck didn’t they think of that earlier. All the vampires are dumb. Eric finds out that the Governor is tainting the True Blood with whatever they gave Nora (I think it is Vampire Aids). At first Eric only wants to save Pam but Willa (who I kind of like) wants to save Tara and Tara’s friend Jessica.
- Sookie calls herself a whore and then lets Ben feed off her. Then she feeds off him and then takes his pants off. Then takes all her clothes off and fucks him. OH SOOKIE! They glow when they do it and that’s the end of the episode. THE FUCK!
Eric and Pam working together to take down the guards instead of even thinking about fighting each other. This gave me hope that this show might be able to right itself. But then there was the glowing vagina.
Eric threatening Steve Newlin.
The INSANELY CRAY CRAY
Sookie fucking Ben, both stupid and crazy. Also a glowing vagina is a new one for this show.
Stephen Moyer as a menace to society is HILARIOUS AND BAD!
The entire escape was DUMB. If it was that fucking easy why didn’t they do it last week?