Smart ladies love dumb TV, True Blood recap, Fire in the Hole

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Previously on True Blood, Jason had the sex dream we have been waiting for, Pam FINALLY found Eric but he has Hep-V, and the Bon Temps chapter of the Scooby Gang realized if they didn’t deal with the Hep-V zombie vamps they would end up dead –FUN???

This week in Beyoncé

This week starts with a video of Bey and all of the dancers dressed in all white looking regal as hell then turns into Bey rocking out to “Run the World (Girls).” It’s a pretty awesome and seamless compilation video of all the various performances (AND costumes) she gave while performing “Girls” during the Mrs. Carter World Tour and makes me sad I never got to go!

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This week in Bon Temps…

  • ANNA CAMP is back and apparently Sarah Newlin is in hiding at an ashram in LA. I don’t care where Sarah is I’m just glad she is back because I love her and the crazy she brings to this show. Let’s hope she monologues to a head or kills somebody with a stiletto heel.

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  • Eric sick is still the lovable asshole we adore. He is sad that everyone he loves is dead. I love that sad Eric reclines in a fancy chaise with terrible hair given to him by the nutcase costumer on The Giver (I would love the hear that person reasoning for those bangs.), sad Eric knows how to be sad. We get an awesome Eric flashback in which Skarsgård is forced to wear a hilarious 80s wig (Not nearly as awesome as Lee Pace’s hair in Halt and Catch Fire but close. Also why am I still watching Halt and Catch Fire?) and speak French. We also get to see his bare ass. It’s apparently the 80s and Eric and Pam have not paid taxes to THE AUTHORITY and are therefore in trouble. Pam’s 80s hair is pretty fucking fantastic.

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SASS!

Eric + Pam = SASS!

  • We also get to see Joey Man in pj pants and nothing else, this episode is pretty fantastic in the beefcake department. He is pretty pissed off Sookie has left the house. I might have to give Alcide a talking to on relationships.
  • Bill and Sookie drive off into the night and Sookie has to take Bill’s blood because after he was drained at the end of last season his bond with Sookie is gone. BORING!
  • Adalyn is in a holding cell with Wade the son of Holly’s she has a crush on and just as they are about to make out Jessica and Andy show up to rescue them.
  • Sam has a heart-to-heart with the good Reverend Daniels. Sam has to leave when Tara’s mom comes in high on V. Sam and his vampire friend Matt come across the crazy townsfolk’s who kill the vampire and tell Sam he is no longer mayor. I hope these assholes die sooner rather than later.
  • Jason asks Violet for a baby and she tells him he is acting like a girl. I hate Violet’s antiquated idea of masculinity as much as Jason does having to constantly hear about not being “A MAN. ” As with most shit with Violet it’s a waste of Ryan Kwanten’s talents. Thankfully it is interrupted by Andy, Jessica, and the teens who ask them to help protect Sookie.
  • Lala dancing is AMAZING and might be my favorite part of this episode. James comes over to get stoned and because he is dealing with Jessica’s shit. I love how these two are like on their own little magical island. Dudes, don’t go outside there is a band of vigilante motherfuckers and they are bad news.

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  • Back at Fangtasia the zombie vamps are worried about food and Holly is trying to use her magic to protect the hostages but instead the Vamps decide to take her with them to get more food. I like Holly I hope she doesn’t die.
  • Sookie and Bill are hanging out in the woods using her as bait instead of going to Fangtasia the vampire bar with the dungeon. She and Bill talk about her relationship with Alcide. Apparently she is sad Alcide is the person in their relationship who loves more. I know I criticize Bill a lot but I thought for sure he was smart enough to think of Fangtasia as a possible zombie vamp hide-out.

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  • Andy, Violet, Jessica and Jason encounter the townsfolk’s. Jessica is shot and Violet kills Mrs. Foytenberry who has been marked for death since season 3. They are able to rescue Holly’s other son Rocky from the horde of idiots, I guess this is a win.
  • Lala and James are bonding over funk music and drugs.

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  • Sookie is kind of pissed that the Hep-V Zombie vamps haven’t caught on to her sent. She and Bill talk about war and we get a flashback of Bill going off to the Civil War. I miss Eric and Pam in the 80s, now that was a fun flashback.
  • Reverend Daniels gives Willa his life story while she eats off of him. I like Willa and Reverend Daniels but not enough for all of their screen-time it also makes me sad they killed off Tara who was on this show from the first episode –OH TARA YOU WERE SO WRONGED! The Reverend rescinds Willa’s invitation because she is bad for Lettie Mae.
  • James is totally falling for Lala and it’s the best thing on this show.  I would seriously watch the two of them get stoned and listen to 70s funk and/or disco for an hour every week.

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  • YAY BACK TO FRANCE IN THE 80s! Oh NO Eric and Pam are attacked by Samurai Sword wielding members of the authority who make him choose between Pam and the French girl. In present time Pam begs Eric to live but he tells her he is done until she tells him that Sarah Newlin LIVES. OH THANK CHRIST, the three best characters on the show will have a fantastic show down.
This hair is a thing of beauty.

This wig is a thing of beauty.

  • At the Ashram Sarah is fucking the Guru when the Samurai Sword wielding authority dudes come in looking for her (she killed one of their members last year with a high heel). She apparently lives to see another episode and hopefully to die at the hands of Eric and Pam. Let’s hope it’s after a quip off.
  • Sookie and Bill find Holly wandering dazedly in the woods. As Sookie goes to hug Holly they are attacked by the hep-v vamps but are aided by the Scooby gang when it seems like they are going to be taken. Just as everything is fine Alcide is shot and killed by one of the nutcase townsfolk hiding in a bush.
Alcide before he died.

Alcide before he died. Such a waste of beefcake!!!

The Good…

ANNA FUCKING CAMP!

I HAVE MISSED YOU!!!

I HAVE MISSED YOU!!!

The Bad…

ALCIDE DIED! Joey Man is from Pittsburgh assholes!!! You don’t mess with those from the BURGH!!!

The WTF…

TrueBlood_EP03_EricsPANTS

RAWR!!! Okay maybe his hair is better than Lee’s.

Eric and Pam’s hair in the 80’s flashbacks is AWESOME but not as AWESOME as Eric’s pleated blue linen pants or Skarsgård’s bulky Tarzan physique –RAWR.

Next week kids it looks like people finally realize Fangtasia is where the nest is (and by people I think it’s Pam and Eric who own Fangtasia and who are arguably the smartest people on this show, well them and Lafayette who is spending the apocalypse stoned and listening to records) AND it looks like the zombie vamps may try to kill Arlene.

Stills and gifs from ofalltimegossipfeastblaineswolfskarsjoyskarsgardfansmariahcareyslostinthedarkfantasy, and askarsswedishmeatballs. Beyonce gif from here beycreative.

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