Smart ladies love dumb TV, True Blood recap, Fuck the Pain Away

| 1 Comment

Previously on True Blood, Blood Demon Bill and his idiot kid kidnapped Andy’s fairy daughters with the promise of beer and Kools, Eric turned Willa into a vampire, and both Niall (every time I think of Rutger Hauer’s name on this show I think about One Directioner Niall Horan AKA the only one I don’t routinely want to punch in the face –wash your fucking hair, Styles) and Sookie figured out Ben is Warlow (I mean come on every time Warlow was mentioned in his presence he looked pained), unfortunately for Niall that meant Warlow sent him into a hell dimension (that never ended well on either Buffy or Angel, just ask Vincent Kartheiser).

jasonconfused

It’s cool Jason I am usually fucking confused by this show TOO!

This week:

  • Sookie doesn’t by Warlow/Ben’s bullshit about how they are destined to be together. Ben (because Warlow is a dumb name and I like this guy he was in Pacific Rim –which I loved BTW) tells Sookie that her parents were trying to kill her and that’s why he killed them. She calls him a “filthy fucking liar” and then Bill comes in and as Ben’s maker (since technically he is thanks to drinking Lilith’s blood) commands him to follow him home. POOR BEN!

sookiedoesntgiveashitanymore

  • Because she is high on fairy blood Jessica tries to fuck Bill –GROSS!
JessicatriestomakeoutwithBill

I’m not sure I could ever be high enough to make out with Stephen Moyer.

  • Andy finds one of his daughters alive and it’s sad. He gives her V so that she will live and it’s touching
  • Sarah tries to convince the Governor that once a loved one is a vampire they are dead forever. She then tells him that they should have a baby.
TrueBlood_ep5_13

“When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!”

  • 3500 BC back story of Ben and Lilith. Fun! What’s not so fun: watching Ben and NAKED LILITH (does that actress ever get to wear clothes) have sex and then Lilith turning into Bill (GROSS). Bill tells Ben that he will save them all (Ben who would rather not be a vampire is like FUCK I hate you).
  • After being spurned by the Governor, Sarah goes to Jason’s. She tells him that she truly believes that god wants her to fuck him. Good for you Anna Camp!

TrueBlood_ep5_12

SarahandJason_1

SarahandJason_2

  • Alcide goes to The Unfriendly Possum Bar & Grill looking for Sam. He finds his dad and they fight cause Alcide is now a DICK. Joey Man is completely wasted on this show, so is Robert Patrick.
  • Jessica goes to Jason’s because of what she did to Andy’s kids. She ask him if he loved her,while Sarah is in the other room! Oh Jason, you man whore! Sarah calls the anti-vampire police and has Jessica arrested but not before telling Jason that “my body is a fucking temple and you defiled it with your vampire loving pecker.” –THANK CHRIST FOR ANNA CAMP!

Mybodyisatemple_1

Mybodyisatemple_2

  • Eric and Tara in an effort to save Pam turn themselves over to Camp Truman. I hope Eric has a plan but I kind of feel like he might just be winging it and that worries me. I think Eric might have spent the last 1000 years on hedonistic pursuits and not scholarly studies which might have come in handy right about now. He was a Viking so maybe he does know about defensive strategy but I’m not sure he will be able to flirt and fuck his way out of Camp Truman.  Seeing him in a blue jumpsuit is kind of hilarious.

ericinprison_1

ericinprison_2

  • Pam is in therapy which is HILARIOUS! Eric has to play a game with four other vampires in which the vamp who loses gets shot, he wins.
  • Sookie seeks out Lafayette’s help in the whole Warlow bullshit. YAY LAFAYETTE! This show needs so much more Lala and so much less bullshit like Bill. I also am loving tough Sookie this season (that’s right Melissa I want more Anna Paquin).
  • Arlene needs a better story-line than the one she is involved in. Why isn’t she helping Andy with the girls instead she is stuck with Terry who wants to die because he killed Noel from Felicity which was a really fucking dumb story-line and I wish we would just fucking forget it.
TrueBlood_ep5_4

You deserve better Carrie Preston…so do you Zack from Gilmore Girls!

  • Andy goes to Holly with his only baby. He tells her he is going to put a wooden bullet through Bill (PLEASE) but she reminds him that Bill is stronger. IT”S SO SAD!

TrueBlood_ep5_9

  • Jessica and Tara together in vampire prison is both heartwarming and sad.
  • Pam in therapy is HILARIOUS! And yet I’m fairly sure this will bite her in the ass.
  • Jason joins the anti-vampire police in an effort to save JESSICA! Thank fucking Christ, Jason is always good at inadvertently saving everyone.
  • Sookie and Lafayette hold a séance to talk to her parents and she finds out that when they found out that she belonged to Ben and that she was a fairy her father tried to kill her. Then her father’s soul went into Lala and he kidnapped her. He then drives her to the lake and tries to drown her.

TrueBlood_ep5_11

  • Ben is in a cell with the poor Japanese blood manufacturer and we had another flashback this time of Ben killing his entire village then killing Lilith. I’m liking Ben more and more. Also self righteous Bill is the most annoying Bill of all.
  • Eric and Pam are released into a room both with stakes and are told to fight to the death! FUCK THIS SHOW!

pamanderic_1

The Good

Sookie as her own agent of change is such a bright spot. Anna Paquin is great when she doesn’t have to play a damsel in distress.

The INSANELY CRAY CRAY

Lafayette as Sookie’s dad was cray cray and also amazing acting by Nelsan Ellis.

The Bad

Fuck this show if Eric kills Pam or if Pam kills Eric. FUCK THIS SHOW!

As usual thank goodness for tumblr, all gifs from, johnkrasinskiravenclawinablueboxpeachiexbestprankevertempella, and marvelandwhimsy

[I have to say, I love all the cussing in this show. though my hatred of Stephen Moyer will not ever allow me to watch it. -M]