Previously on True Blood, Eric FINALLY used his thinker and started prison break, Jessica fell in love with a vamp who is NOT a rapist, Terry died (one less story we need to keep track of), Bill injected himself with Ben’s blood and killed the Governor in the DAYLIGHT, AND Sookie and Ben did the nasty in the cemetery fairyland (GLOWING VAGINA).
- Eric excapes with Nora but first he sets a newly badass Willa to go look for Pam. He promises her he will come back for them but she is all “bitch I got this.” I really like tough Willa. She continues her badass streak with Pam who is condescending but Willa is all “bitch watch your tone.” LOVE IT!
- The prison goes on lock-down because of Eric’s escape.
- Eric begs Bill the blood demon to save Nora. Nora doesn’t want Bill’s blood (I don’t blame her) but Eric demands Bill give it to her but even Bill’s like “dude this blood is fucked-up and I won’t go against her dying wish.” Then Eric screams at him to leave. Eric Northman over 1000 years old but still a petulant asshole when he doesn’t get his way.
- ANNA CAMP in a car with a praise self-help book on CD…GOD IS GOOD! She then finds Truman’s head and performs a whole monologue and it’s AMAZING. Dear show, I understand that she is now the BIG BAD but let’s not kill her, let’s make her a vampire with BIG HAIR. She get’s this show. GOD IS GOOD!
- Sarah convinces a LA senator to help her keep the Governor’s death a secret so she can eradicate vampires and become a kick-ass politician.
- I like Sookie and Ben but I find them highly boring. I am also already over seeing Sookie’s boobs. When they wake up Ben is very needy and says he wrote their wedding vows. Sookie is like “bitch please.” She hears Arlene crying over Terry in the cemetery. She leaves Ben in the cemetery fairyland.
- Arlene and Sookie share a moment and Carrie Preston kickass! Anna Paquin is also really good in this scene. ACTING!
- Sam calls Lala and is informed that Terry is dead. Sam tells Nicole they have to go back. I’m hoping now that Sam is going back to Bon Temps and his friends and away from Nicole he can get a better fucking story-line!
- Back at the Bellefleur plantation, Sookie brings Arlene back home to Andy, Holly and Lala so that she can tell the kids that Terry is dead. Lala and Sookie go to the bank to look inside the safe deposit box Terry left Lala.
- Back in vamp jail Jessica is reunited with Jason. However, this is not like the Peaches & Herb classic, as it seems that Jess is smitten with James the vampire who is NOT a rapist. She asks Jason if she can thank James for not raping her.
- Nicole seduces Sam in the shower. Jurnee Smolett can’t leave this show to go to Parenthood fast enough. She is too fucking good, FUCK Sam Tramell is too fucking good for this dumb as fuck story-line. Sam, your girlfriend died like a week ago and Nicole your friends died like 4 days ago.
- Sookie and Lala find out that Terry took out a very large life insurance policy three days before he died. They realize that he killed himself and it’s sad.
- Alcide takes his dad home and goes to meet the pack…BORING! I’m going to start selling “Free Alcide” t-shirts.
- Nicole goes home with her mom. Bye Nicole!
- Jason brings James to Jess and then she asks him to go outside. Poor sad Jason. Jessica asks James why he didn’t just you know fuck her and he is like he feels like vampires choose to give up their soul he chose to keep his. She then asks him to make love to her because they are going to die (she tells him about the hep v in the True Blood and I think I missed the part where Willa told her and Tara). Then they fuck on the conference table with poor Jason right outside.
- Eric pledges his allegiance to Bill (and I groaned). Bill tells Eric about his vision of everyone dying and that Ben’s blood is allowing him to go out in the day. But Bill has to give Nora his blood. When Bill’s blood doesn’t work Eric wants Bill to get Ben so that Nora can have his blood.
- Arlene drunk and sad is lovely acting. Lala offers he drugs. It’s always awesome to have a reformed drug dealer in the family. Bill comes over to fuck up the party and ask Sookie where Ben is. Bill gives his condolences to Arlene who thinks he is a hallucination. Bill then tells Andy how sorry he is for his loss and then threatens him about coming after Jessica (see internet this is why Bill fucking sucks that is a shit thing to do). Bill convinces her to help them by telling her about his vision. Sookie and Bill are terrible together. Sookie is so much better when she isn’t anywhere near Bill. His acting is the WORST.
- Pam in therapy. She decides to seduce her therapist. I would like to know where all of the ladies are getting eye make-up in prison. She tells him she will fuck him to get into gen. pop.
- Sarah tells Jason that the Governor is dead and sends him into female gen pop. Tara saves him but has to give him to the lady vamp who saved her and Jess a couple of weeks ago.
- Alcide finds out his pack had a coupe and that they have Nicole and her mom. This is the never ending shitty story-line.
- Eric prays to Godric to save Nora. We then get a flashback to Eric and Nora in 1665–it is terrible, like ALL True Blood flashbacks. It was Eric who found Godric and gave her to him to save her from the plague because she was stubborn. She tells him in her dying breath to be a better person to Pam and Willa. Then she turns into a blood bag. Gross! And sad! But mainly gross!
All the acting regarding Terry was lovely by all involved except Bill (I wonder if Bill is better in England, I should watch that miniseries NY-LON on Netflix with him and Rashida Jones).
The INSANELY CRAY CRAY
Sarah’s Shakespearean soliloquy to the severed head of the Governor. Oh, Anna Camp you complete me.
Blood bag Nora. GROSS.
I’m kind of sad that there was a lot of sex but no glowing vaginas. This is crazy because why on earth would a person want glowing vaginas but I feel that they make the sex more FUN rather than sad sex between Nicole and Sam/Jessica and James. No more sad sex, show, NO MORE!
Eric’s flashback hair is always the worst but it does bring a smile to my face. His vaguely British accent is also kind of terrible. I think he also added a lisp which made me giggle.
Bill, as usual, drives me crazy. I wish he was more sincere with Andy and less of a dick. ALSO are we supposed to think Bill is a god? And that the other religious people on the show like Sarah are bad? OR is Jessica right when she brings up the fact that the shit in the vampire bible is just as fucked up as the shit in the old testament AND therefore people need to be more concerned about getting Lilith out of Bill. I hate to say it but I prefer sanctimonious Bill who hated being a vampire because it was a lonely life than sanctimonious Bill the blood demon who thinks he is a god. OR can we just kill Bill. I guess I’m happy he, Sookie, and Eric (the DREAM team, EYEROLL) are going to save the rest (and lets face it better) vampires (FREE PAM)!