Smart ladies love dumb TV, True Blood recap, Jesus Gonna Be Here

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Previously on True Blood, ummm zombie vamps were descending upon the denizens of Bon Temps.

This week in Bon Temps…

At least we got to see Jason's ass.

At least we got to see Jason’s ass.

  • The zombie vamp massacre at Merlotte’s (or Bellefluers AKA The Rammer Jammer) ends with a mysterious whistle. It’s also the end of Tara’s (so long Rutina you were too good for this shitty show anyway). The zombie vamps kidnap Holly, Arlene, Nicole and a bunch of other townsfolk.
  • Sookie uses her telepathy and finds out nobody appreciates her or her vampire friends. She even hears boyfriend Alcide, which prompts Sookie to walk home alone and throw her phone in the pond. Sookie, of course, finds a dead girl on the road home or a zombie vamp–I don’t even know anymore. She just ignores it and goes home –good for you Sookie leave the shitty boyfriend and dead girl behind.
  • PAM is in Marrakesh! Man I wish this was just the Pam travel show. Pam is of course in some sort of Russian roulette game with the locals. She wins and gets the name of some dude who might know where Eric is. [I am all kinds of #TEAMPAM even though I don’t watch this show. -M]
  • Adalyn and Jessica kind of bond, even though Jessica tried to kill her and did kill her three sisters. The two are accosted by a zombie vamp and Jessica convinces Adalyn to drink her blood so that they have the blood bond.
  • Sookie yells at Alcide and tells him she needs to be alone. At least she is kind of grieving for Tara.
  • Jason is also sad that Tara is dead but he conveys this to stupid Violet (who I wish had died instead of Tara). The two of them come by a bunch of locals trying to stake zombie vamps and Violet is an asshole.
  • Lala takes Jessica’s boyfriend James home and they get high. Lala feels nothing about Tara’s death except all he wants to do is get drunk and high. All of James friends died in Vietnam but he was a draft dodger pacifist so he was beaten to death by one of his dead friends father’s and then made a vampire. James is kind of a boring hippy type (seriously, the fact that this is Lala’s love interest on this show is too fucking much).
  • Jason and Violet fuck on the hood of his patrol car. At least we get to see Ryan Kwanten’s ass.
  • Willa has to deal with Tara’s mom and stepdad. The stepdad the Reverend Daniels is nice but Tara’s mom is a drug addict hyped up on V. The Reverend takes Willa in and gives her a light-tight place to live now that Tara is dead and Eric and Pam are MIA.
  • Poor Pam is starving in Marrakesh but she won’t take a child’s blood. That Pam she has morals. She gets an ancient map to the Rhone (the river in Switzerland???) which is apparently where Eric is (OH GOD THIS SHOW IS SO FUCKING BAD –I will not take BatB for granted ever again).
Ummmm, where is Eric?

Ummmm, where is Eric?

  • Sookie relents and slips into bed with Alcide (Joey Man’s beard is pretty lovely). They do it because the power of that beard is strong.
  • Bill and Andy go searching for the zombie vamp nest. They of course visit an abandoned building and find a bunch of dead townsfolk AND those crappy locals Jason and Violet encountered who threaten Andy and Bill. Andy calms them down. I kind of wished he had either let them or killed Bill himself because it would have been shocking and kind of fun (also 9 episodes without Moyer would be nice).

Trueblood_ep701_AndyandBill

  • Of course the towns people are being held in the basement of Fangtasia (places to look, abandoned building OR vampire bar where the owner is known to be out of town AND has a known dungeon –Bill Compton fucking genius folks). I am now very worried for Arlene, Holly, and Nicole.
  • The vampire who was harassing Adalyn met the sun and died.

Trueblood_ep701_jessicaandadalyn

  • Everybody at Reverend Daniels church is anti-Sookie but she gives a passionate speech about her love for them and Bon Temps and that ALL she wants is to help bring down the zombie vamps. I should point out that it’s really not in any way Sookie’s fault; in fact, it’s more likely Bill’s since he was the only vampire who lived in Bon Temps but you know I should just turn off the logical part of my brain before I watch this shit-show. BUT REALLY NOBODY THOUGHT TO CHECK OUT FANGTASIA! REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!!? [FANGTASIA?? That is fucking terrible. -M]

The Good

Pam. Pam is always good.

Pam_1_TrubloodEp701 Pam_2_TrubloodEp701

The Bad

This episode was boring (so boring it might be hard to find fun gifs and pics), which is weird for True Blood because when it’s bad it’s at least bat shit crazy. Also poor poor Tara.

The what the fuck just happened

Nothing shocking happened which means this is the most boring episode ever. SO FUCKING BORING. So fucking boring I was actually excited to watch Halt and Catch Fire at ten which I only watch for Lee Pace’s hair and the possibility sad Gordon may not be sad anymore.

Next time kids on True Blood they look into what/who killed the dead girl Sookie found, Pam continues to search for Eric so this show can go back to being fun (I was trying to not bring it up since I’m so pro-Eric and may be biased but this show really needs ASkars), and more sex and stuff. Also next week we should get the first Beyonce concert. [Which I will be covering at the beginning of these recaps. Because I want to contribute and the way I can do that is Beyonce. -M]

Gifs and pics from imhereforsookiejenperoswedishfishrule, and skarsgardfans.