Smart ladies love dumb TV, True Blood recap, Karma

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Previously on True Blood, Eric and Pam (the only people to care about) dressed-up for a republican fundraiser and the gang back in Bon Temps threw a party in honor of Tara and Alcide (I MISS YOU ABS).

This week in Bon Temps

  • In Dallas Eric is wandering around the back halls of a convention center just holding the jaw he ripped off one of the Yakuza guys when he is attacked by about twenty of them. He has to stop fighting when he realizes that they have Pam in silver chains. The Yakuza drive around in brightly colored Japanese sports cars and I am reminded of Fast & Furious Tokyo Drift. They chain up our beloved heroes in front of a giant window and set a timer for sunset.
  • Bill has Hep-V so he does what people do when they are sick and Googles it. Bill is so boring. Jessica comes in and overhears him talking to a doctor about his condition (apparently he was calling a law office but he is so boring I have a tendency to drift off when he is on the screen).
  • James and Lala are the cutest. Lettie Mae is there and convinces James to give her his blood so that she can talk to Tara. Lala tells her he will do it too but that this is it has to be for closure. I hope this is the end of Lettie Mae. Isn’t Lala a medium couldn’t he contact Tara without drugs?
  • Jason has to go home to Violet after cheating on her with Jessica. Violet is crazy and a vampire she is like the worst person in the world to cheat on.
  • At the law office Bill has to take a number and wait 5-7 hours –it’s like the DMV.
  • Eric and Pam are greeted by Gus JR., North American president of the corporation that made True Blood which is bankrupt because Sarah Newlin and her cronies tainted it with Hep-V. He will let them go for information on Sarah Newlin. Eric being a giant belligerent asshole get’s into a pissing contest with Gus JR with about 3 minutes till the sun. Thankfully Pam is pragmatic and smart and makes a deal with Gus JR to find and kill Sarah Newlin.

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  • Meanwhile Sarah Newlin herself breaks into her sisters house.
  • Jessica calls Jason to talk about Bill while Violet is a pretending to be asleep. I am worried Violet may kill Jason which would be awful since he is such a consistent source of comic relief. Jessica tells him to go get Sookie and bring her to Bill’s. Jason finds Sookie  but she is hung over and still sleeping.
  • Andy catches Adilyn and Wade having sex. It puts a wrench in his engagement to Holly.
  • Lala and Lettie Mae do V and see Tara up on her cross with the snake. Lala is able to get her down but then she runs away. She brings them to the house she lived in as a child. They are interrupted by the Reverend who I think breaks up with Lettie Mae. Lala believes that Tara is trying to tell them something –AGAIN isn’t Lala a medium who can talk to the dead OR have we just decided to forget about that plot-line from season 5.

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  • Nicole has had enough of Bon Temps and is moving home. She tells Sam he is the mayor of crazy –Jurnee Smollett was always to good for this show.
  • Jessica tells Sookie and Jason that Bill has Hep-V. Sookie realizes she gave Bill her blood so Jason takes her to a clinic to get tested.
  • While waiting at the law office Bill has weird Hep-V systems probably because he was a vampire god last season.

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  • Arlene tries to get Holly and Andy to forgive each other. They do and then go home to talk to the kids only to find that they have run off to Fort Bellefleur.
  • Sookie and Jason hang out after her test. She mainly talks about Bill and he talks about Violet which makes it SOOOOOOOO boring. Sookie finally gets her results and they are not good –I kind of love that Sookie has basically doomed Bill to death.
  • The lawyer tries to extort Bill so he kills her. I like Bill better when he is kicking ass and taking names –did I just say something nice about Bill?
  • Sarah tries to sweet talk Amber into letting her stay at her house. She tells Amber that they created an antidote and that she drank it making her the antidote. She is  savior NOT a monster. She is no longer Sarah she is NUME –get it “new me”. I don’t care who she is if she wasn’t played by Anna Camp this would be ridiculous but Anna sells it.

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  • Sookie and Jessica cry about Sookie giving Bill Hep-V.
  • Violet writes Jason a note saying she left him, then goes after Adilyn and Cody in the treehouse at Fort Bellefleur –RUH-ROH!
  • Eric, Pam, Gus Jr., and the Yakuza descend on Amber’s house. They find Amber heeled.
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This whole thing was like a poor mans homage to Tarantino’s Kill Bill Volume 1.

  • Bill arrives home with a hung head. He finds Jessica and Sookie crying.

The Good

Sarah Newlin being a nutjob and Pam NOT AMUSED are always the best things on True Blood.

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The Bad

This episode was boring. I mean nothing except the Pam and Eric shit happened last week BUT last week had a bunch of drunk people and this week Bill was basically at a worse DMV and Pam and Eric spent a lot of the episode in chains.

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This is how I felt at the end of the episode except my tears were of boredom NOT because Bill is dying.

WTF…

ummmm…

Next week kids everyone searches for either a cure for Bill, Adilyn, or Sarah Newlin.

Stills from HBO and gifs from gifthetvtruetothend, and themiseducationofb.

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