Smart ladies love dumb TV, True Blood recap, Life Matters

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Previously on True Blood, Sookie decided that she WOULD be willing to sell herself to Benlow (OH Sookie you need to take my Women Studies course with Vincent from BATB), Bill learned that Eric is petulant and a badass (you better not leave this show Alexander Skarsgard), Arlene wanted carnations (GOD DAMMIT), Jason “married” a vampire named Violet (another fucking brunette on this fucking show makes me want to die, it’s so fucking confusing) and Sam knocked up Nicole and could tell just by sniffing her (GROSS).

Eric1

Eric 2

Eric 3

This week:

  • Sookie chooses saving Benlow over helping Bill and then banishes Bill from fairyland with her “light” but only after Benlow tells her to because she can only be damsel-in-distress or badass never both (OH SHOW!).

Eric fucked our deal

  • Arlene wears a veil to Terry’s funeral (I’m thinking Lala dressed her).
  • Sookie tells Benlow that she is his because she made him a promise and she intends to keep it (GROWN). She does make Terry’s funeral and she makes eyes with Alcide (who is there WHY???).
Alcide at Terry's funeral

Because everyone including Alcide needs some happiness (HOPEFULLY YOU GET A GOOD STORY-LINE NEXT YEAR JOEY MAN).

  • Eric basically slaughters all of the guards at the camp. He kills some dude by ripping off his junk –HILARIOUS! Eric is so much fun and Bill is a giant drip. Bill is the milquetoast of vampires. Eric FREES all the vampires!
Eric frees the vamps

Eric is the king of PIZAZZ!

  • While the core cast gives eulogies we get flashbacks with Terry (this is also weird cause we keep going from Terry’s funeral to vamp camp, back to vamp camp turning into a den of death). Carrie Preston does at one point make me want to cry but I am better than that.
  • Eric tells the vampires to kill all the humans (this reminds me of XMen 2, which I watched on Saturday). Eric finds Jason and heals him with is blood (OH PLEASE GOD LET THERE BE A JASON/ERIC SEX DREAM IN OUR FUTURE, COME ON SHOW DO IT).

Eric & Jason 03

Eric & Jason 04

Eric & Jason 01

Eric & Jason 02

  • Anna Camp is hiding among the dead bodies at the camp, so crafty that Anna.

Anna Camp fixing her hair

  • Jason in the background while Eric questions the therapist is funny. If Eric leaves the show I will watch just for Jason being stupid and HOT. Anyway, the therapist taunts Eric about sleeping with Pam but Eric doesn’t kill him instead he keeps him alive so that Pam can kill him.
  • Eric finds GINGER!

GINGER

  • I could watch Anna Camp quoting the bible all the fucking time. She does this while opening up the ceiling to the white room. But unfortunately Bill has given himself to the vampires in the room to drink his MAGIC blood. So to all the Bill fans HE was selfless and Eric killed all the humans. Eric’s way was more fun. Basically in this episode Bill just followed Eric around and made judgmental eye-rolls about Eric’s actions (if Bill kills Eric I am fucking done with this show, regardless of Ryan Kwanten). Eric does come in and kills Steve Newlin, who tells the world he loved Jason Stackhouse before he dies. Eric and Pam have a touching moment and then Eric gives her the therapist to kill.

I love you jason stackhouse 1

I love you jason stackhouse 2

  • All the vampire act like fairies in the sun. Terry is dead motherfuckers stop acting like HIPPIES.
  • Bill sees all the naked bloodied Liliths because HE IS DYING, PLEASE LET HIM BE DYING!?!
  • Jason realizes that Anna Camp is still running free, so he goes after her. I don’t want Jason to kill Anna Camp she is my FAVORITE. She and Eric make this show so much FUN! JASON LET”S HER GO –THANK YOU JESUS!
  • The vampires trash the tainted Tru Blood (this is how the bottled beverage is spelled on the show because THAT ISN”T CONFUSING).
  • The naked Liliths try to kill Bill but he doesn’t want to die. Jessica and James feed him their blood because they are actively killing my JOY! Bill is alive, Jessica and James are my least favorite people on this show.

Bill and Jessica

  • The episode ends with Pam and Eric longingly looking at each other, her telling him not to go and then him flying away (thank Christ he isn’t dead). AND next week we get a time jump so hopefully Eric will get a nice vacation and come back all rested and tan.
Goodbye Pam 1

Oh Pam!

Goodbye Pam 2

And then the nod –THE FEELS!!!

The Good

Jason taunting Anna Camp and then letting her go. His taunts were great and both of them played it way over the top which was brilliant. AGAIN LETS REJOICE THAT SARAH NEWLIN IS NOT DEAD! May she regain power and go after Jason and our beloved vamps.

The INSANELY CRAY CRAY

Eric ripping off the doctor’s junk was AWESOME! It was especially hilarious because I did not see it coming. I love that Eric just rips shit out of people, it’s so badass. I also loved all the fleeting camera shots of the junk. This is what you do best show.

JUNK

The Bad

The funeral would have been so much more moving had it not been cut with all of the fucked up vamp camp shit.

Bloodied Liliths (BAND NAME –CALLING IT) are disgusting and I hope we never have to see them again. I blame Bill for all of the bloodied merkins I have had to look at this season.

That doctor Eric/Bill killed was basically the Joseph Mengele of vamp camp (or rather who the show wants to make a point is like Joseph Mengele). I find this whole vamp camp like Auschwitz thing exploitative and terrible.

RIP Steve Newlin you should know that I will miss you and your dancing. [I still don’t know which one Steve Newlin is but I really enjoy this gif. RIP, Steve. -M]

Steve Newlin dancing

Gifs from mametupamickeymaguiresimhereforsookiefullmetalsabatermarvelandwhimsycanadianbeaversloveaskars, and tempella.