Previously on True Blood, we got the Fangtasia back story we didn’t know we needed until it happened AND the Fangtasia Hep-V zombie vamps AND nutzo townsfolk were all killed.
This week in Beyoncé…
Bey, in various bodysuits, calls out the names of the cities she’s in and the crowd goes wild. It takes a while before music actually starts and I am annoyed. “Get Me Bodied” is a classic exuhcise song from B’Day, the Bey record I have listened to the least. If I saw her play, this is when I would go to the bathroom.
There’s lots of solid dancing though!
This week in Bon Temps…
- Eric, Pam, and Willa have a less than happy family reunion which ends with Eric releasing Willa and Pam and Eric on their way to Dallas. Poor Ginger demands that Eric fuck her–it is sad, pathetic, and hilarious all at the same time (you are a treasure Tara Buck).
- Lala comes over to comfort Sookie and for the first time in a very long time I feel bad for her (Nelsan Ellis you make everything magical, I hope you have a fabulous career). Lala puts her to sleep and when she wakes up John Doggett (Alcide’s dad, Mulder’s replacement in the X-Files) is at her house and it’s decorated for a party. Sookie is kind of mad that while she was a sleep everyone planned a party instead of a wake. Sookie your boyfriend with the best pair of abs on True Blood (which is saying a lot when you think of ALL of the abs on True Blood) has died, get stoned and party with Lala. Sookie invites Bill in –Bill is so boring.
- Pam and Eric play a visit to Sarah’s sister Amber the vampire. She has a tragic back-story, Hep-V, and also wishes her “perfect” sister dead. She tells the dynamic duo that Sarah is in town staying with their parents and that they are going to a fundraiser for Ted Cruz at the Bush Museum but that they will never get in because they only let in assholes. Eric assures her that’s not a problem.
- Alcide and Tara’s party is pretty fantastic. Drunk Arlene is always the best Arlene but it is ruined by a Bill Compton flashback to Civil War times. Bill of course has mixed feelings for serving for the Confederates. I am so tired of the Bill Compton is no longer an asshole train this show has decided we need to go down for the inevitable Sookie and Bill reunion ending. Sookie wears a yellow sundress to the party with matching keds.
- Lettie Mae comes to the party and gives a speech about Tara and it’s not awful. I am still pissed off that we have to spend so much time with Lettie Mae when Tara was the better character.
- Andy and Jessica have a heart-to-heart and HOPEFULLY she will become less whiny. Andy tells her they have to start living life and that he would like to propose to Holly but he doesn’t have a ring. With the blessing of Jason and Sookie Andy uses Gran’s engagement ring to propose to Holly. It’s sweet.
- Sookie and Arlene go upstairs to talk about their grief. If there is one thing I like about this season is that it’s giving a lot of our core cast some really great scenes both Arlene and Sookie are fantastic here.
- After Jessica blows off James he goes off with Lala and they flirt something awesome. They also make out on a porch swing. These two are so cute.
- Pam and Eric dress each other up like “republicunts” (which I am totally using from now on). Pam and all of us fans are deeply saddened by Eric being stage 2 Hep-V.
- Arlene gets hit on by the vampire Keith who saved her life and it’ adorable.
- Jessica finds James and Lala fucking. She is pretty fucking upset, as one would be. She has Jason rescind James’ invitation. She then whines to Jason but Lala comes in and sets her straight about how she may not LOVE James as much as she thinks she does AND that while he has been helping all of his straight fucking friends get their shit together he would also enjoy LOVE and unlike Jessica he does KNOW who James is.
- Apparently Bill tried to lead a group of southerners and slaves up north so they wouldn’t have to fight in the Civil War. Bill is so tragic. Sookie goes out to talk to him and he points out that she has finally achieved his greatest dream “mainstreaming” as the party between the townsfolk and vampires is a hit (I would say that really Lafayette has achieved Bill’s goal of mainstreaming). They hug before he goes home –YAWN.
- Lettie Mae goes and stabs Willa and then Nicole points out to Sam and the whole party that Bon Temps is fucking crazy –good job
- Jason and Jessica talk about their mutual relationships and then kiss. I hope these to kids can have a happy ending but I don’t think Violet will be too happy about Jessica and Jason fucking. She looks pretty fucking pissed when she over hears them.
- Eric and Pam show up to the party. Eric in a cowboy hat and his ugly brown suit is pretty fucking hilarious. They go looking for her parents. Sarah is also at the party and her mother is played by Clare Danes mother in My So Called Life. Sarah’s mother is not happy to see her but decides to help her when the Yakuza show up. Both Sarahs parents are killed and she runs smack dab into Eric. He is just about to kill her when he sees the Yakuza so he lets her go and kills them instead –I guess cause they killed that French girl and made him work at a video store (okay that is a reason to hate them).
- Back at Sookie’s, the party is over and I feel super sad for her because she is now alone but John Dogget left her Alcide’s motorcycle jacket on her bed after he overheard Arlene tell her that’s how she got over Terry –I always loved John Dogget even though I was very pro-Mulder.
- I’m fairly sure the Bill Compton flashbacks have really changed up his storyline but I don’t really care because, as with most things Bill Compton-related, I’m just bored so I am not paying close attention. Bill takes a bath and when he gets out he notices the tell-tale veining of Hep-V.
Lettie Mae and Bill’s flashbacks continue to be a drag on the season. I actually don’t mind the flashbacks because Bill is the second lead character but the Lettie Mae shit is just a fucking drag.
Bill has Hep-V –come and watch True Blood season 7 where we kill off everyone.
Next week, kids, well I guess everyone is sad that Bill has Hep-V AND the Yakuza try to kill Eric and Pam –I say try because they better not fucking die with four episodes left of the season (Eric can go, as I have made peace with that when he was cast as Tarzan, but Pam better live, I can’t watch this shit without Pam).