Previously on True Blood, Eric and Bill broke everyone out of vamp camp, Sookie saved Benlow and then went to Terry’s funeral which was very long, and then Eric flew away. ERIC FLEW AWAY!
- According to EW we might see Eric’s penis so this bullet is the official start of the Eric’s penis countdown! If we get to the end and there is no penis I will be sad.
- Alcide waited for Sookie at the funeral to take her to the Belfluer’s (Note: This was totally shot later because Joey Man is wearing a HIDEOUS wig and he wasn’t in the last episode. HIDEOUS!). He wants to know what Sookie is thinking (I hope she left Benlow tied up in the fairy cemetery). They come across the high vamps from vamp camp. Alcide tries to stop Sookie from going to talk to her vamp friends. She mentions that Bill was right about everything. I hope Bill isn’t smug. I don’t think I can stand a smug Bill.
- NAKED vampires dancing to twenties music in underpants and/or naked. I have no thoughts other than it’s True Blood and therefore we need LOTS of nudity.
- Sookie meets Violet. I hate Violet. I hope she dies by the end of the episode.
- Bill sadly stares at Sookie getting hugged by Pam and Tara. He then looks so sad as she walks away and enters the fairy cemetery where Benlow is planing a wedding. He says he has been planning his wedding for 5000 years it should look beautiful. Benlow is such a girly girl. Sookie tells him that a life of eternity together deserves more than a bargain. She then asks him to date. He then attacks her. Oh Sookie, you really now how to pick a boyfriend.
- The vampires play volley ball to “Cannonball” by the Breeders which is such a good song after all these years.
- Pam leaves to go look for Eric because Pam is the bestest. Tara is of course pissed because she has abandonment issues (so do I Tara, I feel ya).
- Bill has no more powers. Bill is sad. Bill liked being special and he realizes he fucked Sookie over. He sold her to the devil. Yeah Bill you are a fucking ASSHOLE. Jessica tells Bill he has to save Sookie. I wish that Sookie would save her fucking self and blast Benlow with her nuclear ball of light.
- Bill tells Jason about Sookie and Jason is VERY pissed. Great another dude who is going to save Sookie. They come up with a plan to get Adalyn to help them enter the fairy cemetery. Jason goes to Andy for help because Sookie needs yet another dude to save her.
- Bill lets the Tru Blood scientist go. I don’t know why they felt that this warranted a minute of my time. Why couldn’t Bill randomly tell Jess, “I let that dude go from our basement dungeon” on the way to save Sookie so that we can get to ERIC’S PENIS!
- Andy and Adalyn join team save Sookie. I’m so fucking irritated, Pam better find Eric and his penis SOON.
- Benlow is fucking crazy but he is still hot. He tied Sookie to the May poll. And she finally tries to use her light but then he pulls her hands apart and ties them up. He then becomes a complete misogynist and is no longer so hot. ERIC. PENIS. NOW.
- Team Save Sookie consists of crazy Violet, Adalyn, Andy, Jason, and Bill. Bill attacks Benlow and they fight. The rest of the team brings Sookie back home where Violet gives her her blood. Bill is no match for Benlow since he is no longer Billith. Sookie, now high on vamp blood, hides in her bathroom and tries in vain to make a nuclear light ball. Benlow comes in, grabs her and is about to suck her dry when NIALL comes popping out of the bathroom fairy plain portal and holds Benlow so that Jason can stake him. With Benlow dead all of the vamps lose the power to be out on the sun.
- Which when we are taken to a mountaintop in Sweden where Eric, naked is reading a book and two things happen. First we kind of see his penis –PENIS– and second it looks like he meets the sun –PAM. On the one hand this show is going to fucking suck without Eric and on the other hand that was kind of an awesomely hilarious way for ASkars to leave True Blood so HUZZAH?!? NOPE not even close to HUZZAH Pam better fucking save is fucking PENIS. I’m just going to quietly weep for his hot, hot ass and this show. This show is so, so bad.
- We jump six months ahead to a report on Hep V. Eric deserved a better send off than he got (I can’t wait to read tumblr), we got half a fucking show about Terry’s funeral but we get a fade to black and then a “six months later”. FUCK YOU! PAM YOU BETTER BE BACK WITH A CRISPY BUT ALIVE ERIC IN SEASON 7.
- Bill wrote a book about being Billith being a god called And God Bled. HILARIOUS! Stephen Moyer is actually really good here –I’m shocked I think I might actually be in real shock from the Swedish mountain penis possible death –PENIS, confession I just like typing that word, I’m sorry.
- HOT ALCIDE! Alcide and Sookie are a couple and Alcide has short hair. Alcide is so fucking pretty. I might forget about Eric. NOPE NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Pam better save his ass.
- Violet won’t fuck Jason she will only let him go down on her. I hate Violet but I kind of like how she is fucking with Jason by only getting her kicks.
- Sookie is wearing a cute hat and dress to church. Sam is against a separation of church and state. WTF SAM!?! Apparently everyone has to give blood to see if they are carriers for some kind of disease. Hep V?!? So it seems because of Hep V there are bands of hungry vampires who prowl the night to eat people and people trust the church more than the government (because of the sadistic Governor) and SAM IS MAYOR. WTF?!? Apparently Arlene bought Sam’s bar. I’m so confused.
- OH I see Sam and Bill have decided that healthy vampires will feed off healthy people because apparently some humans are carriers for Hep V hence the blood tests. THIS SHOW!
- James is in a band. OF COURSE.
- Tara’s mom FINALLY apologizes for being such a terrible mother. Lettie Mae offers herself to Tara as a food source. This is weird and slightly moving.
- Jessica goes to apologize to Andy and Adalyn and promises them protection. Why do people need protection?
- This show is terrible and confusing without Eric and Pam. Pam please save Eric.
- Bill offers his protection to Sookie but she declines because she is smarter than she acts. PROTECTION FROM WHAT?
- VAMPIRE ZOMBIES! I LOVE HEP V!
This was going to be an opus on Eric’s member but since it was fleeting and led to his supposed death (PAM?!?), I can’t think of anything very good about the episode except maybe Bill writing a book about being a god (that was cheesy fun). Vampire zombies make me kind of happy. But ERIC! I’m so sad.
OH I FOUND A REAL ‘GOOD’, I remember how much I like The Breeders! AND Alcide is a HOT boyfriend. Good job Sookie.
The Cray Cray
AGAIN VAMPIRE ZOMBIES! Dammit now I can’t wait for next summer. FUCK YOU SHOW!
Where was my Jason/Eric sex dream?!?
Sookie needs to be a badass. I can not stress this enough. She is officially enrolled in my women’s studies course at SLLS University of AWESOME (SLLS UofA, for short) for fictional characters. [We need to work on the post about SLLS UofA and the classes we will be offering. -M]
ERIC! Just cause you show us his penis –PENIS– doesn’t mean we will forget about him possibly dying.
Not enough Pam or Lafayette or Willa!
Niall is back for like a minute but only a minute. I love Rutger Hauer.
I’ll be back next Monday for a rundown of the season and all of the shit I desperately want for season 7. It will most definitely include Sookie needs to be an agent of her own destiny and Pam being a total badass and saving Eric with a sun proof helicopter. PAM FTW!!! PLEASE?!?
I have spent a lot of time tonight staring at Askars penis (I don’t think he is circumcised, Melissa I need an intervention like How I Met Your Mother. I have lost perspective. I am actually analyzing the PEEN) [Katie, I am really concerned about you. I think you should also enroll in SLLS UofA, even though you are a real lady. -M]. So many gifs. They are from here: vampire-blondie, mrgolightly, iamtasos, mswillaburrell, benwarlow, imhereforsookie, slasherfilmsanctuary, and triptoyoursin. Images courtesy of HB –fucking– O.