Smart ladies love dumb TV, True Blood recap, Who Are You, Really?

| 1 Comment

Previously on True Blood, Bill turned into a blood demon, Sookie learned she was sold to a Vampire 300 years ago, Andy had fairy babies, and a lot of other stuff, cause the one thing this show doesn’t lack is plot.

This week:

  • The “band of fuck-ups” (as Nora calls them) escape Bill and then get all emo on a beach.

TrueBlood_Ep1_Whoareyou_1

  • In order to be pack-master Alcide has to eat a human and NOT in wolf form –BONUS he gets a really boring threesome.
  • Andy’s babies are growing at an alarming rate. This causes Terry, Arlene and Andy to freak out.
  • Jason’s head injury has still not been treated so he runs away from Sookie and meets a mysterious man while hitchhiking. He then proceeds to tell this man everything including the fact that he sees dead people. It’s deeply depressing that this isn’t as fun as I made it sound.
  • Pam and Tara get into a fight about Eric and their relationship and then get attacked by a Louisiana swat team.
  • Sookie gets her house back from Eric and resinds his invitation to her house.
  • Poor sad Bill has know idea what he is –I would rather not watch an existential crisis played out by Bill.
  • We end with many Lilith’s entering Bill. NOT FUN?!?

I hope this season gets more fun, when you have a threesome AND you get to see Alcide’s ass but it’s STILL boring then your show has problems. I vote we get rid of Bill, Sookie, Nora, the wolf-pack except Alcide AND move everyone to New Orleans where they work together to run the biggest, bestest, and gayest (Lafayette needs LOVE) vampire bar in all of the south –listen to me HBO that would be so much FUN. I weep for the show this could be.

The Good

Eric making snarky comments even while being chased by stupid Bill is always welcome.

Arliss Howard as the anti-vampire governor of Louisiana is good because it creates a real tangible evil that isn’t magical and therefore can not change based on the writers nutty whims. Howard is always awesome when he is slimy. I’m not sure what his game is because he clearly hates vampires but helped get a True Blood factory in LA. I’m assuming he is WAY into MONEY –I don’t really care.

TrueBlood_Ep1_Whoareyou_7

Jason almost killing Nora, if only he had succeeded.

Arlene yelling at Andy about his “litter of alien” babies, then, with Terry’s help showing him how to change a diaper is super cute (MORE ARLENE). It’s also hilarious when they find out that all the babies are toddlers.

Drunk Lafayette –always welcome and lets face it we need more of him if this show is ever going to be “good.” It’s never going to be good until it goes back to being wackado fun instead of cray cray boring. I MISS the fun times of Maenid orgies and Dennis O’Hare.

TrueBlood_Ep1_Whoareyou_4

Rutger Hauer (who, let’s face should have been on this show from the start) is delightfully daffy. He also might be Warlow the man who technically owns Sookie –that is not daffy.

TrueBlood_Ep1_Whoareyou_6

Joey Man naked is always welcome but can he get a decent story-line.

The INSANELY CRAY CRAY

Apparently Bill the blood demon can make the earthquake, fly, and levitate things. I hate Bill. ALSO apparently he can’t die –Stephen Moyer and his terrible acting will haunt this show forever.

TrueBlood_Ep1_Whoareyou_3

Alcide has to eat an arm –gross.

Jessica being summoned by Bill and throwing up blood was both cray and gross. Also she threw up on Eric which normally would have made me mad (don’t ugly the pretty) but since he is being a dick to Pam, dude deserves to be thrown up on (don’t be a dick to Pam, your sister is a dip-shit).

The Bad

Jason being anti-vampire is just a rehash of when he joined the anti-vampire league in season 2. It’s lazy. Let’s just have Jason naked and happy. Also let’s take a moment to remember season 2.

Luna dying and Sam getting “custody” of Emma, cause that’s going to fly with the wolf pack.

Eric being short and terse with Pam –NOT COOL– especially because he made her cry.

TrueBlood_Ep1_Whoareyou_2

Nora trying to find out about Warlow from Jason. She let’s the group know that Warlow was in the vampire bible. Again why didn’t Eric just let Jason kill Nora, she is tedious (I don’t give a shit if she is your “vampire” sister that’s made-up).

Jessica staying with Bill instead of going with Sookie who has always been kind to her is just dumb. This show is so fucking dumb sometimes, last season Jessica was the one who was all “Bill has changed” now she acts like it’s everyone else who is crazy and Bill is “fine.” Pick a fucking rode writers, pick a fucking road!

TrueBlood_Ep1_Whoareyou_5

Werewolf threesome should be more interesting than it is, as usual it’s just a waste of Alcide. And yes I did mention it three times how boring this was because it was BORING. True Blood has NOTHING on Game of Thrones.