Since I’m going to recap True Blood for the enjoyment of the masses here is a season 5 mini recap by character for those of you who have never watched the show, who stopped watching it around the time it went bat shit crazy and/or are interested in how I FEEL about the beloved characters on True Blood. [I don’t watch this show so all I know about it is that the exterior of the bar is the same one they use for the Rammer Jammer on Hart of Dixie. -M]
Sookie’s ancient ancestor might have sold her to a vampire named Warlow. Her first love and ex-boyfriend has turned himself into a blood demon. I am tentatively excited about Rutgar Hauer joining the cast as Sookie and Jason’s fairy relative.
Drank the blood of a demon (I refuse to call Lilith a God), died and then came back as a male version of Lilith whom the internet has called Billith –I really don’t want to call him that instead I will only refer to him as a blood demon.
Eric Northman better not fucking die or I am DONE with this dumbass show. Also I hope he gets to do more fun things this season than, oh I don’t know, hanging out in an underground bunker with his stupid vampire sister. A sister who believed that GOD was a vampire because that makes so much sense — why would a God not want to see the fucking SUN?!? Also why would the vampire authority be headquartered in New Orleans wouldn’t you think a European city would be more centrally located. Why do I watch this show.
Anyway at the end of season 5 Eric killed a General, broke everyone out of the bunker/headquarters, AND had to deal with religious zealot Bill who literally drank the kool-aid and became a blood demon. FUN?!?
Sam Merlotte and Luna Garza
Sam and Luna tried to get Luna’s daughter Emma back from the clutches of the Vamps. Luna shifted into Steve Newlin (that guy is actually a great actor) and went on TV. She shifted back into her self and then I think she died, that would make me sad, Luna is one of the few people on this show that doesn’t make me want to bang my head on the desk. [What is Shiva from The League doing here? -M]
Pam De Beaufort and Tara Thornton
Pam and Tara sitting in the tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G and also making hilarious comments so that we don’t kill ourselves while we watch this fucking mess of a show! I seriously want Pam, Tara and Lafayette to move to New Orleans and open a REAL bar –make this happen HBO! [Pam looks pretty amazing. Also I think I would watch that show? As long as it had better writers/producers/stories. -M]
Suffered a head injury that has made him against vampires even though he is in love with Jessica. [Are you serious? A head injury that makes him anti-vampire? That is such convenient plotting. -M]
Lala my love, DESERVES a better story line then season 5’s which saw him dealing with being a witch or something . I don’t even remember what came of that (I only re-watched the last three episodes of season 5, so really I have no recollection of what poor Lala was up to –being sad with the rest of us that Jesus was dead, maybe?). At the end of last season He and Arlene drank Cajun margarita’s and watched Andy’s fairy baby mama give birth to multiple babies! [Now this is a character I can get down with. I am also enjoying this Arlene AKA Carrie Preston. -M]
Arlene Fowler and Terry Bellefleur
We left Arlene and Terry very much in love, thank Christ, because the Iraqi fire demon story-line was TERRIBLE. It was also a waste of Scott Foley, no-show should ever waste NOEL! [Zach from Gilmore Girls FOREVER! -M]
Andy Bellefleur and Holly
These two are cute but of course Andy had to go and fuck a fairy. The fairy got pregnant and in less than a week she went into labor with a litter of babies (that fairies don’t raise themselves). Holly RUN, run away, run like the wind! In your own words, Andy is a dick. [Fairy babies? What kind of fucking crap is that? This show is ridiculous.-M]
Jessica was kind of in love with Jason but also kind of in love with being a free and sexual being (she was brought up in fundamentalist household before becoming a vampire). She and Tara were also becoming best vampire friends forever.
At the end of the season 5 Alcide got hyped up on V (vampire blood) and became pack….master –sorry I fell asleep that’s how fucking boring poor Alcide’s story is. Nobody that pretty should be wasted EVER! [Joe Manganiello is also super funny and I’m sure his talents are wasted on this show. He should be on Parks & Rec as Donna’s boyfriend. -M]
I find Steve hilarious so I hope whatever he is up to is funny. I am super excited by the return of his ex-wife played by Anna Camp (I love her). [She will always be Martha on The Good Wife to me. -M]