Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recap, Eating Green

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I can’t put into words how so not into this show I am anymore but there’s only four more episodes sadly, only 5 have aired.

Blah blah blah pool.

Blah blah blah pool.

There were two separate things going on in the opening sequence: The Wahlberg Dad drove truck and delivered lunch to public schools, while Alma split up the leftovers between her children. Then there was mention of a pool, which became a slip and slide. I don’t know what these things have to do with one another, but whatever.

More interesting is the research I have done on the Wahlberg family: Alma did indeed give birth to nine kids, but only six were with Mark’s dad Donald–three were out of wedlock. Also, Donald has other children but no one is sure how many. Here is his obit.

ENTOURAGE.

ENTOURAGE.

Drama, Nacho and Billy, Mark’s entourage, are excited that Mark is coming to town! As usual, Paul has no time for these shenanigans. What a killjoy. He tells them no games, but notes that Mark will pay Nacho to do something dumb.

Then there is this weird slo mo video of a soda fountain and a burger being made.

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Alma is at the restaurant writing recipe cards to sent to her kids. Kari, because she is under 40, suggests Alma send the recipes via email instead. Alma balks, but Kari says what if you make a cookbook? Kari is so smart.

Paul kills everyone's hopes and dreams.

Paul kills everyone’s hopes and dreams.

Paul hates the idea of a cookbook (probably because he doesn’t have his own, but hey, People published his patty melt recipe), but thinks he should put them on the back of the take out menu. He sees a strong connection between Alma and the restaurant.

EWWWWW.

EWWWWW.

Kari says they should make one of Alma’s meals for family dinner at the restaurant to see if people would like it. Alma decides on American chop suey, a dish that Donnie does not get, that contains bacon, pasta, and tomatoes. It sounds disgusting and I would never eat it.

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Drama and Nacho pick up Mark’s clubs from Alma. He has sets of clubs hidden all over the country so he can golf at any moment. The boys smell Alma’s chop suey and want it. Alma has to keep telling Nacho to stay away, so you know something with Nacho and American chop suey (just typing it makes me want to puke) later in the episode.

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YAY another episode full of golf. They’re at Boston Golf Club in Hingham, which is BEAUTIFUL. My dad belongs to a country club in the middle of nowhere but I go for the pool. I don’t want to watch anyone play golf ever.

Johnny Drama the rapper.

Johnny Drama the rapper.

Drama raps, and Mark calls him 60 Cent because he’s 60 years old. Mark loves having Nacho around, whose motto is “cash is king.” Is this Wall Street?

Poor Stewie, you had no chance.

Poor Stewie, you had no chance.

Someone decided it would be genius to have a divot eating competition (you know, the chunks of dirt and grass ripped from the ground when you hit a golf ball). Drama finds a challenger for Nacho, Stewie.

This whole thing is so gross and seems degrading. I could not be less interested in it.

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Alma tells kid at Staples (product placement, really?) about her chilli recipe. She and Kari are telling the kid to change the recipes on different menus, which is not something the copy center worker does. He pulls files off a thumb drive and prints them. This is so fake. People, do not take your design work to Staples! They can’t do it.

Kari then very obviously mentions that ordered take out containers online to pick up and asks if they’re ready. The Staples commercial segment ends and we never hear about these take out containers again.

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Donnie interviews that life with Mark means that someone will get paid to eat something. Mark offers $500 to winner of the divot eating competition, as well as picture up at Wahlburgers for a year. The loser gets nothing. Now who would put rando Stewie’ picture up at Wahlburgers? This has to be a set up, right?

I don't know what's grosser, eating divots or American chop suey.

I don’t know what’s grosser, eating divots or American chop suey.

Back at the restaurant, the staff is eating family meal of Alma’s chop suey. Paul has no doubt they will love it, recipe was her mothers. He wanted her to see that, of course, people like her food. I feel like Alma probably already knows that because she has eight children who fawn over everything she makes, even when she’s still making food for ten year old palates.

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The divot burger challenge that is so gross I cannot watch it or take screencaps of them eating. Drama says he is watching these clowns chewing on grass.

Champion of eating dirt?

Champion of eating dirt?

Nacho finished first: he was truly in “beast mode.” Mark used used several Boston teams for comparison and is so proud of his friend.

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Drama visits the gang at Wahlburgers and tells them Nacho ate a divot burger. Donnie, in interviews, is not surprised. Nacho was presented with a plaque with his picture to hang in restaurant. Paul refuses to put it up and I stop paying attention. I’m not sure where this conversation goes but at the end of the episode Donnie draws an eyepatch on Nacho.

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Kari pulls out Alma’s menus, which include recipes for English muffin pizzas, lasagna, chicken wings, chicken soup. All of Alma’s recipes are available on the A&E website. Alma calls them “welfare recipes.” The ingredients are all readily available and cheap. Jarred sauce for lasagna, Alma? Ew.

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Sadly, there is no recipe for Nacho’s divots yet. Alma gives Nacho huge vat of American chop suey, like I knew she would. He is a very happy camper, though Drama is willing to fight him for the giant tub of food. Don’t these people have money to eat real food?

Next week: two episodes back to back, Joey McIntyre writes a jingle. I don’t know if I have it in me to watch a whole hour of this show next week.

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