Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recap, Here’s the Drill


Now that there’s Candidly Nicole, which genuinely makes me laugh, my season 2 recaps of Wahlburgers will be even snarkier. It seems many people take this show seriously and think it’s actually real, so those people will probably hate my recaps. For the rest of you, let’s all count how many times Mark Wahlberg namedrops Michael Bay and marvel at the crazy B-plots starring Alma and Kari.

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Donnie starts the episode by saying  most of the Wahlbergs are OCD. We already know Paul is OCD. Mark cosigns this by talking about how Paul was obsessed with getting pancakes golden brown. SO? THAT IS HOW PANCAKES SHOULD BE. Bully for Paul, I say! (Oh my Paul sympathies are returning. Sorry Mark and Donnie).

Then Donnie said, “My mother is OCD with shopping.” This is not a thing. I remember we definitely had  a problem with your misunderstanding of this disorder last season, Donnie. Please see the actual definition of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Your mother is just compulsive, she does not have a problem with extreme hoarding.

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Alma talks about buying lots of discount socks. The only time I ever get new socks is when my mom buys them for me. What is up with moms and socks??

Unfortunately, the beginning hasn’t changed, it’s just as dumb.

Danny is like, BUFF AS SHIT.

Danny is like, BUFF AS SHIT. I’m scared of him.

NKTOB is playing at Planet Hollywood for four days, Donnie informs us. (Note: this happened last month so I am very confused about the timeline of this episode. Who drafts fantasy football in July?) Donnie mentions that Danny Wood asked him to join a fantasy football league for his mom’s foundation. Finally something I am interested in on this show!! [I will humblebrag here that, despite knowing very little about football, I won my league last year. GO TOKEN FEMALES.]

There are currently 11 people signed up for this imaginary celebrity fantasy football team, and they need a 12th person, but Danny suggests they get a mush AKA someone that doesn’t know anything about football to give them better chances of winning. Sorry, guys, but I definitely prove that doesn’t always work out in your favor.

Donnie is SO EXCITED to play fantasy sports with his brother!

Donnie is SO EXCITED to play fantasy sports with his brother!

Donnie decides to call Paul, who has no time for fantasy football. “Good thing about Paul and any competitive thing, he will never give up, but he will make a bunkheaded play, right when you need him to.”

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At Alma Nove, Alma is playing mah jongg on her new smart phone at the hostess stand. I also love mah jongg, which is why I don’t have it on my phone. Bejeweled is bad enough. Paul says they wont get any work done now.

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Mark is calling her and she says, speak fast because I have to get to the next level. Mark insists there is something important he has to tell her. First sight of KARI!!!!! I am so glad she was not fired. Let’s admire this classic Kari “WTF, Alma?” face:

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Mark seems mildly annoyed that his mother hung up on him.

Kari: you’re playing it at work AND cutting phone calls with your children short? Explains Alma’s job of  “greeter” and interviews that mah jongg is preventing Alma from working.  Kari tells Alma she’s addicted. Alma says she doesn’t play 24 hours a day, she stops for meals! Kari takes it off her phone and Alma calls her a “pain in the ass” behind her back. That Alma, what a see-you-next-Tuesday.

We see some kids playing football at Fred Green Memorial Field. Aren’t you glad I pause this show every other second to get this information for you?

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Paul knows he’s being snowed, cause Donnie just wants his money. But he is at this field to talk to Rob Gronkowski, tight end for the New England Patriots who was on the DL a lot last season, which I know because I routinely slaughtered the dude that drafted him in our weekly matchups.

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Gronk, who is a worse actor than Alma, explains to Paul how much work it is to maintain a fantasy team. Paul scratches his head.

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Gronk basically tells Paul “If i do this for you, you have to do something for me. You show me how to cook, I’ll show you how to play fantasy football.” There is some kind of made up dinner event he needs to cook for.

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We’re in LA now with Johnny Drama, who is auditioning for stuff again, picking Mark up in the first car Mark ever bought with Funky Bunch money, a Mercedes. Drama bought it from him 17 years prior.

Mark: “Everything is fixable, even your career”

Drama: “Stop putting me against John Turturro, Richard Schiff… It’s like putting you against Mike Tyson.”

Mark: “I can beat Mike Tyson.”

Mark tells Drama he seemed self conscious about his teeth in the audition tape so he’s going to take him to get them fixed. Awwww, what a nice friend! He thinks it will help with his career, but Drama says Mark’s the only one complaining.

SEVEN. Root canals.

Seven root canals. SEVEN.

Drama has had seven root canals since 1990 and he doesn’t want to get another one. Mark says the teeth will make him look like Tom Cruise.

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We learn that Donnie calls Alma on every opening night for every tour. He calls Alma, while wearing a sparkly suit, and she does not answer. Donnie thinks this will lead to bad luck. I think we are supposed to believe Alma is on her phone and therefore ignoring her son, but when they show her, it is light outside and that does not make sense for the Vegas-Boston time difference. This show has so many continuation issues.

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Alma is playing on her phone and Kari shows her disapproval. Alma discovered online mobile shopping! Alma says Kari did not tell her not to shop, but asks her what she bought so far. A Massage table, seven flips flops, coffee, stuff for her kids… a lot of things she doesn’t need, she says.

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Mark lovingly touches Drama on the hand in the dentist waiting room. We learn Drama needs 28 crowns–one for every tooth. He also needs another root canal.

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Paul in the kitchen with Gronk, and it’s adorable. He’s teaching him how to make a pasta dish, orecchiette with sausage (there is no recipe on the Wahlburgers site, but it might be something like this). Paul says, “while we’re doing this, you can get the Wahballers off the ground.” Gronk protests, saying he should have named the team after him–he suggests “Got Gronk-ed.” So many mentions of Bill Belichick.

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“Who should I draft first?” Gronk tells him how many WR to get, and says he should not worry about the defense until next to last round, and the kicker last. This is generally the accepted way to draft. However, if you are Taco from The League, or me, you gotta get that kicker early.

Paul: “Dude my head hurts!”

Gronk (interview): “I think Paul is going to draft a really bad team.”

Is Mark really cleared to do this??

Is Mark really cleared to do this??

Mark and Drama: “It’s just one more, there’s not any more roots to canal.” Drama is in pain, but they can’t be doing the root canal for real because Mark is holding his head.

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Drafting on an iPad is tough, so many of these leagues run on Flash.

DAY OF DRAFT! Danny and Donnie are together. Paul picked Tom Brady first, so Donnie of course picked Gronk.

This might be A Gronk's house but probably not THE Gronk's house.

This might be A Gronk’s house but probably not THE Gronk’s house.

Paul is cooking with Gronk for his family of huge dudes. They love the food! Gronk is asking Paul who his first round pick was, and he proudly answered “Brady!” (first dumb move: drafting a quarterback in the first round). Gronk was pissed that he let him go to Donnie. Gronk: “Brady would be there second round!” Gronk: totally right.

Most of these dudes play football.

Most of these dudes play football. Gronk FUN FACT: His great-grandfather Ignatius represented the US at the 1924 Paris Olympics in cycling.

Gronk ratted Paul out to his dad, as he figured Gronk would be “available in the fourth round. I had the wrong strategy.” Gronk’s dad, who is also a shit actor, said, “Maybe I’ll see you at Pizza Hut!”

Then everyone is BFFs again. AWWWWW.

New chompers!

New chompers!

The dentist shows Drama his new teeth and he FINALLY agrees it will be worth it. Mark is excited and tells Drama he will be with him every step of the way, except when he has to go to work.

Alma: "This is all for you." Paul: "---"

Alma: “This is all for you.” Paul: “—“

Alma: “My packages came!” There are TONS OF PACKAGES in the back room of Wahlburgers. Paul does not understand his mother’s love of sales and Donnie calls it a “sickness.” The joke at the end is about Alma calling Donnie and it was not funny enough to describe in detail. WOMP WOMP.

This season, on Wahlburgers: there is lots of travel to foreign lands, and Jenny McCarthy shows up because she was fired and she still wants to be on TV.

Programming note: next week’s recap will be on Thursday because Katie and I are going to see Robyn that night and thankfully I had the good sense to take that day off, so I’ll watch the show in the morning instead.

All screencaps by me!


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