This was the first episode where I thought, “This show is fake. This is the fakest fake to ever fake.”
NEW SIBLING ALERT! Bob, brother #4. Everyone is talking about pranks.
Mark claims that Alma is not the best prankster (though I am SURE she thinks she is). They all agree that Donnie is the best prankster in the family. This is both a dumb thing to discuss and base an episode around.
On the patio again with Bob, Paul and Alma. Bob and Alma are eating at Wahlburgers together because GOD FORBID any Wahlberg ever pay for a meal. Mention Dorchester Day Parade, which Mark interviews he likes because every few years it would fall on his birthday. Once, he thought parade was for his birthday because he always had a huge ego.
They’re all discussing Dorchester Day parade and how Alma and her sister Lois dressed up and joined the parade many years ago.
Paul makes Bob and Alma there are no practical jokes. Alma instead sees a loophole and tells Paul she will not do anything to him personally, but that’s it. She is going to do SOMETHING.
NEW FAMILY MEMBER ALERT! We meet Alma’s grandson, Brandon, son of her daughter Tracy. He reminds her of all her sons and Mark interviews that he is “hardworking,” but also a prankster. Why haven’t we heard of this family’s love of pranks before? They’re talking about this damn parade again. They are running out of fun plot points for season 3.
Then Kari, bless her heart, shows up and asks them what they are talking about. They tell her about the parade and she is immediately interested due to HER love of parades. Where is Kari from? This parade seems like the biggest thing in the world and she’s never been before?
Kari: “I’ve been busting my butt to be a part of this whole Wahlberg world, so I want in on this Dorchester Day.”
Kari: “What is this Dorchester Day about?”
Brandon: “It’s just a celebration of a great land, you know, Dorchester.”
Brandon interviews that Kari is “prime prank material, she’ll believe in anything.” He tells her there are some things she has to do to go to the parade since she is not from Dorchester, like wear that hamburger costume that we saw in last week’s preview.
“The new person dresses in a costume and marches in a costume. Or you can have a few big burly broads slap you around”
Kari: “I’ll take the costume.”
Johnny Drama and Nacho show up and join them. He calls Brandon Mark’s “mini-me.” Nacho calls him a “weisenheimer.”
Donnie, on an NKOTB European tour (FAKE! tour was in May and Dorchester Day was in June), wants a shed painter, and Drama and Nacho volunteer to do it, though Kari says that “Nacho doesn’t strike me as the type to paint inside the lines.” I tend to agree with Kari, who thinks painting is hard.
They show a note, which says Donnie wants the shed kelly green and the trim lime green. THAT SOUNDS HIDEOUS. Then everyone says “Renoir” incorrectly and I get furious.
Listen up, folks: you pronounce the “r” at the end. In fact, you always pronounce the “r”s at the end of French words unless it’s part of a verb, like parler. RENOIRRRRRRR. Like a fucking pirate. Now you try.
Also Brandon, increasingly one of the smartest members of the family, points out that the shed colors look familiar:
OF COURSE! Please pain your shed to look like the logo of the burger joint you own with your family. That is so classy.
Paul walks out of his office to see Kari wearing a burger costume! “The dumbest hamburger costume I’ve ever seen.” Kari explains that it’s her initiation day, but Paul, every quick, responds, “Initiation into what? Being an idiot?” Kari tells Paul that Brandon must have punked her, though neither Kari or Paul thought she was dumb enough to be punked by a kid (I knew! I did).
Kari: “So what do I do?”
Paul: “Get some fries and you’re all set.”
Then Kari realized a child pulled one over on her and she laughed a lot.
Nacho and Drama go to Home Depot where there’s a shit ton of product placement.
They talk to this nice Home Depot employee, who treats them better than any Home Depot employee has ever treated me. Just because I look young, old fart, that does not mean I am not serious about this leaf blower. I bet they’re going to switch the paint colors. LIME GREEN FOR TRIM! C’mon dudes!
And of course, Nacho lost the paper. They get the wrong paint and some tools.
At Bob’s house with Madison, Paul’s daughter, Brandon, and some rando kids. Paul shows up looking for some Dorchester hats because he’s too cheap to buy one in the parade.
Drama and Nacho go to Donnie’s Dorchester house (I’m sure he owns a house in LA too), which cannot possible be the house of a New Kid, because the side desperately needs a power wash.
Or maybe, starts really are like us!
They go to paint the shed and things that they’re not going to be able to paint that shed in such a short amount of time. There’s two of them! Unless their limit is two hours, they should fucking finish.
Drama starts painting and it looks so bad. The green is not lime green, but more like a fluorescent.
They use rollers. This is really a simple job. The color is so miserable. We see in the shed a little bit and it looks totally empty. Why does Donnie have an empty shed? Where does he keep his potting soil?
Meanwhile, the family goes and walks to the parade, except Alma, who stays behind with “illness.” This is, of course, all part of her master prank. She looks awakward and says she going to put her plan into action.
Drama and Nacho think the shed looks “fly.” They send a picture to Donnie, who calls him, pissed.
Drama is mad he trusted Nacho, to which Donnie replies, “Nacho speaks a foreign language?” Well he certainly can’t speak French, so that is out. Donnie insists they repaint, and Drama suggests they go back to Home Depot. Yahhhhhh ok.
Mark calls Drama and tells him what a great paint job he did.
The family goes to the parade, and call Alma on the way, who claims she is “hurrying” but she’s really just planning her re-run prank of getting in the parade again.
She tries to get on a float but they demand a costume and say “maybe next year.” They should rally call Kari and her burger costume.
Brandon gets a message from Kari to meet her.
Meanwhile, Alma still can’t find anyone to let her on a float. Don’t they know who she is? Mother of the guy from Boogie Nights AND one of the New Kids? She has a restaurant named after her! I’m sure everyone in town knows her.
She is even rejected from the Family Steel Band. (I couldn’t find them online but I did find the list of all the floats/participants in “DOT DAY,” as they call it. They let fifth grade essay contest winners in this parade so I don’t know why Alma had such a hard time.)
Brandon claims he got “pranked” by Paul, but no, he was just bested. This family overuses that word. Now no one knows what to do with the burger costume.
But dammmmnnn Alma finally convinces someone to let her in their fancy vintage convertible. Hey, it’s the car of state representative Dan Cullinane! (The Wahlbergs are not on his list of official endorsements but the Teamsters are!) She tells Paul she is on her way.
We do get to see Nacho in the burger costume in the parade, the “new sucker.” He said it was “exhilarating.” Nacho was not pranked because he clearly loves the attention.
Next episode: NKTOB play the UK (this show was May 27th, again, BEFORE THE PARADE), and Paul and Jenny McCarthy go visit him!
All screencaps by me. All gifs from the A&E tumblr.