This episode of Wahlburgers was marginally better than last week’s. While both eps had scripted plotlines, at least this week they got to bring out NKTOB and Marky Mark stories, which are ALWAYS WELCOME.
With nine kids, they shared everything, but each had an item that was special. Donnie had his Michael Jackson jacket. Mark had a pair of plaid pants that he would pee on (seriously WTF Mark), then they’d be washed and he’d do it all again. All Paul had was a lowly spatula.
Paul is at Alma’s looking for light bulbs (I hope he’s being a good son and changing them for her) and finds messy room of boxes , which turns out to be Alma’s garage. This is not like her, he says, to have so much mess. There’s everything from a massager, to a basketball, to cushions for a couch she no longer has. Alma wants to get rid of most of it but a lot is memorabilia. My favorite is when Paul asks, “Whose tire is that?”
Johnny Drama and Paul are at Wahlburgers. Mark told Paul that Johnny says he’s out of shape, which really sounds like something Mark believes himself. The reasoning behind so much of this show falls flat. In any case, Drama helped take Marks working out to next level. Mark does not think all the work Paul does is the same as working out, though I think Paul’s doing ok because he’s more active than this 34-year-old office jockey and grad student. Johnny suggests boxing, which helped Mark get ripped for The Fighter. The two dudes agree to work out together, though I think who needs a workout is that human vacuum, Nacho.
Paul has apparently gotten Kari and McKenzie (blonde girl from the hostess station at Alma Nove, you have a name!!!) to help Alma clean her garage. Alma is cuddling dogs while the girls go through shit, because she is Marky Mark’s mom, why should she have to work? Mark has a secret drive to win an Oscar, like every other fucking actor ever. The girls found a tape of “Good Vibrations”— Alma said the minute it she heard it, she knew it was a #1 record, but Paul did not agree, probably because he was more into grunge and the Seattle scene at that time.
Kari mentions that she saw Mark play a concert in his underwear, though she does not feel comfortable talking about it with his mother.
Then Alma talks about how Mark became a Calvin Klein model and how she answered the phone when Calvin called Mark to ask him to fly to L.A.
Johnny and Paul decide to play hockey for its overall workout. Billy, who we don’t seem to ever get a formal introduction to, says Paul will be on his ass. They are all wearing Wahlburgers hockey jerseys, which, to the surprise of no one, you can purchase.
Back at Alma’s, the girls finds Donnie’s MJ jacket, which was his favorite thing, just hanging up in a plastic bag, probably after being planted there by producers. Donnie interviews that he was hit by car and bought the jacket with insurance money, reminding the audience of the Wahlbergs’ humble beginnings. McKenzie tries it on and looks appropriately ridiculous.
This was all just a ploy for Mark to tell the story about how Donnie came to one of his hockey games in that dopey jacket, and that Mark had to fight his friend to get it back. Donnie interviews that he stuck up for Mark 80 times (he is the baby, after all) but everyone knows the Michael Jackson jacket story.
Back on the ice, our heroes are being challenged by some little boys AKA kids the producers paid. After watching hours upon hours of Olympic hockey, I notice that there is no goalie, which means that this should be less of a challenge. If only Paul didn’t fall down so much! Paul picks a “fight” with one of the kids, and I write in my notes that I am very sad that this is where “story” is going. Thankfully the kid appears to be a good sport and teases Paul with “You can’t score on me.” He is very right.
Once Paul slips (“the old man fell!”), Johnny suggest boxing instead. Paul makes sure its on solid ground (which hockey is so I’m not sure Paul is right on with his logic). Paul leaves & tells the kids “Wait till I see you on a dark corner.” WHAT A THREAT.
In Alma’s garage, one of the girls finds Donnie’s rattail, lovingly preserved in a plastic bag.
Donnie says what it really is: a mullet with a rubber band. With his plastic crap replica Michael Jackson coat and mullet, Donnie’s not sure how he made it anywhere. He is not even considering his talent, which I suppose is fair.
The guys are a boxing gym that looks straight out of The Fighter. Donnie says that Paul boxing is one of the scariest things he’s ever heard (obviously Donnie has never seen me box). Mark says he has no chance. These guys are not giving their brother any credit and I am beginning to be annoyed because I know the story will end with Paul succeeding.
Paul says he’s not a gifted athlete (I’m with you, buddy) but he’s trying. Johnny is teasing to motivate, and Paul does not respond well because he is a normal human being that hates teasers. I grew up with a teaser, I hate them as much as Paul does. Johnny says Paul is 0-30, he’s never beat anyone, including his sister.
Paul is wailing on Johnny. Everyone was impressed with Paul’s ability to work out his pent up frustration at getting picked on by his more famous brothers. The end.
They show a photo of Donnie and Mark in tutus, and Donnie makes some veiled homophobic comments. Look, this shit is not OK anymore, stop trying so hard to prove you are macho.
Then the girls find Mark’s precious monkey–Alma has been looking for it for so long (I don’t know why, it’s been in a marked box in your garage). Mark would eat with it and take it everywhere. Monkey has been thrown out multiple times.
Alma decides to call Mark and tell him she found his monkey, which he of course answers on speakerphone in front of two middle aged dudes who think its hilarious that his mom is talking about his monkey. Alma asks, “you don’t care I found it? I’m throwing it out!” Mark takes her off speaker and tells her not to throw it out. I kind of love him now for his delivery of these lines. This is great comedy.
After his business associates leave, Mark calls Alma again and wants her to send the monkey to his kid. AWWW. He also inquires about his plaid pants, which sadly, Alma did not find. This surprises me because she saved a mullet for twenty five years.
Donnie ends the episode saying how resented the Michael Jackson jacket and that he could have bought way cooler things with $300. Like membership into NKTOB? Get out of here with that shit, Donnie.
Next week: everyone loves Alma’s cooking!
All screencaps by me, taken on my shitty computer.