Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recap, Sibling Rivalry

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I am going to warn you right now, NOTHING happened on this week’s episode of Wahlburgers. Nothing. Also, I took these screencaps on my computer instead of on my big TV to save time. I’m sorry they have weird glare.

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In the cold open, they are all talking about how competitive the Wahlbergs are in sports. Mark wanted to beat all of them–this sounds strangely like the opening to last week’s episode.

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Paul starts working at Alma Nove in the early morning, doing shit he should probably pay someone else to do.

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Alma gets this crazy idea in her head to redecorate–Paul won’t let Alma move the plants around and thinks he is annoying him on purpose. She is your mother, that’s her fucking job. Alma, of course, thinks her precious son shouldn’t worry about plants.

Paul has a serious chat with his mother about how he has to leave work to play golf with his brother Mark. Oh the horrors of being privileged and having to leave work to play sports with your family. Paul is worried that Mark will place bets (Paul and I are both cheap, so I get it) and spend too much time giving him pointers. Alma responds that they’ve been competing since they were kids, though Paul disagrees and insists that he plays for fun.

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Before he leaves his mother in charge (seriously WHERE IS KARI? She seems much more trustworthy, but then there wouldn’t be a show I guess), Paul complains to Alma about the food she hides in the hostess station. It is pretty gross.

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On the golf course Mark says ten dollars a hole per stroke. Paul says mark isn’t giving up that money, especially after we see that Mark is much better at golf, telling Paul what clubs to use. Paul says that Marks quick and good and he is slow and sucky.

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Then the brothers walk around the course, talking about restaurants in Dubai and expanding the business. Paul is again concerned with quality and doing everything the right way. Mark thinks Paul is making excuses, which is probably true, but also I truly believe that crazily expanding restaurants without a very specific quality plan is really dumb. Maybe they have this written down somewhere and don’t want to talk about it.

Then there’s a golf metaphor, and Mark says Paul’s got too much on his plate. That’s what KARI is for, seriously, what is wrong with these people? Is she a fake hire? SHE CAN DO IT!! Mark wants a Wahlburgers everywhere, including on the Champs Elysées, further making one of the most beautiful avenues in the world into a shopping mall.

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Paul tells mark he left Ma in charge, and Mark interviews this is a terrible idea. Hey, didn’t Paul just go to Toronto? Who was in charge then? This is so confusing. Then there is a confusing conversation where Mark brings up Michael Bay again and how he has 35 guys working for him.

Alma says she is "obsessed with fries." THAT'S MY GIRL.

Alma says she is “obsessed with fries.” THAT’S MY GIRL.

A surprise to no one who has seen ten minutes of this show, Alma has fries in hostess station and she eats them with our long-haried blonde friend and a new short-haired blonde girl. I don’t know the names of either. Her friend calls and tells her that there is a sale at “the home store” so Alma leaves her post to go buy crap. I think you know how this is going to end.

I do not know pretty brunette's name either.

I do not know pretty brunette’s name either.

Alma returns, and she has bought some decorations for the cubby/waiting area. She says she “may have gotten carried away a little bit.” It looks like Pier 1 threw up. There are rando bowls and layered pillows everywhere.
Henry the hamster, Mark’s assistant, fancies himself as some kind of motivator who can turn Paul’s game around. Because Paul is a total crankypants, he is annoyed and doesn’t want Henry the Hamster as his caddy. Henry is dropping balls, he is trying to move them and cheat for Paul, who takes five strokes to get his ball out of the rough. That is $50, buddy. Mark confronts Henry and he sounds like a total dick. Like someone from one of his movies! He says Henry has to pay and then he does this:

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Paul is mad and says you can’t win by cheating, compares golf to business, customers will know. Mark uses more insane metaphors, but what it comes down to is that he believes in Paul and quality of product. It means a lot to Paul to have his brother love his restaurant–especially someone with so much experience, so has traveled and eaten all over the world (I don’t think he actually said this but I think this is what Paul means). At the end of the game, Paul says they were able to connect a little bit and he is pleased with the time he spent with his brother.

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Paul ready for surprises at Alma Nove, and sees cubby area and freaks out. I would freak out too, man, it is fug. Donnie says Paul should be lucky nothing else changes when Alma is in charge. Alma thought Paul would say, “oh ma I love it.” Does she know her control freak son AT ALL? He has his hands in every piece of this restaurant and she doesn’t think redecorating is that big a deal? I could have told her that and I have only spent 4 episodes getting to know the guy.

I just thought this was funny.

I just thought this was funny.

Paul says she has her own opinion about stuff, you just have to accept it and move on as long as she’s happy. He tells Alma he is doing her proud by having her name on the sign–that’s actually her signature, which I didn’t know, and which pleases me greatly. Alma tears up taking about it, and Donnie interview that he is so luckyto have her. AWWWWW.
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So to recap this week’s episode: fuck all happened. It looks like Kari is back next week!! I hope she has something to do.

The new ep can be viewed here. All screencaps by me. All gifs from giphy.

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