Is he in his mom’s bedroom? What is this insanity?
Initially, this episode was more painful to recap, because there weren’t any fun Easter eggs to investigate that caught me right away. Then I realized that You Tube is full of Marky Mark workout videos and my life is complete.
All the Wahlbergs think it’s important to work out and be healthy, because none of them are getting any younger. Mark goes on and on about the workouts he does to play a Navy Seal or a football player, because “you’ve gotta look the part.”
Alma gets approached and asked if she works out. Her response: “Yeahhhhhhh I do.”
…he creates a weight loss challenge between his friend Big A from California and Nacho.
Big A reminds me of Paul Sorvino, who I seriously thought was dead before looking him up.
He wants both of his friends to get to a place where they’re healthy.
Drama is interviewing that he has always been interested in exercising and he and Mark even did a work out video together!
Thankfully an informercial for this workout video (and many other entertaining things) is available on You Tube. It is SO HARD not to pull the trigger on this:
Our lack of a working VHS player keeps me from buying this–though PJ does have one of those things that transfers VHS to digital…
Maybe I will find a means of attaining this video and do some of the exercises and report back in another post? That would be fun, RIGHT? I can call it True Life: I, 35-Year Old Office Worker, Am Not As In Shape As Marky Mark When He Had The Funky Bunch.
My favorite part is when he says, “I’m a rapper.” HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.
“Start where you’re at, but there’s no stopping you after that.” This thing is full of so many gems. I love how he basically sounds like he was the direct inspiration for Dirk Diggler.
I saw her mentioned in the actors list on Amazon but I didn’t know it was real until I saw her:
That’s Greenlee there on the right.
REBECCA BUDIG! From All My Children, people!
So back to the competition: Big A threatens Nacho. Mark will work with Big A and Nacho will work with Drama.
Alma goes to Paul’s office and he says he has to move out for a while due to some pipe issues in his home, and Alma insists he stay with her instead of going to a hotel, this way she can cook for him (because he’s not a chef or anything). Paul interviews that he’s not going to argue. This is going to be good for NO ONE.
Paul uses the word “we” but there is no mention of his family also moving in with Alma. Where are they staying? Ohhhh right, there are actually no pipe problems and they are home safe.
Big A tells Nacho it looks like hes been eating some goooood New England clam chowder. Mark interviews that in the competition, both men are very prideful. He also encourages the petty fighting, saying, “Tell him what you’re going to do to him, Big A.” EYEROLL.
Maybe something like this?
Which ever man loses the most amount of weight in a week wins a billboard, which Mark thinks is a great motivator. I would be motivated by cash. Just sayin’.
There’s a weigh-in!
Big A, 250 pounds.
Nacho, 300 pounds.
GAME ON, BOYS!
Oh me? I’m just hanging out in front of a palm tree without a shirt on. Yes, that is oil on my chest. No, you can’t touch it.
Paul shows up at his moms for nap in between shifts at the restaurant.
Alma tells him that he can’t sleep in Donnie’s room even though he’s not there so she sends him to another room–the dog room. That is ICE COLD, Alma.
AHHHH SO CUUUUUUUTEEEEEEE.
Alma, to her dogs: “Be good babies to your brother!”
Paul: “I’m not a brother to them!”
Paul can’t nap with them so he goes to another room, presumably Donnie’s, and shuts the door.
Mark working out I hotel room at the crack of dawn and forces Big A into a strict routine at hotel gym, where he says, “kill him in the gym.”
Big A whines about showing up at the hotel gym at 4am, but Mark says it’s the only time he has (famous movie stars are just soooo busy).
Drama sees nacho at Wahlburgers, and is obviously disappointed in him, but Nacho claims he has cut back by two burgers! Drama threatens to call Mark to forfeit but Nacho says these burgers are grass fed.
So to go with his grass fed burgers, Drama makes him drink a wheatgrass concoction. Nacho repeats, “here’s to the first day of a new life,” chugs the wheatgrass and says it tastes like shit. You know who could use some wheatgrass?
Paul opens the door to Alma’s house and sees Donnie, who is also staying at Alma’s. Donnie says they can hang out with the dogs and each other.
Donnie is so excited, like Christmas! Paul says you put your stuff in my room. I think everybody saw where this was headed.
“Every other room is mom’s guestroom–that is my bedroom,” says Donnie. He calls it his special special room, but Paul objects because Donnie never even lived in this house. Donnie obviously moves Paul’s stuff when he leaves. Sigh.
Mark and Big A’s training continues with boxing. Mark says big A’s weight fluctuates all the time.
Mark calls Big A a great actor when he falls to the ground. Look, he was tired!!! Mark is probably worse on his friend than Jillian Michaels would be if Big A was on The Biggest Loser.
“It’s easier to stay in shape than it is to get in shape especially as you get older.” Wise words from this guy:
That woman is one of his “fly honeys.”
Mark talks about metabolism, blah blah blah… and then tells his friend to push push push.
Drama is much nicer to Nacho and telling him things like, “East Coast don’t lose.” Mark says Nacho and Big A are so important to him, which is why he wants them to take care of themselves.
There is an excessive amount of split screen training. More times than I took screencaps of, which is just crazy.
Mark has all these people behind him clapping and stuff for Big A– he’s getting much more encouragement than Nacho. I would swing those heavy ropes at 5am if I had a cheering squad!!
Back at the homestead, Donnie tells his mother to let the dog speak so they can tell her things like, “I’m so happy Donnie is here.” Donnie is delusional.
Paul gets home and sees Donnie and his mom playing cards and just wants to go upstairs and relax. Donnie said I moved your stuff to the other room. Paul: “Why do you have your own room anyway? Are you 12?”
I do not get this fight, which is clearly created just for the show. Shouldn’t Donnie be on his honeymoon? Aren’t there any other bedrooms–this is at least a four bedroom house! It’s three levels!!!
Donnie says the dogs sleep better when there’s a human chaperone. Paul tells Donnie to get his “motion lotion” out of the room.
Donnie holds his mothers’ ears, who doesn’t know what “motion lotion” is, thank God.
It’s weigh-in day, again!
Mark just wants the boys to find a happy medium.
He’s so thoughtful, that one.
I am very puzzled here, because he’s weighing them on different scales. The one they weighed in on in the beginning of the week was manual, and the second one is digital. That is not going to give you accurate readings.
Big A lost 7 pounds and Nacho gained 2. Mark says it’s not a weight gain challenge, and that Big A is going to get a body wax. Nacho is now happy he lost.
Also during this waxing there was some blurred out old man penis.
Mark is pleased because now he has time to get big A’s weight down.
Mark thought the waxing would be quick but it was like cutting down 100 acre forest.
Mark even gets in on the waxing action!
Mark claims they were going to put a pull-up billboard in Times Square, but it got a little expensive, so he felt the best idea would be to put it in Dorchester where they could actually see it.
Just what I always wanted–candy for my dog!!
In the conclusion of the boring Paul-Donnie storyline, Paul brought his mother a gift of some candy. They make up. He told her to eat one but it’s dog treats.
Because Paul will eat anything he does eat a dog treat. It’s not as bad as Nacho and the divot, however, probably because it could pass for candy.
In the end, Mark interviews that Big A put on 12 pounds in five days, probably because he was hungry. The billboard has been canceled, but Mark thinks maybe he’ll put one up for the winner of a mud wrestling competition.
One last ode to Marky Mark’s “assistants,” as he calls them:
Kari wasn’t in this episode so, besides the Marky Mark workout stuff, it was a step back from last week. Producers: we need more of Kari’s great faceclamations (I just made that one up, you can use it):