Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recap, Viva Paul Vegas


We know, Mark. Via.

We know, Mark. Via.

Oh yay–an episode about my least favorite hobby, gambling! I have never even bought a lottery ticket. I am too cheap to gamble, probably a lot like Paul…

"I'm a gam-bl-in man."

“I’m a gam-bl-in man.”

In the intro, we find out that the family would go to the dog track every Monday for a matinee. They note this hobby is passed down from generation to generation. Mark only bets when he knows he can win or he can cheat to win–this is why Mark is the worst person on earth.

Gambling HATER.

Gambling HATER.

Their father bought them their childhood home because of gambling. Ahhh, now we know why Alma hates gambling! She was married to an addict. Donnie says gambling has bailed them out a hell of a lot of times. This seems like a very dangerous attitude.

This episode is Kari-free. Couldn't they have found her to film this scene? She can buy apples!

This episode is Kari-free. Couldn’t they have found her to film this scene? She can buy apples!

Paul is telling what seems to be a cook at the restaurant about how she needs to make apple butter for the new burger of the month with galas. Was this too much information? Maybe! But now I know what apples to buy when I make apple butter!

It's his "Oh no, it's Donnie." face.

It’s his “Oh no, it’s Donnie.” face.

He gets a call from Donnie who says he’s in Vegas–Paul looks really annoyed. Donnie says Paul needs to come out there to look at a new location. Paul initially refuses, and says “why does it always have to be tomorrow?”

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Brandon, son of Wahlberg brother Bob, is going to get burgers with a very good friend who he wants to introduce to Drama, probably because the kid looks just like Nacho.

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I was right! Drama is in shock and says he looks like a small version of Nacho and that there’s got to be some kind of connection. Ummmm, they both like burgers?

"I'm not a prop in the competition segment of your dumb reality show! Oh wait..."

“I’m not a prop in the competition segment of your dumb reality show! Oh wait…”

The kid, who I later learn is named Pat, says “oh hell no.” Brandon says he’s nothing like Nacho and claims Pat is more like drama because he raps. Ohhh I hope we get to see him rap and it’s terrible.

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Then Drama proposes some kind of insane rap battle between Pat, Brandon, Nacho and Mark. I doubt Mark is interesting in rapping anymore. Maybe he can sing “Feel My Heat“?

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In Las Vegas, Paul is wondering if it’s always hot. Why haven’t we met Rick, CEO of Wahlburgers, before–he’s kind of hot in his old man way! (His last name is Vanzura and he got an OUI a few years ago!) The new location is going to be in the Grand Bazaar Shops.

The site looks like this:

Via Eater.

Via Eater.

We meet John and Matt, who are their two biggest investors in Wahlburgers Las Vegas.

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I still have not figured out who they are, it is hard to Google dudes in Vegas named John and Matt who invest in stuff.

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Donnie says this location is a no-brainer because of its proximity to the strip and all of the hotels. Paul is more concerned with how it looks on the inside, of course, cause it’s Paul. Donnie says if you can’t get excited about this location, you can’t get excited. That is a really big proclamation, mister.

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Paul attempts to be cool with this glasses.

Donnie puts on a hardhat to calm Paul down for some reason.

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Check out my GUNS!!!


Paul does feel better that Donnie’s safe, though no one feels better once he starts dancing in the middle of a construction site. Paul: “I don’t need to do the Village People right now–I need to see the location.” Paul is serious man of business.

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Paul seems to be really impressed with the space–it’s very large and open with high ceilings. One of the investors says there will be a billboard of Paul, which angers Donnie.

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The investor says they already have 2000 people applying for jobs! Donnie thought Paul should go to some job interviews while he was there, because he’s not going to obviously gamble.

This storyline is even less interesting than the other one.

This storyline is even less interesting than the other one.

Drama, Nacho, Mark, Brandon (“mini-Mark”) and Pat (“mini-Nacho”) are playing at the Dorchester Boys Club. Mark recognizes Pat as a Mini-Nacho immediately and calls Nacho over and says, “you had a kid and didn’t tell me”!

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Then Nacho puts his arm around Pat, who is a total stranger to him. Nacho said it could be his–he was with a lot of women when he was younger. GROAN.

Now they’re playing basketball and Mark is refereeing. Mark, who did an exercise video, is once again coaching instead of doing physical activity.

This lady is applying for "hostess with the mostest" (her words).

This lady is applying for “hostess with the mostest” (her words).

Back in Vegas, the auditions interviews at Wahlburgers have begun. One chef studied at the Cordon Bleu, but most of the people are just characters, like they only showed up to be on TV. Many of them have headshot resumes. Paul says it’s like American Idol tryouts.

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Paul is disappointed he’s not really finding anybody, & calls the people Vegas-y. He says they’re more like Donnie.

Hang on. This is just one of THREE restaurants Wahlburgers is opening in Las Vegas! Why don’t we hear about the other two–what’s going on? Is this show some kind of scam?



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Back in Dorchester, there is still some kind of basketball competition going on, but I don’t really care because all Mark does is competitions, and this is the most depressing game of basketball I have ever seen. I mean, I could do better than this–not just because I went to basketball camp. Twice.

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Drama calls this the saddest day he’s ever seen. Which is true because nobody can really make any shots. Much like my fantasy basketball team lately.

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Mark is yelling at Nacho that he needs to make it in–there’s $100 at stake! He seems disappointed that they’re both not very good at basketball.

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Starring Mary the blackjack dealer.

Donnie is convinced gambling will make Paul feel better, so he takes him to a casino where they are filmed playing blackjack. Somehow I feel like the casinos don’t allow people to film them like this–it has to be fake! Donnie calls Paul a cooler.

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I’m not really interested in Donnie teaching Paul how to gamble–watching other people gamble, as it turns out, is not very interesting. Paul and Donnie are losing so they’re raising the stakes. Donnie says this never happens to him and he always wins in Vegas.

I’m noticing hear that Alma hasn’t been in this episode except the beginning and that’s kind of okay with me.

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Drama yells at Nacho, saying he’s only one point away from the hundo, which he could probably spend on burgers in Wahlburgers in one evening.

Here's your hundo. Mark is so street.

Here’s your hundo. Mark is so street.

In the end, Nacho beat a child in basketball and then says Nacho Extreme. Mark gives Nacho his hundred dollar bill and hopefully this fucking storyline is over soon.

Pat, you fucking suck.

Pat, you fucking suck.

Pat’s payment is that he has to rap for everybody–he said something about Pippin and drippin then whatever.  He even noticed that it was bad, but then he messed up and he tried to start again with the same rap and Mark said you need to freestyle something else. He was disappointed that Pat keeps pulling out the same thing. Mark gives him an A for effort (but who is he really to judge?), but thought he should rap about some stuff that just happened instead of a basketball rap he had already prepared.

That's Paul back over Donnie's left shoulder.

That’s Paul behind Donnie’s left shoulder.

Back at the casino, the boys are still gambling. I wish they could interview people again because that at least reminded me of a show I love, American Idol (seriously, how GOOD is Rayvon??). Donnie told Paul he needs to get away from him so he stands behind him and it’s hilarious.

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Donnie won and got really excited, but Paul says his brother has a rabbit’s foot up his ass.

Donnie says “gambling is only a metaphor for what we’re trying to do. You have to be willing to fail in order to succeed.” No Donnie, gambling is exactly what you’re doing–it’s not a metaphor. You are gambling with your restaurant, it’s the same word and usage!!

Paul offers the blackjack dealer a job at Wahlburgers where she would probably make 10% of her salary at the casino.

At the end there’s a little bit of Donnie dancing and he hit his head on the microphone. It’s really entertaining–probably the most entertaining thing that happened during the entire episode. Besides this:

How does Donnie have time to do this show AND Donnie loves Jenny–he must have a very busy filming schedule!



Note to producers for future episodes: come up with new storylines involving Mark that are not competitions.


  1. Except you have not busted anything,

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