Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recap, Wahlbowlers


Me too, Donnie, me too.

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We learn that everybody (LITERALLY EVERYONE) in Dorchester is very competitive, because Paul and Mark verify it. Mark looks like he was wearing a hat for eight days and then took it off.

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They played stickball, basketball… the Wahlberg boys would go toe to toe with anybody. We know this already because 1/3 of these episodes have featured competitions. We are pretty close to this show turning into some version of The Challenge.

No one wanted to lose, especially not to the Wahlbergs, probably because they were cocky dicks. Alma thought they had to prove something.

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Paul prepared two burgers for Donnie to taste and says that the winner will they will enter into the Battle of the Burger contest.

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Donnie suggests using his burger, but Paul says if you use that it will win and embarass the competition. Yeah, ok…

"Avocado, jalepeno."

“Avocado, jalepeno.”

First up: OFD burger (Originally from Dorchester, we later find out). This 8 ounce burger contains Swiss cheese, mushrooms, tomato jam, & bacon.

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Donnie, who must not eat like the celebrity he is, focuses so much on the “tomato jam” part of the burger, and thinks jelly should NOT be on the sandwich. He also suggests Paul put government cheese on there, since it’s originally from Dorchester, not from Switzerland. Paul doesn’t understand how Swiss cheese is fancy! I agree, because it’s on multiple sandwiches at Wendy’s.

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The other option for the competition is lobster salad on a burger with tartar sauce and tomato, which Paul calls surf and turf, but Donnie says it looks more fruity. Donnie also notes that the lobster has a texture that doesn’t quite gel with beef. Paul doesn’t seem to like his brother’s assessments, as he says Donnie will not be giving input next year on this contest.

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The  OFD burger is declared the winner, but again, Donnie says nothing from it it’s from Dorchester and reminds Paul that if he loses by not picking the Donnie Burger “we’re going to have a problem.” ANOTHER THREAT!

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Mark is with his boys and asking them about the auditions that they’re going to because he is been setting them up. He has a speaking gig for Nacho at UMass that he can’t attend. He thinks that there’s no one who could better convey the message of  “you can do whatever you can as long as you can dream it” than Nacho. I will agree, but only if that dream is eating divots.

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Kari, the best person on this show, and Brandon, son of brother Bob, are wearing bowling shirts that say “wahlbowlers” on the back –apparently there’s a bowling league! Unfortunately, their record in their league is 0-8.

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How did no one knew about this before especially Paul, because he seems to be at the restaurant all the time–why would he not know that there’s a bowling league named after his restaurant? Donnie is very disappointed that they have not won any matches yet and Brandon says they still have two games left in the season.

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Kari says thanks to the pressure from Donnie and Paul, this is turned into the World Cup of bowling. This is going to turn into a way bigger thing than it needs to be, mostly because this is a reality show that needs a storyline.

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Paul says they need to win this burger competition–they need to put their best foot forward. However, there’s a lot of competition out there and he’s very nervous. Even tiny Richmond has a ton of restaurants with renowned burgers so I’m sure this is very competitive!

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Paul is telling his employees that customers will want to have conversations with them and ask about Donnie and Mark. With that, Paul rolled his eyes.

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Mark is calling him from a private kitchen (his? I don’t know, I wish they would tell us!). He warns Paul he’s not trying  to add to his stress but Larry Houghton, an investor in Alma Nove and Wahlburgers, is going to be there.  Oh my God I am so glad Larry is back, he is the most searched thing on this site! I wrote more about him here, but he is basically a Canadian real estate mogul.

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Nacho is getting ready to speak in front of UMass kids and he’s nervous that he’s going to get heckled. He’s speaking to freshmen at Beacon Beginnings, their summer orientation program for incoming freshmen.

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The guy on stage says that Mark couldn’t be there, because he’s filming Ted 2, but he sending his number two man. I work at a university (closely with the orientation department, actually) and there is no way we would ever even try to get someone has famous as Nacho to speak. Maybe if Nacho already taught in the theater department.

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When he walks up to the stage, he stops.

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Drama is so worried!

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He starts with some horrible rapping and then he just starts talking whole lot of nonsense.

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Even drama noticed that he was rambling.

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So did this girl. I have so much second hand embarassment for him. Why didn’t he prepare anything? I speak in front of people all the time for my job and I write everything down.

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Larry and his amazingly beautiful daughters show up at the burger competion.


Suddenly, I am reminded who Larry and his daughters remind me of: Jerry and the Gergich girls on Parks and Recreation.

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Larry/Jerry is putting the Donnie pressure on him: “we gotta win!!”

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Back at UMass, Nacho tells Drama he thinks he bombed, and Drama is in complete agreement with him.

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Drama takes control in the cafeteria. Thankfully, Nacho has a talent that is not public speaking and it’s ingesting weird shit.

The kids love it!

The kids love it!

Drama says it doesn’t matter that he can’t speak in public because what does matter is that he makes the kids happy by drinking hot sauce.

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I can’t even drink beer as fast as Nacho drank hot sauce.

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He really did bring smiles to the faces of these upcoming college freshmen.

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Paul says he gave out over 1000 burgers, but there’s a lot of other good burger places in the area. He looks so nervous–he wants to win so badly for his family, for Larry, and for show drama.

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All of the participants start moving towards the stage and they’re bringing out the three finalists: Joe’s American Bar and Grill, Lincoln Tavern & Restaurant and The Blue Ox. I like that Wahlburgers is actually not top three.

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Larry and one of his pretty daughter says they’re here to support Paul and aren’t mad he didn’t win. Awww, so supportive!

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Donnie joins everyone at wall burgers and asks Paul “why the long face?” Maybe he lost because you were pressuring him so much, how about that Donnie??!! Donnie mentions again that he honestly thinks if Paul would’ve use the Donnie burger, he would have won.

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Then Brandon says that they lost the bowling tournament again and Donnie is again very disappointed–he thinks Paul should join the gang for the last bowling match of the season.

Then everyone did a cute cheer!

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Drama shows Mark nachos lecture to the students. Hearing any part of it again is making me embarrassed for him. Mark says the original approach of being an inspirational speaker did not work. Mark gives his friend an A for effort and says it’s not an easy thing to do. Mark says Nacho can always go to the trump card, he can always go to the Tabasco. If all else fails, drink some Tabasco. Eww.

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Now they’re bowling. Everyone on the opposing team is older, and Paul calls them seasoned but he still wants to win.

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Alma surprised everyone by showing up to the bowling alley and brings a surprise in a bowling bag it’s a fancy ball! It was Paul’s fathers, and it has Alma’s name on it for good luck.

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It is glorious. My parents were bowlers back in the day and my mother has this marble red, white, and blue ball, along with tons of tee shirts, bowling gloves, and towels (to wipe the balls off, duh). Now that is a sport that costs money.

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Paul says they’re going to make this happen everyone then rubs the ball for good luck or something it’s very strange. Unfortunately, Paul can’t put his fingers into the bowling ball. The other team is pretty good, but wahlbowlers at least aren’t terrible, better than me probably.

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Somehow it comes down to Paul–SHOCKING. He uses his dad’s ball and can barely get his fingers in it. He immediately throws a GUTTER BALL. He has one more chance to make it and he actually knocks down all tenpins and gets a spare! Donnie says when Paul believes that himself nobody can beat him in anything.

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