Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recap, Wedding Bliss and Big Papi Hits

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So far I have not been able to recap a complete season of Wahlburgers–the show gets so bogged down in fake storylines a la American Pickers. I am going to try again with season three. But the technology available to me is better this season, as I have replaced my cell phone photos of my TV with actual screencaps.

David Ortiz 1

Both via.

Both via.

This episode featured hero of Boston, Red Sox DH David Ortiz, who got his own “Big Papi” Burger of the Month at Wahlburgers. I was mildly looking forward to this episode because I love baseball.

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Donnie opens the episode, saying Wahlbergs are Bostonians, and all Bostonians believe in bad luck and jinxing. Each member of the family has their own superstitions, which they each list.

Does he look like "the kiss of death" to you?

Does he look like “the kiss of death” to you?

Paul says he does not go see the Red Sox during the playoffs–he calls himself “the kiss of death,” and his brothers are in total agreement.

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On the Wahlburgers patio, Paul meets Kari and Billy, Mark’s childhood friend, which the show reminds us of every time he appears on screen.

WOWDAVIDORTIZIMSOEXCITEDNVMWHOTHEFUCKISTHAT

OMGDAVIDORTIZIMSOEXCITEDWHOTHEFUCKISTHAT

He tells them David Ortiz wants him to go over to his house and they high five him! Then Kari says “Who the hell is David Ortiz?” DOES SHE LIVE IN A HOLE?

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Paul interviews that they are doing a burger of the month for David Ortiz, the heart and soul of the Red Sox.

Wait, isn’t Dustin Pedroia the heart and soul of the Red Sox? Oh well.

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Kari, wearing one of those comfy silk-ish utility blouses, says, “Ohhhh I know now, the guy with the dreadlocks.” Paul replies,”That would be Manny. Manny is no longer with us.” Kari says, “But I didn’t know.” [Manny Ramirez, who I guess Kari confused him for David Ortiz because both their names end in Z, has cut his glorious dreads, since the minor league team he signed with in 2013 did not allow them. As of right now he does not play baseball but he is 42 so his prime is well behind him. Don’t feel bad for Manny.]

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On the patio of Alma Nove are Donnie and his mother. OMG what is with the patios today?
Alma says, “Donnie, when are you going to tell me when the wedding is?”

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Donnie interviews that this is a good news/bad news moment. He tells Alma the wedding is going to be in Chicago, which is NOT Boston and HOW DARE HE.

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Alma then suggests they have two weddings, which Donnie quickly shoots down, because no one wants to pay for two weddings.

Alma says she can’t fly to Chicago, because every time she flies, she gets a sinus infection. I get like five of those a year just by inheriting my dad’s sinuses, and I would gladly suffer another one to go out of town. She doesnt want to be sick at his wedding.

Donnies brilliant idea: a tour bus. “Dont say no, it will be like having home on that bus. You can bring Phyllis.” The look on Alma’s face when he mentions Phyllis is fantastic. I can’t wait to meet Phyllis, she sounds fun! Alma wants to do her best to be there for Donnie.

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At David Ortiz’ house, Paul is in his kitchen!!! It’s so pretty.

Note: David Ortiz has a Louis Vuitton plaque in his kitchen and a fancy espresso machine. Also behind him are some tiny pumpkins.

Note: David Ortiz has a Louis Vuitton plaque in his kitchen and a fancy espresso machine. Also behind him are some tiny pumpkins.

Paul tells him about the burger he is going to make for him (inspired by the Dominican Republic, where Ortiz is from) and he says, “I can feel the flavor in this, which is my favorite.” No, you are MY favorite, David Ortiz.

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“We can do this every day if you want. I can try your burgers every day.” Paul is like in shock and then alludes to how he is a jinx by saying if Ortiz has a bad night, don’t put it on him.

Ortiz asks Paul if he has any superstitions–if there is something that he has to do every day, or his food won’t turn out. (Note: baseball players are NOTORIOUSLY superstitious.)

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Paul says he keeps his superstitions on the ball field. He tells Ortiz about how, since 1986, the Red Sox have lost every play off game he’s attended, which delights Ortiz.

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Paul gives Ortiz the burger and he’s really nervous that he won’t like it! Ortiz says, “mmmm mmmmm mmmm I could eat this all day” and then he reaches for his branded salsa, which he smothers on his burger.

Papi salsa!

Papi salsa!

Paul eats it too and says “thats it.”

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Foreshadowing…

 

“This is going to be Papi burger?” What a way to sell a bunch of Big Papi salsa at once, to Wahlburgers.

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Phyllis and Alma waiting for the bus in front of Wahlburgers. Donnie says this was the Beach Boys’ tour bus, who she loves. It is bigger than some of my former apartments. Phyllis says she’s ready to dance! She’s a hoot.

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Brandon the grandson shows up and he says Donnie gave him very strict instructions to get the women there on time. He didn’t know Phyllis was going, and he thinks that is a problem. Donnie interviews “Alma has OCD and Phyllis has ADD, that’s probably gonna make Brandon M-A-D.”

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Alma calls Donnie and says she’s going to miss her dogs. He tells her to get in the bus. No stops, no detours.
DONT STOP THE BUS.

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Brandon is setting ground rules on the bus. Alma says they have to get something special for Donnie, so Brandon says they can make one stop. Because celebrities obviously want shit you buy them at a rest stop. Alma then tells him to suck an egg, obviously thinking it’s 1952.

Get under here, little boy!

Get under here, little boy!

Phyllis laments that she did not bring her sexy negligee, all she brought were the “pajaaammmas” and “you don’t know who’ll you run into.” Phyllis is a delight! She also offers to let Brandon under her blanket. Eww. TOO FAR.

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Kari sees Paul at Wahlburgers, making one burger, which Ortiz says helped him at the plate. Paul says whatever helps him is good for the team. Kari drives him over to David Ortiz’ house.

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Kari opens the sports app on her phone. It is some kind of PRODUCT PLACEMENT but I don’t know what it is placing.

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We do find out that we’re about 144 games into the baseball season, meaning there are about 18 games left, putting the date of this car trip on approximately September 15th.

Donnie and Jenny’s wedding was August 31st according to People so this myth is BUSTED!

Brandon puts music on in the bus, Motown. Phyllis immediately starts to dance.

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GET DOWNNN GIRLLLL.

Alma is overjoyed with Phyllis’ dancing. The bus driver and Brandon are nonplussed.

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At some point she strips her jacket off.

Brandon switches to hip hop to calm Phyllis down, who dances like a fool anyway. Alma grabs the remote and switches the music back and high fives Phyllis.

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Kari is worried shes going to have to incorporate the Red Sox’ schedule into Paul’s schedule, but she’s excited to see David Ortiz’ house.

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When he gets the burger, Ortiz makes his usual point to the sky that he does when he hits a home run. He hopes this becomes a regular thing.

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This is the face of a kid whose shopaholic grandmother just bought him some dress shirts!

In Indiana, the two ladies on the party bus ask Brandon what he is wearing to the wedding. He plans to wear a polo shirt with a suit. Alma throws him some shirts and ties she picked up for him. He looks at the bag and says, “What’s this, a quilt?” HAHA Brandon keep it up with those old lady jokes, Phyllis will just try even harder to be creepy.

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He does a fashion show!

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Phyllis likes everything and tells him that he should be a male model.

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At Wahlburgers, Rajon Rondo comes in and says David Ortiz told him to try the burger. (I could not really find evidence that they were friends but there’s this and I learned Rondo is pals with my bearded basketball boyfriend Kevin Love.)

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The BEST part about this is that Rondo was just traded to the Dallas Mavericks so he is called “former Boston Celtic.” POOR RONDO!!! Paul even says “Rajon Rondo was the point guard for the Boston Celtics.” I guess I can’t bust this myth and the producers actually corrected something!

Rondo should move to DC and be Katie's boyfriend. Younger man, yowzaaaa.

Rondo should move to DC and be Katie’s boyfriend. Younger man, yowzaaaa.

Then Rondo wants a Rondo burger too–ketchup, lettuce and tomato. That is now never going to happen but can I suggest a Kelly Olynyk burger?

I wanted to make a graphic with him sandwiched between two buns but you'll just have to imagine it. Via.

I wanted to make a graphic with him sandwiched between two buns but you’ll just have to imagine it. Via.

Ortiz calls and demands another burger from Paul. Kari tells Paul Big Papi did not have a hit the night before.

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Paul feels he has to follow the same steps he does all the time for Ortiz to hit better.

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According to the footage, the rag tag bus gang goes to an antique mall somewhere in Indiana. However, according to Google, the Premier Antique Center is in Clarence, New York.

Donnie interviews that Alma would rather shop than eat.

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They try on hats, which is something Katie and I would do. Brandon worries he is never getting out of there and encourages them to find a gift and leave.

Uhhh...that one?

Uhhh…that one?

Alma picks a glass decanter set and Brandon says, lets wrap it up and go. Donnie is proud.

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Paul gives Big Papi his burger and asks him about his struggles the night before and  if his burger caused it. Papi said not to think that and he just loves the burgers. Now that he has Papi settled, Paul can move on to Donnie’s wedding.

But probably not, because it was three weeks prior to this Ortiz segment.

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Who wrapped this present? When? Did they bring wrapping paper or make another stop? SO MANY MYSTERIES.

In Chicago, we see that Alma et. al are staying at Hotel Baker. From the previews of the Donnie and Jenny show I saw on E! (ugh), this is where they got married.

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Brandon interviews that he is never getting on that bus again. Donnie is in the lobby and interviews that if Alma didn’t love Jenny as much as she did, she wouldn’t have come.

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Donnie poses and lets Phyllis grab is butt. He says, “thanks, I appreciate that.” PHYLLIS, DON’T EVER CHANGE.

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At the very end, we get a clip of Jenny reading her Wahlburgers order to Donnie over facetime, probably to get people to watch their show that premiered after Wahlburgers, which I will not be watching.

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