Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recap, What’s For Dinner?

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Mark Wahlberg Boogie Nights 4

The name of this episode is so dumb. “____ Like a Popstar,” now that’s an episode-naming convention I can get down with. [Let’s all take a moment to be sad that The Wanted are on a break and that Max George was kind of an ass in the press. -K]

I turned this show on early because I was so excited about Jenny McCarthy that I suffered through 7 minutes of Duck Dynasty without killing myself! It’s a miracle! I hope she doesn’t mention autism and immunization. It was filmed before she made out with Donnie on live TV.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Growing up, the Wahlbergs had dinner together ever evening. They even had cereal night!

Here, Donnie talks about the psychological connections to food in a nice moto jacket. BULL TRUE.

Here, Donnie talks about the psychological connections to food while wearing a nice moto jacket. BULL TRUE.

Really, they would eat any concoction Alma could come up with–it was not about the food but love and togetherness with family (GAG).

The long, long story of Wahlburgers. I pretend "Step by Step" (oooh baby) is playing in the background.

The long, long story of Wahlburgers. I pretend “Step by Step” (oooh baby) is playing in the background.

We are then forced to sit through he worst opening titles ever. I thought last week it was part of the episode, but it appears every week they will discuss having nine children, growing up poor, etc.

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At Alma Nove, Alma is talking with her fellow hostess (they are never busy, why do they need two?), whose name does not matter. Alma is going to have dinner with Donnie and his new girlfriend Jenny McCarthy, except she doesn’t know who she is! The other hostess is making fun of her for not watching Singled Out or reading wacko anti-immunization parenting books (I might have made that up). I don’t know if this was filmed before Jenny got The View in October. If so, Alma was just pretending to not know who she is, since you know she watches that shit every morning.

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Back at Alma’s place, Jenny is so excited to meet her future mother-in-law (they are not engaged but I am hoping).

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After commenting how good everything smells, Jenny was immediately put to work cutting bread, a chore that totally matches her skill level.

I do not understand table bread that is not covered in garlic and olive oil.

I do not understand table bread that is not covered in garlic and olive oil.

This bread remains untoasted and naked on the table, which is the first clue that Alma is not a good cook. The cuts are uneven and some of it looks ripped off. You had ONE job to do, McCarthy!

Donnie suggests they do a burger of the month for Jenny but give it a better name than his–which, if you remember last week’s episode, was Donnie’s Double D.

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Jenny, in the kitchen with Alma, wants to know Donnie’s nicknames, though she could probably figure those out from old issues of Tiger Beat. Alma tells her he was called Baby Donnie, which tickles Jenny, who is over 40 and wearing a cheap-looking sweater that says LOVE on it.  [Melissa, Jenny’s hair scares me. I thought she had a cute bob. Do you think Donnie wants her to look this trashy?-K]

Somewhere along the way Donnie "ate" dog food. Sadly we don't see the dog. :(

Somewhere along the way Donnie “ate” dog food. Sadly we don’t see the dog. 🙁

Alma agrees to share her sauce recipe with Jenny. I never thought about the Wahlberg’s ethnic background, but Alma’s use of the word sauce is an automatic indicator that she is not Italian. We call it gravy.

Paul is mad because he doesn’t even have his mom’s recipe–he probably uses a fancy pants recipe that he learned in chef school. We all know where this is going, and Donnie charges Paul and Alma to a sauce off!

Alma says she’ll feel bad for Paul when he loses.

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Donnie tells Jenny that Paul is doing a burger for her, and she mentions she’s from Chicago. Paul asks what’s in a Chicago burger and she says you should know, you’re the chef. I think Jenny doesn’t actually know the answer.

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Paul starts talking about the components of a Chicago burger and Donnie stops him, arguing that you should not use the word components when talking about food. What the fuck word is he supposed to use, Donnie? You are not a chef, you were in a boy band in the 80s and now you are the second most famous actor in your family and are dating the #1 most annoying woman on The View.

Paul accuses Alma of cheating, and putting meat in the sauce. Was this filmed after the competition ended? Alma says her sauce is better.

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Blonde girl, your name might have been on screen, but I have never been able to retain it because no one says it out loud.

Then we see her tell her hostess friend AKA way to avoid another needless talking head and she says she likes Jenny but gives no specifics.

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At work, Paul calls Mark about the sauce competition. Mark says they need to open a Wahlburgers in Beijing, China by June and he will have to visit China by the end of the year.

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Paul is very uncomfortable about this news. We see that Mark’s office is bigger than my house. Also, I think he volunteered to judge the sauce but we can’t be sure. He is not impartial and he knows the difference between the sauces. Let Kari judge them! She needs something to do.

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Paul serves a group of taste testers (including Kari, YAY!) at the restaurant a hotdog burger on large (we later find out ciabatta) buns. The testers think Jenny will love it!

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Nacho shows up and he wants to taste it. He wants a Nacho burger on the menu REALLY bad. Paul is safe in the kitchen but Nacho comes and harasses him. Because Paul is a realist and I dig that about him, he insists that Nacho give him some concrete ideas for this magical Nacho burger, but Nacho cannot produce this. Nacho acts like a child and calls Mark, who says a Nacho burger is a good idea, but also fails to give Paul any inspiration for the burger’s theme.

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“Can’t you tell I’m super busy mincing onions?”

Mark then talks about Nacho the human vacuum again–apparently it started when our boy ate a lobster shell and steak bone. Mark suggests they have an eating contest.

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Nacho eats four burgers in nine minutes–people cheer him on like a scene in Man v. Food. Paul yells at Nacho and compares his restaurant to Mark’s set (oooh smart move, Paul). He says it is not funny in middle of dinner service to act like a dick. However, Nacho won the burger challenge, leading Mark to call his friend a superstar in the making.

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Donnie comes in tells Paul that Alma’s sauce is not a family recipe, but is instead from a lady she worked with at the bank over 30 years ago. Paul, probably with producer manipulation, overreacts and says his life is shot and his childhood is ruined. Donnie says its crazy to think Alma came up with this recipe on her own since she’s Irish. Donnie is so smart.

JUST KIDDING! You guys, I am so funny.

“JUST KIDDING! You guys, I am so funny.”

Paul decided to call Jenny’s burger “My Brothers Girls Dog,” which is really hard to say, so he changed it to “Jenny’s Chicago Dog.”

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No one wants to offend Paul with a bad judgement on the hot dog, since he worked so hard. Jenny is surprised to say its really freaking good–“gourmet and cool,” WTF?–and Donnie says she knows that made Paul happy. They eat about two bites.

It looks like smushed hot dogs.

It looks like smushed hot dogs.

When we see a close up of the menu I notice that this is made with “three hot dog patties.” I think “patty” is one of my least favorite words. I will take a regular hot dog but please don’t give me a “patty,” I will puke.

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Kari gets a job! She is allowed to overnight sauce to Mark to make the final judgement. Mark immediately knows which one is which and he and Drama agree that Alma’s is better.

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I think he just wants to retain his position as favorite. Drama tells him to give Paul’s sauce to the cat.

Look at this cute lil BAYBAYYYYY.

Look at this cute lil BAYBAYYYYY.

I hope that didn’t happen because it would have made the cat ill, but I was pleased to see Mark is also a cat lover. I’m sad that Mark didn’t “feel the heat” of Paul’s probably superior marinara gravy:

Mark Wahlberg Boogie Nights 9

Gifs from giphy, chacounmesgouts, wutangwookie. All screencaps by me.

9 Comments

  1. I have a friend whose daughter began to digress after a round of vaccines when she was one. Quit talking, responding to her mother, etc. Shes now 10, and never recovered. I think you should be careful before you make such judgements. Its easy to talk when it hasn’t happened to yourself, but God forbid it ever does.

  2. I’m sorry but u r wrong we call it Sauce, gravy is brown..born in the u.s. But.I am a full blooded italian from New York State ….

  3. I am with Reenie. I am also full blooded Italian and we call it sauce. Gravy goes on mashed potatoes.

  4. I love the walburgs, they r what the American Dream is all about- lets also not forget this is a reality show so whoever the person is making the stupid comments after each picture—- grow up life is to short to be such an ass– much love from Big Papa

  5. Sauce is red Gravy is light or dark brown. I’m from Va, living in NY. Right there w/ my NY peeps! Actually in Va we call sauce Spaghetti sauce. Even if its not on spaghetti noodles lol…… PEACE!! LOVE THEM WAHLBERGS!!!

  6. Here is an excerpt of a documentary narrated by the AWESOME Robert Loggia in which he refers to what Americans call “sauce” as “gravy.” So yes some people call the red stuff that goes on pasta “gravy” and some people call it “sauce.”

  7. Also Robert Loggia is an amazing individual!

  8. Pingback: Jenny McCarthy Gets Engaged to Donnie WahlbergYou By My Side | You By My Side

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