Smart ladies love dumb TV, Wahlburgers recaps, The Funky Bunch & Pauliday

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TWO episodes of Wahlburgers aired on Wednesday and due to some time-consuming schoolwork this week, I’m posting the recaps a few days later. I apologize, but I promise that these recaps are totally worth waiting for. Kinda. Maybe.

The Funky Bunch

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The gist of this week’s opening: music is so important to the Wahlbergs.

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Celebrities buy the same grocery store snack trays as us!

Celebrities: they buy the same grocery store snack trays as us!

At Alma’s, Paul, Drama, Donnie decided to have one of their classic back alley card games, which were popular during the New Kids years. The talk turns to music because it’s the theme of the episode, and Donnie yammers on about when they were kids,  and how all weekend Alma would play records on their only record player. All of this had a huge impact on Donnie, and he can see Alma’s dreams in her love of music.

Donnie shows us how someone took the record player.

Donnie shows us how someone took the record player.

The stereo was her whole life but someone stole the record player right from the window–her Odyssey record, Tracy’s Saturday Night Fever LP and a few other ones were on it. It was the saddest day in Wahlberg history.  Donnie says that’s why Wahlburgers needs a jingle, he talked to Mark about it. This is a practical joke, we soon learn,  and Paul’s brothers love to do this crap.

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Paul, as usual, wants to focus on the business, not on jingles. Paul, there would not be an episode if it weren’t for this jingle thing. Donnie and Drama argue that jingles made businesses what they are.

Donnie: “Two all beef patties, special sauce…”
Paul: “That’s just a description of their burger.”
Donnie: “In a jingle.”

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Donnie loves watching Paul sweat. Paul says he would rather focus on the product than coming up with a snazzy jingle.

It’s Jenny McCarthy’s birthday! Alma wants to get her a gift, but Donnie realizes he will have to shop with his mom. [At some point I Googled Donnie, and I had no idea his apartment flooded in Sandy and he took video! Sad.]

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Drama visits Paul at work and says thank you for letting him write a rap for the jingle. Mark gave Drama some lines to work with. “Shake your shoulders Paul,” Drama says when he starts the “performance.” At least Paul nods his head.

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Here are the words to Drama’s jingle:
Sometimes ain’t all what it seems
Wahlburgers, not too {later, “Nacho”} extreme
Since ’79 I’ve been keeping it green
I’ll wear your burgers on my triple beam
French fries, so crispy so crunchy
Late at night, when Dram gets his munchies
Runs down to the Wahlburgers [cuts off]

I love how this was filmed next to the restaurant board with the schedule, events postings and labor laws.

I love how this was filmed next to the restaurant board with the schedule, events postings and labor laws.

Paul: “Who put you up to this??” He doesn’t want to be the one to tell these people no.

Mark is so amused by his friend.

Mark is so amused by his friend.

Drama tells Mark that he has recorded it. Mark says Drama has always wanted to be in the music industry. Plays him the song and there were extra lyrics from what he told Paul but I did not write them down because I am doing too much work for this show. Drama says this rap without Nacho is like “Big Mac without the special sauce.”

Right out of sight here is a stuffed bear from Ted on the couch.

Right out of sight here is a stuffed bear from Ted on the couch.

Mark calls it “so bad it’s good” and tells Drama “God bless America.” Drama says Mark should get behind it so Drama has a chance (I love that he thinks he can win though he knows this is fake). He wants to record a video and Mark says “maybe a good jingle will come out of it.”

This is the most attractive capture I could get to show "NKOTB Member."

This is the most attractive capture I could get to show “NKOTB Member,” which tickled me.

Donnie called Joey McIntyre from NKTOB (who recently bought a house in Plymouth, MA that looks so pretty) to come in put a jingle together. He tells Joey this is fake but that they really need to make Paul believe. Paul goes to the hotel room and then interviews “Joe McIntyre. One of the New Kids. Good guy. Great guy.” It makes me laugh at how he says this without feeling. Donnie tells Paul that Joey will present some of his jingle ideas. Paul: “You brought this poor guy down here for that?” Oh Paul, you must really have no sense of humor if people will go this out of their way to play elaborate pranks on you.

Ba dah dahhhh!

Ba dah bahhhh!

Joey sings a Buble-esque number with Donnie in the background making high hat jazz noises:
“Who’s got that burger with that sweet special sauce?
What burger joint shows the other who’s boss?
If you want the triple decker than you know where to meet
Yeah those boys from Dorchester really know how to eat
Let’s go to Wahlburgers! {ba dah bahhh} Let’s go to Wahlburgers! {ba dah bahhh}
That high class burger with government cheese
Yeah those {dark rats?} [ed note: I watched this ten times and still don’t know what he was singing] boys really know how to please”

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Paul calls this a Family Guy moment and he has never been so right in his life. They keep showing how he was sitting on his hands and being uncomfortable.

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Donnie loves torturing Paul and reminds his brother that dad loved big band music. Joey guarantees that Paul will have that song in his head. Donnie thinks it’s hilarious that everyone knows this is a joke but they want their jingle to be picked.

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Alma and Donnie go shopping for Jenny in HomeGoods, which is by the way, one of my least favorite places on earth.

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Alma can’t focus on anything and loses Donnie, who calls this “one of her shopping binges.” Asks a stranger about “a woman with OCD,” which is certainly not want he means–I’m guessing  he means ADHD, and people confusing these disorders really bothers me. He pages his mother over the loud speaker. This store isn’t really that big–it’s no Garden Ridge.

I can't ever find this much stuff in HomeGoods that I would want to buy.

I can’t ever find this much stuff in HomeGoods that I would want to buy.

Donnie knocks over a bunch of stuff because he is pushing several carts. They get Jenny a rando tea set, nothing as awesome as all the shit Alma bought for herself.

I'm endlessly amused that Drama got a whole band, including back up singers.

I’m endlessly amused that Drama got a whole band, including back up singers.

Drama has a band to film the video and he’s “rapping” while his BFF Nacho is smiling and dancing on the sidelines, probably because his name is in the song. I understand that, there’s not enough songs with Melissa in them that are any good.

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Next we see Paul watching the video with Alma. Donnie, busy editing Blue Bloods, stops his work to watch the Drama video.

This was totally cute.

This was totally cute.

He chair dances and calls the video “genius.” Paul is “not a big fan” but Donnie vows to make it viral. Alma urges him to fess up and he tells Paul it’s a joke–they only have one restaurant, duh–and he should have “fought harder for no jingle, we wouldn’t have had to put you through all this.”

Donne asks Paul to sing Joey’s jingle to him and OF COURSE, he does it, because that song is catchy as fuck.

Jenny "loved" her tea set!

Jenny “loved” her tea set!


Paul’s birthday is always overlooked–it is somewhere in the month of March. When he was 22, he got a copy of his birth certificate and his date of birth was wrong. But because his family is insane, it turns out he had just been celebrating it on the wrong day for over twenty years. Classic Wahlberg.

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Mark, Donnie & Paul are playing basketball in Boys & Girls Club of Dorchester. Mark: “caught up in our own loves, our own families that this brings us all together.” Ask Paul if he’s taking his birthday off. They think he needs a break and should leave mom in charge. Paul is going to be 50!!!!!!! Donnie tells Paul to take the day off and he will plan something.

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Some kind of basketball competition. Mark says “Wanna make a bet?” and pulls out a WAD OF CASH. Rich people are weird. Paul misses the shot (it gets stuck between the basket and the board) so Donnie and Mark will plan something for his birthday.

I will note here that Paul’s birthday is in March and there are wreaths on the windows of Wahlburgers, which leads me to believe that this episode was not actually filmed on Paul’s real birthday (I’m guessing it was November-ish). As I know from watching Chasing the Saturdays and The Wanted Life (both, RIP), stuff like this is really easy to figure out and I wonder why reality show producers/editors aren’t more careful about it.

Christmas decorations! We are not stupid, producers.

Christmas decorations! We are not stupid, producers.

Donnie drives up in the exact kind of same car Paul had growing up. Paul: “I’ve got two places I’ve gotta run, I can’t.” Donnie urges him to get in the car and sit on these plush vinyl seats:



Kari says they should have a girls day, so she, Alma and McKenzie go to the spa as soon as Paul leaves. Way to shirk all responsibilities, ladies.

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The brothers drive through the neighborhoods and there are super beautiful houses all around. One of the only things I can identify is Pond Meadow Park, near Weymouth and Braintree, which are adjacent to Hingham. I did some more real estate stalking, OF COURSE, and I like the New England homes you can find in Weymouth, like this one built in 1928 on the water and this classic colonial.

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The boys drive to the first house Donnie ever bought. Donnie, Alma and Mark stood in the backyard that if he didn’t make any more money after that they would all get jobs. “I don’t think Mark ever got a job.” “No, he never got a job in his life.” “We had a lot of fun in this house.” Did Paul live there? He was probably in school and moved out by then. It is his birthday so why are we going on DONNIE’S trip down memory lane?

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Kari says the spa day is the only thing that makes sense. The girls are suggesting a bunch of treatments that are all weird and food-related and Alma tells Kari to “suck an egg.” Kari interviews that she is pissed off and doesn’t even know what suck an egg means. “Who would suck an egg?” This spa trip is going no where and I miss Joey McIntyre’s jingle.

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Paul is the worst driver, according to Donnie and Alma. He has been in many car accidents, which is not something I would expect from him. Going downtown to Boston and Paul insists on driving, so he does some donuts in the industrial park, freaking Donnie out.

While fast forwarding, I stop for a commercial for Billy on the Street which reminds me to add that to my DVR. It has been the highlight of the episode so far.

Oh Kari, you are such a joker!!

Oh Kari, you are such a joker!!

Kari tells spa girl that Alma is really interested in a bikini wax. Mark interviews that he doesn’t want to hear about that. Alma asks if they use tweezers. Har har har. One of your daughters-in-law is a model and Donnie is dating Jenny McCarthy so you probably know more about this than you let on.

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The girls are getting a massage and have rocks and their faces to relax. Alma does not want any of those because she has them in her fish tank. She doesn’t want the yam mask because it has things in it she wouldn’t eat. She calls the grapeseed exfoliator “brown doo doo stuff.” I am beginning to think Alma is just acting difficult because she thinks it’s funny. I am totally going to do that when I am old. WATCH OUT.



Donnie says the best present he could give Paul is a quality day with him. He is asking Paul for help because he needs lessons in cooking for Blue Bloods and would like 30 minute lesson in chopping vegetables. In the episode, he will be making stew for Tom Selleck. This is a sentence I didn’t think I would ever hear so let’s linger on it for a moment.

Jacques Pepin is soooo the cutest boy that has ever been on Wahlburgers.

Jacques Pepin is soooo the cutest boy that has ever been on Wahlburgers.

Then Donnie stops the chopping lesson and says, “You have been one of my inspirations so I wanted to bring one of your inspirations to meet you.” JACQUES PEPIN!!! I am so excited because I love, love that cute old French dude. Always been Paul’s idol his whole life, so this is a special moment for Paul. Pepin is one of the greatest teaching chefs ever. They cut an onion better than I could. Donnie encourages Jacques Pepin to come up with an idea for a Burger of the Month. I think Jacques is a little busy but that was a valiant try.

Your face, it is so youthful.

Your face, it is so youthful.

The girls get out of the spa and compliment Alma on looking so much younger and more relaxed after getting a massage. MacKenzie says Alma looks younger all the time. She’s 71!!!

Paul freaking out in the car about Jacques Pepin and Donnie tells future chefs that he might be their Chef Pepin–he will inspire people in the same way Pepin inspired him.

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Naturally, there is a huge surprise party at Wahlburgers, and Paul wants to strangle Donnie a little less now.

I think this might be Paul's wife and kids though we are never introduced to them.

I think this might be Paul’s wife and kids though we are never introduced to them.

Thus ends this block of episodes that included both a fake jingle competition AND a fake birthday. Way to go, reality TV.

All screencaps by me.