What would Ryan Lochte do…in Washington DC or Politics? First of all, all information for this episode lists it as “…In Washington, DC?” but the title card for the episode says “…In Politics?” Oh E! you guys just throw this shit together don’t you? Anyway what would Ryan Lochte do in Washington, DC, well he went sightseeing and on a date with his mom AND gave a speech that wasn’t terrible (not great but not incoherent and made sense. WIN!).
He also got a haircut, played drunk golf with Gene, took his mom to a suit fitting and bought her a car as a surprise.
Number of dumb things Ryan and/or Gene said or did this week: 9
- Gene tells Ryan he looks like Bieber’s older brother (this is not true).
- Gene and Ryan play drunk golf (I’m not sure if this is dumb or genius). [All sports should be played drunk. Or is that watched drunk? WHATEVER. -M]
- Has no type of women and then simply lists girls hair colors (I might need to sign him up for my Woman’s Studies Course I keep threatening the boys from Beauty and the Beast with. I have a feeling his sisters will make fun of him for this.).
- Pees in the woods at the golf course, asks Gene if it’s bad his pee is neon (I’m thinking it’s the drinks they have been getting from the golf course). Gene responds by telling him that’s a sign he has too much sex. Ryan asks Gene how that’s a bad thing.
- Does not know the difference between boxers or boxer briefs.
- Gene tells Ryan to give the audience a “wink and a smile” every time he messes up. Ryan says that only works on girls.
- Says “empanez” instead of “emphasis.”
- “I guarantee I will be the first to pee in the reflection pool [on the mall].” I guarantee that this is NOT true, I am willing to bet Ryan Lochte’s fortune that people have peed in the reflection pool at the mall. A LOT. Then every classy E! has a peeing in pool dramatization.
- I was so happy my mom…oh sorry I blanked out again. E! producer asks him what happens when he blanks out. Lochte responds by initially saying he doesn’t know but then is like “there is a jumping banana in my head” from then on every time he blanks E! puts a dancing banana on the screen (this is the greatest show ever).
Number of catchphrases and/or words of wisdom from Ryan Lochte and/or Gene: 11
- The key to a Lochte haircut is to keep it fresh and up to date.
- Long hair, don’t care.
- Wants a girl to look at him and think…”Damn…he’s a good looking guy.”
- Ryan plays golf while wearing a t-shirt that says “Golf Sucks!”
- Girls in DC are gonna be smart…
- Mr.Lochte goes to Washington…JEAH!
- Abe Lincoln has mad swag…He rocks that top hat.
- Lochte for President…I think I just scared people…every one was like NO! [Even Ryan Lochte knows we all think he is dumb–this kind of makes me sad like at the end of Forest Gump when you realize he always new he was mentally challenged.]
- DC girls are straight and to the point…politics, politics, politics and more politics.
- Ryan Lochte is a pretty good speech maker.
- Ryan’s two rules for the E! production team: one, don’t follow him into the bathroom and two, when the lights go out, go home.
Number of times I find him endearing: 11
- Ryan sponsors a charity called Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy (he pronounces this correctly 4 times).
- Maybe there is something wrong with me (in reference to not having a girlfriend).
- Ryan’s mom brings up the fact that Michale Phelps wing span and swimming are better than Ryan.
- Mom tells him to write a speech not to “wing” his speech (Ryan’s mom Ike, is my FAVE).
- He asks his mom to tone down on the hugs and kisses because they are on TV now (Ryan Lochte is perpetually 16).
- Every second of him and his mom sightseeing is adorable.
- I only know about swimming and my charity (after being asked a million political questions by DC girls).
- The shock on his face when he catches his mom flirting with a bunch of dudes at the bar. Where is his dad, I read his Wikipedia entry and there is a Dad and another baby brother, where are they? Why are they never mentioned? I need answers E!.
- He and his mom just randomly figure out how to tie a tie together, it’s hilarious and at the end, Ryan declares himself a genius!
- He is so nice to all of the kids at the charity event. His mom cried when he gave his speech and it wasn’t terrible, in fact again and I can’t stress this enough it was not an embarrassment.
- He gives his mom a car cause she is AWESOME, she cries (and he almost cries).
Number of times E! and by virtue the audience objectifies Ryan Lochte: 4
Number of ladies he talks to (AKA tries to pick up): 4 (though 3 are E! plants)
- Flirts with the “golf cart girl” who keeps bringing him and Gene Drinks.
- Talks to three girls at a bar in DC (these girls are obviously E! plants by the producers because they only ask him political questions instead of questions one would ask Ryan Lochte like, “Can I see your abs?” He does tell them a Pope joke…”it’s now ex Benedict, like eggs.” They don’t laugh because they have no souls!
Number of dates: 1, with his mom.
Number of times he talks about “fashion”: NONE
Number of times he said “Jeah”: 11
Number of times somebody else says “Jeah”: 7
I do want to take a moment and talk about Gene. Gene is Ryan’s assistant, who from what I see from the show basically hangs out with Ryan and parties. He gets paid guys to go to a golf course and get drunk. I bet Gene gets paid more than me and all he does is hang out with Ryan. I want Gene’s job!