I have decided to recap What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (WWRLD) completely different than how I recap Beauty and the Beast (which is basically, snark it as it is happening in real-time). For WWRLD I have decided to do America’s favorite dimbulb Ryan Lochte by the numbers. Full disclosure: I kind of fell in love with Lochte, he is dumb and douchey, but he is a douche with a heart of gold.
One sentence recap of episode (so that you know what happened) in which I attempt to answer the question posed by the episode title: What would Ryan Lochte do with a TV show… If a cable station such as E! gave Ryan Lochte a TV show he would use this as an excuse to play flag football, have a house party, go to a bar, bowl with his family, watch his favorite movie and swim.
Number of dumb things Ryan Lochte says: 8 (this is an approximation because it’s hard to write them all down)
- Can’t quite explain how he designs a shoe…from the top…from the sole to the top…no, wait…the fuck! Life is hard for Lochte.
- You have to pee in the pool!
- Forgets what he is talking about mid-sentence, “Ryan it was why you liked fashion.”
- I really don’t know what it means [JEAH].
- Ryan does not know how to play flag football, this is brought to our attention by Gene, Ryan’s hot friend/assistant.
- Lochte does not know what a douchebag is and why he is America’s hottest douchebag.
- What Women Want is my favorite movie with Mel Gibson.
- ON taking girls to the same restaurant “might be the same restaurant, same table, but different girl.”
Number of questions E! producers (who I will refer to as Ryan Seacrest), asks Ryan Lochte that he cannot answer: 3
- What is the “Lochte edge?”
- Are you a player?
- How many medals do you have?
Number of catchphrases and or words of wisdom from Ryan Lochte: 12
- Lochterage: INNER CIRCLE dedicated to “TURNING IT UP” at all times (all caps is how E! defined it).
- Always, that’s me, responsible.
- My philosophy is real simple go big or go home.
- Being Ryan Lochte is fun.
- TURN IT UP!
- The “Lochte Long Island,” he doesn’t give a recipe he basically just pours booze into cups. It is blue.
- My philosophy is that if you are a man at night you have to be a man in the morning.
- Who cares if you are in pain, no one else does.
- Laughter is the the quickest way to my heart.
- Ryan Lochte is an honest guy and I always pay my bets off.
- The “Lochte wink”
Number of times I say awwwwww at his sweetness or want to pet him like a puppy: 5
- When he makes his shoes walk.
- Loves his brother and would do anything for him even though he teases him all the time.
- His family is the most important thing to him.
- Cries when talking about winning his first gold medal.
- Gives babies zerberts.
Number of times we see his abs: I lost track at 13
Number of ladies he attempts to pick up: There are a lot of ladies, but he approaches 3
- Alyssa…”Man she is sexy… She is beautiful… She CANNOT dance…” Alyssa tells Ryan she is a ballet dancer so he makes her twirl on her toes she almost falls over.
- Random girl at bar who does not understand the appeal of Ryan Lochte.
- Megan, who agrees to a date.
Number of ladies he successfully picks up: He only convinces one to go out with him. Megan goes out with him but she might be just as dumb, she doesn’t know what a wonton is. Unfortunately she is moving to LA in a month. It’s cool cause Ryan is secretly in love with Jamie, a British girl who lives in London. Here Ryan, this what another Ryan had to say about English girls.
Number of times he talks about “fashion”: 6 possibly 7, he mentions it almost as often as he takes his shirt off or says something dumb.
Number of times he says “jeah” that I could count: 10 but this could be off; sometimes he says it a lot in succession.
Number of times Mama Lochte says “jeah”: None this episode but at least twice in the preview for next weeks show.
Ryan’s adorable family: