Smart ladies love dumb TV, WWRLD…With a TV Show?, recap


I have decided to recap What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (WWRLD) completely different than how I recap Beauty and the Beast (which is basically, snark it as it is happening in real-time). For WWRLD I have decided to do America’s favorite dimbulb Ryan Lochte by the numbers. Full disclosure: I kind of fell in love with Lochte, he is dumb and douchey, but he is a douche with a heart of gold.


My favorite image from the opening credit sequence.

One sentence recap of episode (so that you know what happened) in which I attempt to answer the question posed by the episode title: What would Ryan Lochte do with a TV show… If a cable station such as E! gave Ryan Lochte a TV show he would use this as an excuse to play flag football, have a house party, go to a bar, bowl with his family, watch his favorite movie  and swim.



Number of dumb things Ryan Lochte says: 8 (this is an approximation because it’s hard to write them all down)

  • Can’t quite explain how he designs a shoe…from the top…from the sole to the top…no, wait…the fuck! Life is hard for Lochte.
  • You have to pee in the pool!

WHY?!? At some point Ryan’s brother Devon points out that they have no filter with each other but I would counter that the family as a whole has absolutely no filter EVER!

  • Forgets what he is talking about mid-sentence, “Ryan it was why you liked fashion.”
  • I really don’t know what it means [JEAH].
  • Ryan does not know how to play flag football, this is brought to our attention by Gene, Ryan’s hot friend/assistant.

Gene better be in every episode…Gene is all about “Lochtenation”

  • Lochte does not know what a douchebag is and why he is America’s hottest douchebag.


  • What Women Want is my favorite movie with Mel Gibson.
  • ON taking girls to the same restaurant “might be the same restaurant, same table, but different girl.”

Number of questions E! producers (who I will refer to as Ryan Seacrest), asks Ryan Lochte that he cannot answer: 3

  • What is the “Lochte edge?” 

This is his thinking/confused face.

  • Are you a player?
  • How many medals do you have?

Number of catchphrases and or words of wisdom from Ryan Lochte: 12

  • Lochterage: INNER CIRCLE dedicated to “TURNING IT UP” at all times (all caps is how E! defined it).
  • Lochtenation
  • Always, that’s me, responsible.
  • My philosophy is real simple go big or go home.
  • Being Ryan Lochte is fun.
  • The “Lochte Long Island,” he doesn’t give a recipe he basically just pours booze into cups. It is blue.
  • My philosophy is that if you are a man at night you have to be a man in the morning.
  • Who cares if you are in pain, no one else does.
  • Laughter is the the quickest way to my heart.
  • Ryan Lochte is an honest guy and I always pay my bets off.
  • The “Lochte wink”


Number of times I say awwwwww at his sweetness or want to pet him like a puppy: 5

  • When he makes his shoes walk.

He is so sweet it’s adorable.

  • Loves his brother and would do anything for him even though he teases him all the time.
  • His family is the most important thing to him.
  • Cries when talking about winning his first gold medal.


  • Gives babies zerberts.


Number of times we see his abs: I lost track at 13


Number of ladies he attempts to pick up: There are a lot of ladies, but he approaches 3

  • Alyssa…”Man she is sexy… She is beautiful… She CANNOT dance…” Alyssa tells Ryan she is a ballet dancer so he makes her twirl on her toes she almost falls over.

This is the look he gives Alyssa after she dances for him.

  • Random girl at bar who does not understand the appeal of Ryan Lochte.
  • Megan, who agrees to a date.

Devon asks Ryan before his date if he even remembers Megan…Ryan describes her thusly, “she is blond…and uh a great upper body.” Because E! is gross the camera dude made sure to get this shot. Even Ryan is embarrassed when he mentions her upper body…EVEN RYAN E! But nope E! had to get the boob shot. Stay classy E!

Number of ladies he successfully picks up: He only convinces one to go out with him. Megan goes out with him but she might be just as dumb, she doesn’t know what a wonton is. Unfortunately she is moving to LA in a month. It’s cool cause Ryan is secretly in love with Jamie, a British girl who lives in London. Here Ryan, this what another Ryan had to say about English girls.

Number of times he talks about “fashion”: 6 possibly 7, he mentions it almost as often as he takes his shirt off or says something dumb.

Number of times he says “jeah” that I could count: 10 but this could be off; sometimes he says it a lot in succession.


Number of times Mama Lochte says “jeah”: None this episode but at least twice in the preview for next weeks show.

Ryan’s adorable family:

  • Mom


  • Kristen


  •  Megan


  • Devon

Devon may or may not be wearing underpants on his head to play flag football…

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