Smart ladies love dumb TV, X Factor live show one & results

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The Show

The theme of the first round of live shows is “songs inspired by the Olympics” (in the U.S. it would be “inspirational songs”). What a weird category; it’s two months too late. No wonder everyone hates the UK–they are so self-congratulatory!

As I predicted Christopher won the wildcard–when his name is announced, he falls to the ground and starts crying. Gary looks very pleased. Christopher then hugs Dermot for what seems like an hour.

The Performances

GMD3 have changed their name to District 3 and their video goes on and on about how they picked the name! NO ONE CARES. They do “Simply the Best” (yes, that one) and the harmonies are way off but everyone likes it. Louis called them “simply the best” and then Tulisa mimed a camera at Louis and said cheese. This was the only genuine moment of the episode that did not include Gary.

Nicole makes fun of James for being in the tabs in his video, which was hilarious. James does “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson and it sounds exactly how you think it would. It drags or something, but picks up during the rap part. Because Gary is the best, he tells James to maintain his integrity.

It does make sense that Melanie bonds with Gary over being a parent. Shocking absolutely no one, she performs a Beatles song because Melanie will never do anything contemporary. It was is just not modern–try bringing a 60s vibe to a contemporary song instead of doing a 60s song. Her voice is pretty amazing but it was so predictable. Maybe she will mix it up next week? She could probably be one of the next people eliminated.

Lucy is singing her own song–oh my God I cannot take a whole season of this.  Is it because she can’t cover other songs because it’s terrible? I don’t think she is going to last very long in the competition because I don’t think she can play the game–James, Ella and Kye can play the game, but Lucy’s not a good enough singer. Her makeover is pretty; shes wearing really nice make up. I approve! I thought Gary would deliver the truth but he didn’t. Louis compared her to Victoria Wood (umm the comedienne/singer?) and Dermot said that ‘s shameless, but I can’t find a Vic-Louis connection. Anyone?

MK1 girl is a little flat but they have really great energy and dancers.  They are super fun and I love them. Nicole called them the most relevant act in the competition and then Louis said they were the new N-Dubz. Tulisa protested & said they’re getting back together. DOES FAZER KNOW?

I’m already sleeping at the thought of Christopher’s performance. What’s that? “Hero” by Mariah Carey? OK, I am fast forwarding.  Gary says they did not get to choose the song. I don’t know what anyone else said because Nicole’s mesh paneled dress is very distracting.

Initially, I do not care about Union J–this is the third band to perform! They’re little flat on the singing but it’s fun with lots of dancing. They’re having a good time and getting better as they go. The judges didn’t like it and argued about song choice. I don’t think I’m wrong. My verdict: Union J > District 3.

Jade’s daughter is super cute with her glasses. She reminds me of the daughter on Ben & Kate or The New Normal. I might be projecting here a little bit? Despite that fact that Jade sings “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias, it’s a good performance–I LOVE her tone. I call her surprise of the night. GARY AGREES WITH ME. He said that after I wrote it, even!

Rylan wants lots of sparkles. I think Nicole just likes a cute gay dude around her. Unfortunately, Rylan has been getting death threats–what is wrong with people? ASSHOLES. Nicole thinks he’s earned his place. His performance is sooo fun but he would be better at a club. He got a lot of negative feedback but I can’t recap it because I was staring at Nicole’s dress again. I miss Cheryl.

 

Gary announces Kye’s performance as “the moment [he’s] been waiting for.” I knew Kye was his favorite! He does interesting things with his voice and made some good changes to “Man in the Mirror.” Then a gospel choir comes out! WOOO. Everyone loves him. Gary says production spent all their money on Rylan & next week hell make sure Kye has double. Aww Gary you are my favorite.

While in a pretty princess dress with black tights (that’s my girl!), Ella performs Take That’s “Rule the World,” which they did during the Olympic’s closing ceremony (minus Robbie Williams, which angered me greatly). Some of the song is too low for her voice but she sounds AMAZING. Nicole gets teary eyed and gives Ella a standing ovation. She gives them away like candy though, cause Rylan also got one.

Carolynne sings a country version of a Nicki Minaj song because everyone on this show thinks the UK needs a famous country singer. Unfortunately, Carolynne acts like she’s 45, not 32 (she is younger than me!).  Nicole tells her to loosen up and Louis calls her UK’s own Shania. Carolynne wants to make country cooler. My husband PJ called her a very pretty karaoke singer.

More about Jahmene being nervous. He sings “Imagine” on a stool and adds TOO MANY RUNS, though his tone is so nice.  Jahmene keeps looking left & right at other cameras maybe? At the end, the gospel choir from Kye’s performance came back since the producers got a 2-for-1 deal on their talents. Gary, the voice of reason who usually agrees with me, tells him to be aware of oversinging. THANK YOU.

Results

I don’t care about the performances unless it’s Cheryl Cole, so I’ll just talk about the final 2: Carolynne and Rylan.

Rylan can’t sing and Carolynne can’t make country cooler even when she’s singing Nicki Minaj so I’m ok with this. Louis forces a deadlock by picking Rylan to stay (??) and the person with the lowest votes is sent home: Carolynne, proving that it’s better to wear gold and dance with shirtless men than be boring.

The best part is that according to the Sun, 95 percent of viewers claim a producer talked to Louis and convinced him to pick Rylan. Whatever, even the producers thought Carolynne was a snoozefest! Ne-Yo has even offered to write a song for Rylan.

Other Notes:

  • There’s a pointless One Direction montage and then they show up and don’t sing. What X Factor likes more than anything else is to shove their successes in everyone’s faces.
  • I wish I lived in the UK and look watch this live with everyone else I think it would be very exciting.
  • My husband, who sometimes is forced to watch these shows with me, says Jade is the best. Take that how you will.

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