Smart ladies love dumb TV, X Factor UK

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It’s the second week of auditions and I’m beginning to wonder where the legitimate contenders are. It certainly isn’t the first guy they show, Rylan. He spray tans in the backyard, has long blonde extensions and a chin strap, and claims to spend all of his time on his appearance. He was also once in a Take That/Westlife cover band.

Skip to 3:10 to see him sing ??? Des’ree’s “Kissing You.”

THIS GUY GOT THROUGH. I KNOW. Louis should have his vote taken from him. I can’t wait to see him at boot camp though.

It’s hard to write about this episode–there was not much singing but there were so many montages of nothing. My notes are a few lines about an audition followed by things like “montage of losers” and “montage of Nicole being nice.” They were not even long montages. It was so weird.

Rita Ora, whom I have never heard of before despite my obsession with UK pop music, was a guest judge. Kye sang a mash up of her song and got through, but I was not impressed with his tight pants and Beiber hair. He’s 29 though, and would be a good addition to the overs, since that category is usually full of Louis-chosen freaks.

Here’s Rita’s song “R.I.P..” The autotune is out of control but her red lipstick is so nice. I want to know what it is–apparently it’s her trademark?

Lucy sang her own song about drinking and it was cute and all but it reminded me of 1999. Sorry, Luce. Everyone else loved it, so they are clearly living in the past.

James Arthur, a WGWG whose parents reunited in the same room for his audition for the first time in 22 years, got the pimp spot. He did Tulisa’s “Young,” except he turned it from a fun dance song into an unnecessary slow acoustic jam with spoken verses and a sung chorus.

If you couldn’t tell I hated this guy too! This episode was totally 0/4 for me.

Other favorite bits:

  • Nicole calling Newcastle “Talent Free Zone, TFZ.” Yes she said “TFZ” out loud.
  • Before going to Newcastle, Nicole said she didn’t understand the Geordie accent. YOU’RE WHY CHERYL COLE WAS FIRED IN THE US. She made horrible confused faces when (truly awful) auditioner Billy was talking.
  • Gary’s blazers. They are so sharp. I didn’t notice them until our friend Rylan pointed them out and now I want lady versions of all of them. Randy on Idol should learn from Gary when making blazer choices.
Randy Jackson

Dawg, this is one of the ugliest blazers I’ve ever seen. And that brooch, WTF??!! And the necklace??!! RANDY, STOP IT.

Gary Barlow blazer


Ahhh, so nice. I love this whole look.

  • Tulisa was wearing an insanely fugly structured candy cane dress. She should have sat down in this before leaving the house because it gave her ghost boob.
Tulisa WTF

I think this had a bustle too!! I noticed it when she was giving James a standing ovation. She needs a new stylist.

Until next week, where we will suffer through another hour of this crap. Maybe they will actually show some bands, unless the producers keep planning to put them together a la One Direction and Little Mix.