Smart ladies love dumb TV, X Factor UK, episode 3


We’re on episode three and still have yet to see a group audition on X Factor UK. I know they exist; I keep seeing them on the previews. I want to see lots of groups like 2 Shoes and Jedward and not like One Direction. I know this is not going to happen because there are more people that want to be the next JLS than Jedward.

I love them. I watched this Eurovision performance so many times.

Anyway, moving on to this episode…

Nicola, 36, was the first audition shown. She’s definitely beautiful, with dark hair and a lovely laugh, but she’s also completely fucking insane. She has crazy eyes and she did not shut up. Her “dubstep” version (it sounds more like a dance remix to me, but what do I know?) of “Tell it to My Heart” would have been included in a montage of losers in any American show, but these British judges (minus the ever-sane Gary) loved her.

My favorite part is “One Night Only” from Dreamgirls playing as she’s walking off stage.

Jake is wearing an ugly shirt, buttoned all the way up. He has nice dimples. He says he’s a lifeguard but does not see hot women in bathing suits. He sings “Use Somebody” in a whiny boy band voice. It was so flat–not dynamic at all, but he gets a standing ovation. Tulisa said his voice isn’t perfect but gives him an edge. Four yeses. WTF.

This makes me miss episode one’s Jahmene, and I didn’t even like him. SO BAD.

Then there’s a montage of 3 people who get through. Here are my notes on them:

Taylor in montage meh. Cute but flat.
Jess 17. She’s ADORABLE. “Just the Way You Are.” Too slow. Ok. Would like to see again.
Matt 19. WGWG. Pretty. Meh.

Moving on.

Tattooed Joseph, 26, has a cute 4 year old son. Ladies in the audience whistled like crazy for this dude. He does “A Whole Lotta Love”–it’s a little off but he’s pretty good rock singer. However, I much prefer Elise’s version from American Idol last season. Tulisa said Gary will be jealous because Joseph will get all the female attention.

The cheesy music they play after he makes it through sounds like overcoming things. I’m not sure what he overcame, but whatever. Then “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” played & I killed myself.

The last audition is usually the best one of the night, the one we put all our hopes and dreams into. We get Melanie, 44, who X Factor informs us is a “Mum and part time fairy” (she gives children music lessons). She’s pretty and has amazing curly blonde hair, but her “Cry Baby” was NOT as memorable as Allison Iraheta’s (I might be biased).

Other observations:
* What was up with Loretta in the Cincinnati hat and tight red bodysuit? I don’t think she knew all the words to “Power of Love,” making her the only person on earth who doesn’t know all the words to that song.
* Gary was super adorable during the audition of 51 year old Allison, who had Debbie Harry’s hair from 1979 and sang “Edge of Glory.” He called her “sensational but not right for this competition.” Her other critiques included “that never should have happened” and “someone drunk at a wedding.”
* I just read about Lucy from last week, whose song was rocketing up the iTunes chart until X Factor producers made a change to the rules and banned the song from being sold.

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