Smart ladies love dumb TV, X Factor UK finale

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I’m so sad this show is over. Sure, I’ll have The Voice UK next spring, but it’s not the same. I will miss all the judges (two of whom are probably not returning) and of course, funny little Dermot.

Did you come here for the results? Sigh, I’ll tell you. Christopher was eliminated on Saturday, leaving Jahmene and James to fight it out. It was close, but with James accruing all of Ella’s votes and the cute boy band votes left when Union J was voted out, he was a shoo-in for the win!

So congratulations, James Arthur: you were probably my favorite of the whole season, you have an amazing voice, and I’m glad you won. Now go work on some hip hop records.

Dermot’s entrance

Or, why this show is more fun than the US version

Dermot had a cute filmed sequence before he came on stage.

Dermot gets out of a train. Excellent product placement!! He looks so good in a suit.

Then he dances with these people. Football players? I have no idea, I hate sports.

He goes to a pub and Nicole serves him a beer. This is completely ridiculous because Nicole has probably never worked ever.

He runs into Tulisa and Gary and I don’t think they do anything fun. Certainly there is no beer drinking. Maybe Gary gives him a phone? Hey, is this more product placement??

Then he dances with these shiny people.

He open’s Louis’ door and finds him in a compromising position with this person. Anyone know who this albino is?

Dermot walks through this clothes rack and ends up wearing this fugly jacket, which is maybe a pop culture reference I don’t understand because he is super pissed about it.

He’s magically in a suit, then meets up with the shiny people again and they dance! FINI!

GROUP NUMBER

You guys, group numbers are my reason for being. I don’t know if this one has some kind of theme, it just seems like a weird mashup. Here are some highlights.

RYLAN, NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. I love you more than anything in the world, except maybe studio pottery and 90s album reissues.

I tried to name this picture “???” but Windows wouldn’t let me, so I chose “No Idea.” This is Carolynne Poole, and I only know that from reading my old tags.

I never liked you, Melanie.

I didn’t think Lucy was going to participate in this! Had I known she was going to dress like a burly lumberjack I would have preferred her to stay home.

I see you listened to me, Ella, and put your hair back the way God intended. Now if you could only restore some color to those lips…

Union J came in riding razor scooters for reasons I cannot figure out. Look at that Jaymi, though! His face is so expressive!!

Then Kye sang with them because he’s not good enough to get his own song like Rylan. Here is where I notice District 3 appear to be missing but I forgot again until just now because they mean nothing to me.

The finalists come out and sing together! James is way better than the other two fazools.

Hey, Jade looks totally foxy!!! Keep it up, girl.

FILLER

There is a lot of filler in these episodes to take up time so people can vote (the act in third place is automatically eliminated at the end of Saturday’s ep).

Since Dermot can’t be bothered to go out into the audience in Manchester, Caroline Flack is here to entertain us and be fucking adorable. In case you are American and don’t know Caroline, she co-hosts The Xtra Factor and briefly dated the much-younger Harry Styles from One Direction.

There were so many performances.

Kelly Clarkson sang the really old “Break Away” in front of a black and white montage of a reality singing competition show she was not on. It was so weird.

Rita Ora played some song I don’t know while singing on a car dressed like an extra in Do The Right Thing.

Kylie did a slowed down version of “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” and looked magnificent. Now THAT is some fucking lipstick.

And some contestants performed too

Jahmene wore a fancy jacket.

James wore a helmet. I couldn’t help but think of Penny in the last episode of Happy Endings. Poor Penny.

Christopher performed Irene Cara’s cheesy 80s hit “What a Feeling” in front of a giant boom box because he thinks it’s actually 1985.

The week in Nicole

I have really learned to love Nicole this season in ways I never thought possible.

She wore a Dr. Zhivago hat inside.

We got to see what 30 Nicoles dancing looked like. Apparently this is one of her videos because she still makes music and is relevant. Or that’s what James tells us.

When she sang with Jahmene she wore THIS. Because this contest is not about her. At. All.

And she wore this when performing with James. Just something a little subtle and classy. You know, like the kind of girl she is.

Best performances

Since we all know James won, I will be positive and post the best performance from each contestant.

This might be my favorite Christopher performance, because of song choice alone–Take That’s “Rule the World,” his duet with his coach Gary Barlow.

“Feeling Good” is SO OVERDONE on these shows but the other song James did was “To Make You Feel My Love,” my most hated song in the history of X Factor UK, so I will put up this one. His song choices were really safe, which I understand because he was trying to win, but I really hope his record does not sound like this.

Jahmene does a Curtis Mayfield song and gives probably his most entertaining performance ever. I love his voice on the high parts. I really like him more for doing this song, even though many people probably know it as that song Kanye sampled.

THE END?

This was a great season of X Factor UK. I’m sure British people think the whole thing is a fix and utter rubbish but the show is so fun, the right contestant won, and we got to see some great performances. Isn’t that what these terrible shows are all about?

The gossip following this show has been crazy: Christopher verbally abused Carolynne (who?). He lashed out at the world.

Also the numbers were released and Christopher was in the lead until Ella was eliminated in week seven. Again, who was voting for this dude? Also it’s funny how in the US they say, “Only one percentage point separated Carly and Tate!” It was never that close in the UK.

I am probably not going to recap American Idol unless the contestants are wonderful and amazing and I don’t want to beat Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey senseless each week. Keith Urban, I’m counting on you!

Update: James has the highest one-day sale total of any X Factor winner’s single ever! Hooray!

All screencaps by me.