Smart ladies love dumb TV, X Factor UK judges houses

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After seemingly endless auditions, X Factor UK judges have finally selected the top 12 performers to go to the live shows. I haven’t seen Sunday’s episode (it wasn’t…uhhhh…available to me yet) but I saw the performances and know who makes it. I have enough opinions to go around.

I’ve put the categories in order from best to worst, and within each category, rate each finalist from favorite to least.

Girls

There’s no question that the girls are the ones to beat this year, especially with last year’s winner Tulisa mentoring them. She picked the absolute right ladies, too. One thing I did notice is that Adele has had a positive impact on the appearance of female singers on X Factor. Now all it takes is for a cute chubby dude to rock the charts so more non-skinny guys move forward! Yeah!

Ella Henderson

This sixteen year old sang her own song at the audition and made me actually like her. I love her kooky hair, affinity for prints and gorgeous voice. Go Ella!

Jade Ellis

I don’t think I covered her first audition but her voice is great and I really want to see her on a big stage doing some pop performances. Jade’s narrative this season is “young mom.” This will be brought up every week, groan!

Lucy Spraggan

Everyone is over the moon for this girl but she reminds me of college bar rock. Blah. See her butcher “I Will Always Love You,” below!

Over 28s

I really appreciate Gary wanting to turn the over category into a group of legit contenders from the joke they’ve been the past few years (thanks, Louis).

Kye Sones

They are really trying to build Kye’s backstory as this chimney sweep but his old band has a Wikipedia page and they seem like they might have been popular in the UK. He hits a super terrible bum note on this song but he has the most potential of all the overs (read: he appeals to young girls).

Melanie Masson

I think Melanie can get kind of screamy (see video below), but she has a solid rock voice. Gary loves her but Kye is definitely going to be his last contestant standing. And X Factor, even if this is a Hall & Oates song EVERYONE knows the Paul Young version so update your shit.

Caroylnne Poole

Oh Carolynne, another classic oversinger. She seems lovely and doesn’t she look a little like Gary’s pal at judges house, the unbelievably beautiful Cheryl Cole? I think she’s boring, though.

Boys

Nicole, this should have been pretty easy. You probably would have been number two on this list but you picked Rylan for your final three, and for that, you had to be dropped down a notch.

James Arthur

He seems to be pretty popular on the Internet and I appreciate his glasses, which my mom used to wear in 1981. He needs to learn to dress his body type (rolled skinny jeans + denim button up = shorter and stockier) but his voice is recording-ready. He could even be a one-hit wonder in the U.S. Shoot big, James!

Jahmene Douglas

Poor Jahmene, his storyline is “always nervous.” He would do well on Idol but I don’t think he’s pop star-enough to be on X Factor UK. Does the original of this song also song like a bunch of words run together with no meaning and no melody? Tell me, because I don’t want to listen to  it.

Rylan Clark

I want to drink with this guy and talk about his finely crafted facial hair. I do not want to hear him sing. What the fuck was he wearing? NO SHOES???

Groups

Out of touch Louis Walsh was assigned the groups, many of which were hip hop influenced this year. One good group got through and two shitty boybands moved on. OH LOUIS don’t ever change! I just think boyband music is so predictable on these competitions: one guy will sing lead, the other 2-4 will sing harmony on like 2 words a line.

MK1

All the band names are horrible this year. MK1 auditioned as a trio but were forced to cut the weakest link at their first auditions. I think they are cute but I worry that Louis will not find songs for them that fit their unique skills.

Union J

I can’t decide who to put next–these boy bands did nothing for me. Union J used to be Triple J but they were forced to accept another member so they changed their name. It did not prevent them from butchering “Call Me Maybe.”

GMD3

Sharon Osborne said their band name sounded like a disease. Now there is a campaign to find them a new name. Will it help them? They seem to be the favorite, probably because they are the cutest. But MK1 are soooooo much better and will probably go home first. Sob!

Wild Card

The audience gets to vote one act into the finals. They can choose between these four semi-finalists, who I am ranking from MEH to WTF?

Adam Burridge is too similar to James Arthur so Nicole didn’t pick him, but I like what he did to ABBA’s “SOS.”

I think Amy Mottram is precious, but there is no way she is better than Ella.

Christopher Maloney from the overs performed the really relevant song “All Out of Love” by Air Supply. He’s a fan favorite so he will probably make it in.

Times Red could maybe squeak past Christopher because their lead singer looks like a young Richard Gere. Otherwise they stink.

Other Notes:

  • Of course I’m thrilled Gary brought in my girl Cheryl. She is one of the most beautiful women in the world and she was looking super fashion-y!
  • I loved when 2 Shoes II (Poisonous Twin) asked what judge has a house in Vegas. NONE OF THEM, don’t you watch the show?
  • The editing is terrible and you know who will likely make it to the finals: the person who did not talk over their audition footage.
  • Stop asking contestants what this would mean to them. We already know the answer to that!
  • Did you know everyone performances two songs at judges houses but only one is aired? James Arthur did “Sexy and I Know It.” I like it!

One Comment

  1. Wow, every post on this site reads more like “lady thinks she’s too smart to like anything.”

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