Of course, for the week that Sam Callahan goes home and this post will actually receive some hits, none of the torrents available of X Factor UK were any good. This recap will be light on hilarious screencaps of the intros and heavy on sorts of ok screencaps of youtube clips…because that’s all that I have right now. WOMP WOMP.
The theme was “Great British Songbook.” I think there will be less New Order and more Beatles. Just a guess.
Here are the performances rated from best to worst, because it is more fun to make you wait for the crap.
Gary Barlow, “Let Me Go”
Look, I know he isn’t a contestant but this was joyous.
Reasons why Gary was the best this week:
TWO DUDES SITTING ON BOXES AND HITTING THEM
I don’t even know why one of these dudes is necessary, let alone two.
GARY IS HOT
HE LIKES DANCING
Rough Copy, “Viva La Vida”
When an act on these shows manages to make me not hate a Coldplay song they get special recognition.
They got to have drummers!
I know what you’re thinking, “But what were their pants like”?
The answer: STILL BAD!
Hannah Barrett, “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”
THANK GOD Hannah did something different to this song.
It helped that she was wearing this tunic with brass instruments on it. WANT, naturally.
And that she had the most excited dancers/tambourine players.
Nicholas McDonald, “Someone Like You”
Stop. Doing. Adele. Thankfully Nicky is earnest enough to pull off this very earnest song. He has great control of his voice and he seems like a nice young man.
You can tell he is super earnest just from this picture.
He had a string quartet!
This song makes me really sad, too, violinist, but probably for a different reason than you.
Sam Bailey, “Something”
She was pleasant and moving, but she changed the gender to male and I became annoyed. KEEP IT THE WAY IT IS.
Nicole looked like she wanted to cry. I’m not sure I like that side pony.
Luke Friend, “Your Song”
Theory: Luke was in the bottom two because his performance featured video of he and this cute lady goofing around and teenage girls were jealous.
Otherwise, it was a perfectly serviceable version that fit his voice.
Tamera Foster, “Diamonds Are Forever”
I love Shirley Bassey but this song takes a while to get going and before that it is very monotone and blah. Mostly she sounded like Rihanna painfully reaching out of her range.
Sam Callahan, “Faith”
A+ for song choice… but is that a backing track I hear?
Is he playing in front of a stack of amps? OF COURSE NOT, those are just lights in some boxes covered in plastic wrap.
Nicole did not appear to have “faith” in Sam. You’re welcome for the bad joke.
Here are some shirtless pictures of Sam for your viewing pleasure, taken from a you tube video:
RIP X Factor career of Sam Callahan. We will miss your mediocre voice and torso of the week.
Next week: Apparently 1D is performing so you KNOW I will be covering that.
Gif from freakyscherzinger. Screencaps by me.